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Confusing The Bar Staff? Hold My Beer

, , , | Right | January 28, 2021

I am trying to order a drink.

Me: “Can I please have a Monteiths?”

That’s not what I intended to say. I’ve forgotten the name of the drink I want. It is actually a brand of beer, though. 

Bar Staff #1: “What?”

Me: “Monteiths. You know, the beer.”

Bar Staff #1: “I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “Oh. That’s not actually what I meant. I want that beer. The dark one.”

I click my fingers, trying to remember.

Me: “The one with the stuff on top.”

The bar staff give me blank looks.

Me: “The Irish one. You know…”

I wave my hand vaguely down the road in the direction of an Irish pub, which they don’t click to. A third barman arrives at the bar. His two colleagues look relieved to see him.

Bar Staff #3: “What are you after?”

Me: “That Irish beer.”

Bar Staff #3: “Guinness!”

Me: “Yes!”

Bar Staff #3: “Ah, sorry, we don’t have it.”

Me: “Oh, no. Do you have a similar one? A Porter?”

I’ve just done it again. A London Porter is a name of a beer, not a type of beer.

Bar Staff #3: “You mean a stout?”

I lay my head down on my arms on the bar.

Me: “Yes. Yes, please. Oh, my God. I’m sorry. I’ve just finished work and my brain has stopped working.”

The bar staff grinned and fetched me my drink. The best part? It was happy hour and I got a tap beer and two servings of fries for the table for $8! I love that place.

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That Is The Deep Fried Hill She Has Decided To Die On

, , | Right | January 28, 2021

We close at 10:00 pm every night. It’s on every window and door in the store as well as a giant sign next to our drive-thru that is impossible to miss. We are allowed to serve people after 10:00 pm that are in store before close as long as they leave as soon as they’re served.

This Friday, we are severely understaffed and it is the busiest night of the week. No one has breaks tonight and a cook teaches himself to use the till so we can use the drive-thru.

At 9:50 pm, I announce to the restaurant filled with people:

Me: “Hello, just reminding everyone we close in ten minutes. However, there is another store five minutes away if you take a right as you exit the car park; they close at midnight.”

A lot of people check their watch, some walk out, and some stay. One particular lady sits her family down with a full meal of food and rolls her eyes at me. I decide to ignore it due to us not being closed yet and deal with another customer being rude.

By 10:00 pm, everyone has been served or cleared out of the restaurant except the family. I approach their table to tell them they can’t be in the store.

Me: “Hey, guys, we’re closed now so I’m going to have to ask you to leave, sorry.”

Father: *Packing their things* “Sorry, we thought we would be finished by now.”

Me: “No problem, we’re just not allowed to have anyone in the store after closing due to staff safety and company policy.”

The mother takes the food from her partner and sits back down.

Mother: “Oh, f*** off. I’m going to sit here and enjoy my meal because it’s what I paid for and you can’t make me leave.”

Her family leaves her inside and goes to their car.

Me: “Ma’am, we are no longer open and you can’t be in here.”

Mother: “What are you going to do about it? You can’t do s***!”

Me: “Well, now that we are not open and providing a service, this is classed as trespassing and the police will now be called.”

I locked the front door and turned the signs and some lights off. She crossed her arms at me so I went into the back office and got the store phone. Before I could press a single number, she was running out the door without her food.

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Please Drive On The Right Side Of The Century

, , , , | Right | January 21, 2021

I’m a tour guide but also drive the bus. I’m used to this surprising some of our guests, who are used to the driver and guide being two different roles. One day, I am at the ticket office doing a few jobs before my tour group arrives. A ticket office worker approaches me while talking to a couple from the US.

Ticket Office Worker: “Here she is now. This is the guide for your tour.”

Me: “Hi! I’m [My Name]. I’m your driver and guide.”

Male Customer: “Oh, no! We have a woman driver?”

Me: “Sure!”

I laugh it off thinking the gentleman is being funny, but I find he’s not really joking.

Male Customer: *Perfectly serious* “I’m a bit sexist about these things.”

I am astounded but polite, as I’m used to allowing for different cultural beliefs.

Me: “Oh, well, I’m perfectly safe, I promise.”

Then, I see one of my more, shall we say, “forthright” colleagues approaching the counter, and I can’t resist a bit of mischief.

Me: “Actually, many of our drivers here are ladies. Like [Colleague], here.”

I made myself conveniently absent.

Funnily enough, the very next day I had four men from Saudi Arabia on my tour who didn’t seem to have any problem at all with a female driver.

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A Ma’am Scam

, , , , | Right | January 11, 2021

For health reasons, we have to keep a two-metre distance between customers and have lines and markers for this. An older lady walks past the line.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. I need you to step behind the line.”

Customer: “What did you call me?”

Me: “Ma’am, I called you ‘ma’am.’ I need you to step behind the line.”

Customer: “No, how would you feel if I called you boy?”

Me: “I need you to step behind the line, and I don’t mind that.”

She gives me an evil look. After the threat of no service, she quickly moves behind the line. She then begins to rant about how she is going to get my supervisor to reprimand me for calling her ‘ma’am.’ Everyone around me looks bewildered. 

I total her shopping and wish her a good day. Whilst I discuss the situation with the next customer and have a bit of a laugh, the lady is talking with my manager and making a complaint about how I called her ‘ma’am.’

Partway through my next transaction, my supervisor pulls me aside and quietly says to me:

Supervisor: “I only have to do this to get her out of the store.”

Then, at a decent volume, my supervisor says:

Supervisor: “Watch who you call ‘ma’am,’ [My Name]. If I have to remind you again, there will be further reprimands.”

The old lady left the store. My supervisor and I and the customers that were waiting to be served all laughed. 

The customer came back in the next week and I only ever said hello to her. She started calling me ‘boy,’ so I politely said that if she continued to call me that, I would no longer serve her and would bring my manager over to resolve the situation. She quickly shut up.

I never saw her again.

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Berry Useful Trivia!

, , , , | Friendly | January 5, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.


I have a fairly insatiable knowledge for strange facts. I’m reading a book about herbs and plants and things they have been used for in medical history. I come across a comment about raspberries being used to induce uterine contractions, alongside an offhand note that one shouldn’t eat large quantities of them during pregnancy for that reason. As a tidbit, it has stuck in my brain for years. I never thought I’d need it until this conversation.

Friend: “Oh, man, my poor relative. She keeps having false contractions. It’s been really bad. She’s still months away.”

A random memory comes to me.

Me: “Okay, this is gonna sound like a weird question, but does she like jam?”

Friend: *Long pause* “Yes, that is a super weird question… but yeah, she does.”

Me: “Is it raspberry jam, by any chance?”

Friend: “Yeah, actually.”

Me: “Has she been eating a ton of it lately?”

Friend: “I think so; she really likes it.”

Me: “That could be it; raspberries can cause uterine contractions.”

Friend: *Pauses again* “You’re s***ting me.”

Me: “Absolutely not.”

I pull up a few different Googled pages on it to refresh my memory.

Me: “I mean, it might not be what’s happening, but it might be worth checking out?”

You’ll never guess what stopped happening after that! Last I heard, the baby was delivered none the worse for wear.

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