Pill-Popping Out Punchlines

, , , , | Related | October 2, 2018

(My sister has come to stay with me for the weekend and we are in the kitchen making breakfast. Due to health issues, I take multiple medications every day and have done for several years. I start counting out my many pills on the counter when my sister looks over.)

Sister: *pointing to one* “Is that a new tablet? Wow, its big.”

Me: “Eh, it’s not that big, but it is dissolvable and even raspberry flavored.”

Sister: “Still, do you cut it in half? It must be hard to swallow.”

(Looking up at her, I sweep the pills into my palm then swallow them all at once with practiced ease, all without breaking eye contact.)

Sister: “…”

Me: “Yeah, I could probably swallow a golf ball by now.”

Stuck In A Babbling Cycle

, , , , , | Legal | September 25, 2018

(I have just driven through a yellow light; hand in the air, I pushed it a little bit. Turns out there is a cop checkpoint around the corner, and I am rightfully pulled to the side. I apologise to the officer and give him my license. This is the first time I have ever had any encounter with the law at all, so I am a little nervous, anyway. The cop also seems to be taking a very long time to run my details, which is only increasing my anxiety. Finally, he returns.)

Cop: “So… you have been flagged in our system for questioning over the theft of a bike.”

Me: *blinking* “What… A bike?”

Cop: “Yes. Do you have anything you would like to admit to me at this point?”

Me: *starting to freak out a little* “Yes! I mean, no! No, I have nothing to admit. But how did I steal a bike? I don’t have a motorcycle license, sir! I mean, I keep asking my dad if I can learn, because he has one and it looks fun, but then my mother keeps yelling at me every time I bring it up because my dad fell off one at my age. I think that freaks her out and she thinks I’m going to do the same. She works with doctors, so she gets all the horror stories. She promised I could for my 18th birthday, but then she claimed she didn’t remember it when my 18th birthday came…” *continues babbling for ages out of anxiety*

Cop: “No. It was a stolen mountain bike.”

(The cop got another officer to come meet with me at a later date to confirm my story. Turns out, an old classmate of mine used my name to resell an expensive stolen mountain bike at a local pawn shop. The cop was pretty convinced it hadn’t been me when they explained it was a Polynesian girl with black hair and dark skin, which was quite different than my light brown hair and pasty English complexion. I got a warning for running the yellow light. I have had no further run-ins with the law.)

Unfiltered Story #120927

, | Unfiltered | September 13, 2018

I work for an ISP support line, We support for a company that provides Australia with internet.

Customer: My internet is not working! fix it now!

Me: sure, what lights are on showing on the modem?

Customer: nothing, why cant you guys just bloody fix this? stop asking me all these stupid questions?!

Me: oh, the power light is out too?

Customer: yes

Me: i see, is the modem plugged in and turned on by any chance?

Customer: no, no this is a wireless modem.. I dont need to plug anything in.

Me: (face palm)

after a few mins i had the customer online.. and yes i had to explain the WIFI is wireless but the modem needed to be plugged in at all times LOL

It’s Soda Water Under The Bridge

, , , | Right | September 10, 2018

(I’m a waitress at a Thai restaurant at the beginning of summer. Recently we’ve had a lot of customers due to the cruise ships visiting and we’ve run out of a couple of drinks. I’m waiting on a table of three who’re staying at a very expensive hotel.)

Me: “Hi there, are you ready to order?”

Customer #1: “Just drinks at the moment. Could I get a soda water?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we’re out of soda water today. But we do have tonic water.”

Customer #1: “Well, I’ll just go buy one somewhere else.”

Me: “Okay, but I’ll have to go check with the manager and see if that’s allowed; otherwise you may have to pay a corkage fee, which is usually around $5.”

Customer #1: “That’s ridiculous. It’s not my problem you don’t have what I want.”

(I quickly take the other two’s orders and when I come back out with their drinks, a complimentary jug of water, and an extra glass, I find out the man has left to go buy the soda water.)

Customer #2: “I’m sorry about the other guy. I’m afraid there’s not much you can do when they’re brought up like that.”

Unfiltered Story #119644

, | Unfiltered | September 8, 2018

(I’m a part timer working at a checkout. one day I was on an express lane during a rush hour, as I was scanning through some products)

Customer: I don’t think that item you scanned is at the right priced!

Me: Oh sorry, did you happened to remember the price of the product? (We were so busy I didn’t even go to check the price and just decided to trust her words and re-entered the “Correct” price)

Customer: I’m soooo sick of this! (In an angry tone)

Me: I’m… sorry?

Customer: Your store always have the wrong pricing! (goes on this massive rant and kept saying how everything was my fault)

After she has finished

Me: I’m sorry Ma’am, I understand where your coming from(except how everything was my fault?) but sometime we do have some pricing error, because we get the pricing from (name of company that owned the supermarket) It could be an error from them OR our checkout machine didn’t register them properly, However I well do my best to pass on the message for you to make sure they check the pricing properly next time, as I don’t do any of the pricing.

Customer: I don’t care the pricing was still wrong! This is not good enough!

Asked if she wanted to speak to my duty manager but declined saying it well take too long…

Me: Uh… well then I’ll try my best to pass on that message for you to the correct department, again As I’m only a checkout person and don’t do any of the pricing, so I can’t really do anything else.

Customer: I don’t care. You! (pointing at me) need to take responsibility for this!

At this point I wasn’t sure what else she wanted me to do because I had already fixed the price of her items, apologize, asked if she wanted to speak to the manager and promised to pass on the message to the guys who does the price tag. So I literally repeated the same line as I did before over 3-4 times before she gave up and stormed off, This all happened for about 5-10mins when there was a massive line of other customer waiting.

Apologize to the next customer for taking so long.

Customer No.2: Nah man It’s cool, But Wow do you get people like that all the time?

Me: Yep… All the time. (Customer No.2 and pretty much the rest of the customer in lined laughed after she had left)

Btw: When I left for break I went to check the price and apparently It wasn’t wrong, she had just picked the wrong item that was right next to it. (I guess she won?)

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