(My mother’s a bit behind the times. She hasn’t long been introduced to the delights of the Internet, but has been sucked into the vortex that is YouTube, with their endless, tempting recommendations. She’s also just got the hang of Skype, but prefers to use the text chat function rather than the phone call. It should be noted that she’s a big fan of the Ice Age movies, having seen them all multiple times with the grandkids. One day she Skypes me and we have the following chat:)

Mother: “You’re not going to believe what I’ve just seen on YouTube! It’s so shocking; I don’t know what to say!”

(She sends me the link. It’s Dennis Leary’s song “A**-hole.”)

Me: “How did you end up at this video from all the ice dancing, gymnastics, and opera you usually watch?”

Mother: “Why would anyone want to be this nasty, and then sing about it?!“

Me: “Actually, Mum, I think you’ll find that the song’s an allegory. It’s what Dennis Leary thought about American foreign policy at that time. He’s taking the p***.”

Mother: “I don’t understand how someone as brave and nice and funny as Diego could say things like that.”

Me: “Mum, you can’t be serious. Diego’s not real. Dennis Leary is an actor. He can be an a**hole or he can be Diego; that’s what actors do.”

Mother: “Of course I know that; I’ve just never seen anyone proud of being an a**hole before.”

Me: “Mum, it’s not… You know what? Never mind. Just dial down the YouTube for a while. There’s a whole lot of talk show stuff on there you’ll find quite baffling.”

Mum: “Oh, I’ve seen some of those! I saw Kate Winslet and Stephen Colbert being hilarious and showing how Jack could have fitted on that door in Titanic. That would have been a much better ending to the movie! Although, I did see another video about how it’s not really Titanic that sank in the Atlantic after all; it was a completely different ship—”
Me: “Mum, you’ve been sucked into videos about conspiracy theories. There’s no coming back from those; they’re like a cult. I’m ending this conversation before you start telling me how JFK is alive and well and living on the moon with Princess Diana.”

(It is Christmas Day, and my brother and I have given our Mum gifts.)

Mum: *opening my gift* “A pizza stone? And a set of [kitchen utensils that make cooking easier]? Thank you, [My Name]. I was going to buy these for myself.”

(She gets handed a present from my brother. She shakes it and hears no sound. Deciding to open it, she uncovers layer upon layer of newspaper. Her face slowly darkens and we hear her muttering “…box full of air…oh, no, wait… it must be full of love,” but she gets to the gift and stares at it blankly before pulling it out.)

Mum: *holding up fork* “Is this it, [Brother]?”

Me: *reaching over and laughing* “No, no, look.”

(I extend the fork to five times its original length. Mum bursts out laughing.)

Mum: “Oh, an extendable fork; that makes everything better!”

(A woman comes up to our counter with a return. She pulls out packets of designer papers. I am serving other customers and keeping an eye out just in case it gets out of hand.)

Customer: “I want a refund on these; I’ve used some of them.”

Coworker: “These have all been opened.”

Customer: “Yes. I used what I needed from each pack. I just want you to work out what each sheet costs and give me the refund on them.”

Coworker: “That’s not how it works. These are sold as a pack; we only refund full packets”.

Customer: “I don’t want a refund on the full packs; I just want a refund on what I haven’t used.”

Coworker: “I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why not? I shouldn’t have to pay for what I don’t use.”

Coworker: “We do not refund leftover items. If these papers were bought individually then we can, but they are in a packet, and we can not resell the packet if it is missing items.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you won’t help me. I need a refund on these items I am not going to use. It’s a waste of my money when I only needed a couple of sheets out of each packet. There’s still ten in the packet. Just work out the price for the individual sheets.”

Coworker: “We can’t do refunds on partially-used items. Would you take back a box of cereal to a supermarket because you only wanted one bowl of cereal out of it?”

Customer: “Well, that’s just idiotic. No, I would not. What’s cereal got to do with it?”

Coworker: “It’s basically what you want me to do: take back a partially-used product that we can no longer sell for full price. I can’t do it.”

Customer: “Get me the manager.”

Coworker: “I am a supervisor. The manager is not in.”

Customer: “Well, get me your supervisor, then.”

Me: “That’ll be me, and I can’t do it, either.”

Customer: “I’ll be calling Head Office about this.”

Coworker: *handing the receipt back* “The phone number’s just there. Good luck with that.”

Customer: *to me* “Oh, but can’t you just do it?”

Coworker: “As I have already explained, no, she can’t. Now, if you would just move on; you are wasting your time and mine, and there are customers waiting. NEXT!”

(I work part-time in a retail store. We are primarily a book store but also sell stationery, magazines and cards. At the moment we have a display of boxed Christmas cards at the front of the store.)

Customer: “Do you have any Christmas cards that will fit this envelope?” *holds up a bunch of very thin, very long envelopes*

Me: “We might do! Have a look around and see what we have.”

(The customer is looking at the cards on display and clearly didn’t hear me.)

Customer: *a moment later, already with attitude* “Well, do you?”

Me: *repeats, still cheerfully* “Yeah, we might do!”

Customer: *quite aggressively* “No I want you to come and HELP me find one.”

(I was just about to cash up one of the tills as it’s near closing.)

Me: “Oh, okay, sure.” *I walk around the counter and approach her* “May I have a look at the envelope size you have there?”

Customer: *hands me one of them* “See, because they’re all pre-paid for and I’ve written on them already.”

Me: “Okay, I see.” *I start comparing the envelope in my hand to cards in the boxed packs she’s looking at* “These ones here look like they might fit?”

Customer: “No, you have to take it out of the box to see for sure.”

(It sounds like a mild suggestion to me. I don’t oblige because we typically don’t open packaging unless they’re going to buy it. Sometimes we do make exceptions but these boxed packs of cards aren’t a simple open and close. I keep comparing the card sizes inside the boxes.)

Customer: “What about these ones? These are nice.” *hands me a pack*

Me: *checking* “Yeah, they look like they’d be a good fit!”

Customer: *snaps* “No, you have to take it out and LOOK!”

(I’m surprised, not really sure what to say for a moment because, again, we don’t typically do that. I open my mouth to speak… but apparently too late.)

Customer: *practically yelling now* “Look, if you don’t WANT to help me, I’ll just go somewhere else!” *snatches the envelope from my hand and storms off*

(I just let her go with a very bewildered “Okay…?” Who wants to serve a customer like that, anyway?)

(The other day I was driving in my car, listening to an interview on the radio. The interviewer was talking to a singer who was coming to perform in New Zealand. I can’t remember who she was, but I will never forget the interview:)

Singer: “Now, who am I talking to here? Is this Australia or New Zealand?”

Radio Host: “You’re talking to New Zealand, and we’re looking forward to you coming out here!”

Singer: “New Zealand! Oh, my. I can’t wait to visit. I have never been before, and I won’t have much time, but I’m determined to see an orc.”

Radio Host: “A… I’m sorry, an orc?”

Singer: “Obviously it would have to be in captivity. I wouldn’t want to run across one in the wild!”

Radio Host: *playing along* “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but orcs are extinct.”

Singer: “Awww, really? That’s so disappointing! You don’t have any, not even in captivity?”

Radio Host: “No, we wiped them out. They weren’t very nice. Sorry.”

Singer: “Well, that’s a shame. Can you still visit parts of Middle Earth?”

Radio Host: “That you can do. Make sure you include Hobbiton on your tour!”

(After that, the host changed the subject to the singer’s latest album. But she was so sincere about the orcs, and sounded so truly disappointed to find out she would not be able to see one, that I’m not sure to this day whether she was kidding or not!)