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Stop The Presses! For Five Months!

| PA, USA | Crazy Requests

(I used to work in a small town newspaper. Most everyone would leave earlier in the afternoon and one person would be left to man the phones for an hour or so in the newsroom. This day, I’m the only staff member on hand, and there’s a guy using our microfilm for research. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Newspaper]. Can I help you?”

Lady: “Yes! I am very upset! I just read an article in your paper about the fire that destroyed our house and everything in it is wrong!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that… Can you tell me who wrote the article?”

Lady: “It’s [Name I’ve never heard].”

Me: “Uh… I’m not familiar with that name but…”

Lady: “No, wait, it’s [Reporter].”

Me: “Oh! Yes… he isn’t in the office today, but he should be in tomorrow about seven.”

Lady: “I want this taken care of now! You have no idea what we’ve been through! I just now got around to reading the article and I see all this wrong stuff and it’s like it happened all over again! I want him to rewrite the whole thing!”

Me: *thinking I’ll grab a copy of the paper and re-read the article* “Can you tell me when the article was written?”

Lady: “The fire happened in May!”

Me: “But it’s now October…”

Lady: “So?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but that happened five months ago. We’re not going to be able to redo the story.”

Lady: “BUT WHY NOT?! He got EVERYTHING wrong!”

Me: “I understand that, but so much time has passed and—”

Lady: “YOU HAD BETTER D*** WELL REPRINT THIS ARTICLE OR I’M GOING TO SUE! Who’s your editor?”

Me: “It’s [Editor], but she’s going to tell you the same thing.”

(By now the guy at the microfilm machine is watching me with a “WTF?” expression.)

Lady: “I’m going to call her tomorrow! And you’re going to reprint this! You don’t know what I’ve been through!” *hangs up*

(I explain the conversation to the guy at the microfilm.)

Microfilm Guy: “If it was so important, why did she wait five months to read the article?”

Me: “I should have asked her that.”

(When I got to work the next morning my editor asked about the note I left her and then asked the same question. To our knowledge the woman never called back.)

Bad Jokes Every Sunday!

, | Regina, SK, Canada | Language & Words

(I deliver flyers and the Sunday paper for the local newspaper company. As a common nickname, the Sunday paper is known as “the Sun.” I was delivering on a Sunday morning when I saw a customer who had recently moved in.)

Me: “Excuse me, would you like a Sun?”

Customer: “No, thanks, I already have three daughters.”

Ask And You Shall Receive

| AB, Canada | Pets & Animals

(I’m the customer in this story. I’ve been trying to cancel my newspaper subscription, and have been transferred twice already. I’m starting to get a bit peeved.)

Customer Service Representative: “And how may I help you today?”

Me: “I’m trying to cancel my subscription.”

Customer Service Representative: “May I ask what made you want to discontinue receiving our newspaper?”

Me: “You want the real reason or the polite reason?”

Customer Service Representative: “Um, the real reason?”

Me: “We decided not to paper-train our puppy.”

Customer Service Representative: “…So, the fact that we’re moving from afternoon to morning delivery wouldn’t make a difference to you?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer Service Representative: “All right then, I’ve got you cancelled. Have a good day!”

(Hey, she asked!)

About To Fight On Paper View

| UK | Criminal & Illegal, Wild & Unruly

(I’m a university student who lives at home, and delivers papers to earn extra cash. I’m delivering them close to a school, which has just finished for the day. A group of boys wander over.)

Boy: “I want a paper.”

Me: “These aren’t for you.”

Boy: “I live there.”

(He points to the house behind me, which I’ve just delivered to.)

Me: “Prove it, then. Take out your key, and open the door.”

Boy: “I don’t have to do that! I’m going out with my mates. I’m not going in yet.”

Me: “So you want to carry a newspaper around with you?”

Boy: “I just want a newspaper. I live there!”

Me: “No, you don’t. I know the people who live there, and they don’t have a son. Besides, I’ve just put a paper in there.”

Boy: “Just give me a f****** newspaper!”

(He goes to take one out himself. I sit myself on the paper trolley to prevent him. He tries to pull me off, and I end up pushing him away.)

Boy: “I can do you for assault for that!”

Me: “Call the police; it’ll save me the trouble. You tried to steal from me; you’ve probably left a nasty mark on my arm, and all this can be seen as harassment. Let’s be honest; who are the police going to believe? Me, a university student with a job, or you, a kid who can’t even pull his own trousers up?”

Boy: “F*** you!”

(His mates are starting to wander over. I realize things could turn nasty, so I take a chance.)

Me: “Looks like I don’t have to call them; here’s the police now.”

(I must have good karma, because sure enough, a police car starts driving down the road. The boys scatter. When the car reaches me, it stops and the window lowers.)

Officer: “Were they bothering you?”

Me: “Yes, but I sent them running.”

Officer: “Really? What did you tell them?”

Me: “That I knew Kung Fu.”

Daylight Save Me From This Stupidity

| NC, USA | Crazy Requests

(We have a certain time by which all paper carriers should be finished. On weekdays, it’s 6:30 am.)

Customer: “I need to make a complaint about my carrier! She’s late every morning now!”

Me: “I do apologize. Is she delivering after 6:30 in the morning?”

Customer: “Well, no. But ever since daylight savings, it’s light outside when I get may paper!”

Me: “But she isn’t delivering after 6:30?”

Customer: “No, but it’s light outside!”

Me: “But the paper isn’t being delivered later in the morning?”

Customer: “It’s at the same time it always is; it’s just too d*** bright!”

Me: “…well, I’m very sorry to hear that, sir.”

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