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Consult A Medium For The Answer

, , , | Right | October 12, 2020

Customer: “Hi. Can I get a [Burger] combo?”

Cashier: “What size?”

Customer: “Do you have small?”

Cashier: “Only medium and large, sorry.”

Customer: “Oh. Which one’s smaller?”

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It’s About To Become Your Problem

, , , , , , | Working | October 12, 2020

Every Saturday, my friends and I order pizza from a famous chain in New Zealand, well known for their advertisements on the TV with their phone number sung in the background. One Saturday, we put in our order as usual and wait for the delivery person. The doorbell rings.

Delivery Man: “Hello, I’ve got an order of four pizzas, a garlic bread, Sprite, and fries?”

Me: “Yes, that’s us! Thank you!”

As I’m picking up the pizza from the doorstep — due to distancing rules in my country — I notice something odd.

Me: “Um, there’s only the pizza here. Where’s everything else?”

Delivery Man: “What do you mean? You ordered pizza; there’s the pizza.”

Me: “We also ordered three sides. You listed them when you arrived.”

Delivery Man: “Have you got any proof of that?”

He listed it off his list when he arrived, it’s on the receipt stapled to the pizza box, and I have an email stating what we bought.

I pull out my phone with the confirmation email and prove it.

Delivery Man: “Hmm. Oh, well, I just bring what they put in the bag. Not my problem if they didn’t put it in the bag.”

Me: “Well, can you go back to the store and get the other items, please?”

Delivery Man: “No, this isn’t my fault, so it’s not my problem. Ring them if you’ve got an issue.”

Me: “Um, it kind of is your problem, though, because you haven’t delivered what we bought.”

Delivery Man: “Fine. I’ll go get them, then.”

He walked off suddenly. My friends and I made do, but he never returned with our items. I tried to call their corporate number, but it just rang or hung up on me. After a serious search on the Internet, I find the store franchise phone number and call them, only for them to tell me that they stopped using their famous phone number, despite still having it listed all over their website and Google. In the end, the delivery driver was told off for his attitude and lying to me, and we got free sides the next week. We’ve been put off, though, and I don’t think we’ll keep ordering from there!

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Junk Mail: Universally Hated, Part 2

, , , , , | Working | October 12, 2020

Shortly after this story was published, political season rolled around again, and thus the sequel. To clarify for non-Americans, junk mail comes in via non-postal-workers, usually volunteers in the case of political fliers.

I send the usual alert when the first flier comes, a polite message to the political party’s website. It points out that my sign is quite clear and asks for them not to do it again.

Two weeks later, there’s another one from the same party. The fun times begin!

I find a list online of every party member and go through adding their emails to a single bulk email. Once again, I politely inform them that their letter has ended up in my box and that since my first request against this was ignored, I am making sure that I send the message to every person who might be able to stop it. It includes a slightly less polite comment that I feel it shows their lack of commitment to listening to the voting populace and a lack of respect for people’s choices, and that this action will prompt me to try and dissuade others from voting for them.

Forty-five people in all are privy to this email. Some have automatic replies; some don’t. I leave it a few hours, and by the end of day four, members of the party have apologised and forwarded my complaint to the area manager for the volunteers. I thank them and go on my merry way.

Then, the next day, somewhere around 5:00 pm, one of these people emails me back angrily saying that they didn’t want my spam email, and I should know they’re in another part of the country and therefore they don’t have to listen to me or my complaints.

I thank him, too, pointing out that by his very response, he has proven my point about the sign on my letterbox.

I then forward this reply to the four of his colleagues, who also don’t live in my area, but were willing to help and apologise for a mistake by others of their party. I get the feeling number five is going to regret that response very soon.

Junk Mail: Universally Hated

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A Harmless Necessary Chicken

, , , , , | Working | September 25, 2020

I was inspired by this story to recount my own encounter with unwitting stage fauna.

Some years ago, I was in a summer production of The Merry Wives of Windsor in an outdoor venue. This venue was near a pond and had various birds wandering about. This included a few chickens and roosters.

In a particular scene, a washing basket was onstage at the beginning of a scene. As the actors went about the scene, they noticed they were getting more laughs than usual but thought nothing more than how responsive the audience was. As they got closer to the climax of the scene, they were getting more and more laughs and titters, so they amped up their energy.

In the climax of the scene, Falstaff had to hide in a panic and threw himself into the washing basket…

…to be encountered with a face full of enraged chicken, whose nice cosy resting spot had been disturbed by an actor almost landing on her. Apparently, the hen had been poking her head out of the basket, enjoying the show, to the amusement of the audience, without the actors noticing. The poor chicken took flight, squawking, through the audience, emptying herself on the actor as a final act of revenge. After a momentary pause, during which everyone attempted to pull themselves together, the show resumed. Poor Falstaff had to have a quick costume change.

A Harmless Necessary Cat

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the next story in the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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Idiot, Identify Thyself

, , | Right | September 15, 2020

This occurs at the end of a call with a customer who has been constantly friendly and funny.

Me: “Thanks for calling, [Customer]! I hope you have a great day.” 

Customer: “Oh, trust me, I will, unlike you. I don’t have to work for a living or deal with idiots like me all day!” 

Cue my bemused shock trying desperately to not agree with him.

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