(We monitor intruder and fire/smoke alarms. After activation, all fire/smoke alarms need to be manually restored by a user code.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] from [Company] calling. Am I speaking with [Customer]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “We had a smoke alarm activation earlier today, and as per the instructions on your file we advised the fire service to attend. They found nothing wrong, but I’m calling to advise you that the smoke alarm needs to be reset.”

Customer: “You had a smoke alarm?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “And you sent the fire service?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “What the h*** did you do that for?”

Me: “Because those are the instructions we have on file, sir.”

Customer: “You should have sent a patrol! This is ridiculous!”

(Note that standard patrol response time is around 45 minutes, depending on various factors including traffic.)

Me: “Sir, if there was a confirmed fire on site, there wouldn’t be much a patrol could do.”

Customer: “They could have called the fire service!”

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(A patron approaches me after sitting through a three-hour classical concert.)

Patron: “Excuse me, when do they start dancing?”

Me: “Um, there is no dancing, ma’am.”

Patron: “Isn’t this Riverdance?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is the New Zealand Symphony orchestra. Riverdance is on at the theatre next door, and finished about an hour ago.”

Patron: “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought this was the warm-up act.”

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(Two customers are unloading $250 of cat food and bread onto my checkout.)

Me: “Hey, you having a good day?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you got a lot of cats?”

Customer: “No. We just leave it outside overnight.”

Me: “Oh, right. What’s with the bread, you having some sort of party or something?”

(Keep in mind this is a good 50 loaves of bread.)

Customer: *vaguely* “Oh, no, we’re going to the duck pond later today.”

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(I am working in a kindergarten where over half of the kids are Maori. The Maori word for scissors is ‘kutikuti,’ which is pronounced ‘cutty cutty’.)

Me: *to a child* “Can you pass me the kutikuti please?”

Mother: “What did you say to my child?”

Me: “I asked her to pass me the scissors.”

Mother: “Don’t talk baby to my child. She’s smart enough to use adult words.”

Me: “I wasn’t. I was using the Maori name for scissors.”

Mother: “No, you said cutty cutty. That’s not Maori. I’m Maori, and I think I know Maori when I hear it.”

(The child interrupts. She grabs her mom by the hand and drags her off to a poster on the wall which has a few art objects and their Maori names under them.)

Child: “Mom, why do you always have to pick fights with people? I’m very disappointed in you!”

(When her mother left I gave the kid the biggest sticker I could find to put on her good behaviour chart.)

This story is part of the Children-Behaving-Better-Than-Their-Parents roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

14 Times Aquarium Customers Made You Wish You Were Out At Sea

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(I’m English and backpacking in New Zealand. I’ve just started work in a fast food place and am on the drive-thru for the first time.)

Manager: “Okay. What you have to do is talk to the customers and make them feel really welcome. Get a bit chatty if you can.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Watch this…”

(A customer drives down to my window to pay for his food.)

Me: “Hey there, how you doing? That will be [price].”

Customer: “Where are you from?”

Me: “England.”

Customer: “Whereabouts in England?”

Me: “Hull.”

Customer: “ME, TOO! I’m from [Road]!”

Me: “Sweet! I grew up just round the corner from there! Was it a nightmare having them build the new stadium right on your doorstep?”

Customer: “No way! Yer, was a right pain! Speaking of which, did you see the Tigers play the other night?”

Me: “Nah, I missed it. I was working. I heard the result though, get it!”

Customer: “Let’s see if we come out on top at the end of the season! Anyway, I best go pick up my food. I am sure you have other customers to serve. My name is [Customer] by the way. What’s yours?”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

(We shake hands through the window.)

Customer: “Nice to meet you, man. I will be sure to see you around.”

Me: “Yeah, have a good day, mate!”

(The customer drives to the next window. I turn to look at my manager who has a look of total disbelief.)

Me: “And that’s how you do that.”

Manager: “Yeah, I will leave you to it. I think you got the hang of it!”

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