Not Such A Sleeping Beauty

, , , | Right | August 21, 2019

(I am on the train to work, and it’s pretty early in the morning. We’re heading into the city, and most of the people on board are pretty sleepy, myself included. The guy next to me has fallen asleep, and I mean solidly asleep. The one stop the train makes before the city, where a huge influx of people board, does nothing to wake him up. He is out of it. As I’ve known people who have missed stops — and flights — before due to being asleep, when we arrive at the station I decide to help. Big mistake.)

Me: *very gently touches him on the shoulder* “Hey, we’re–”

Guy: *jerks upright* “I was not sleeping!

Me: “Oh, sorry, just didn’t want you to miss your stop.”

Guy: *glares* “Well, I wouldn’t have, because I wasn’t sleeping!

Me: “Okay, sorry?”

Guy: *huffs and starts muttering under his breath*

Me: *to my partner, who was in a different seat, as we’re walking out* “Jeez, next time I’ll just let him sleep through his stop!”

Partner: “Right? I mean just ’cause it’s Monday, there’s no need to be rude.”

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Death Of A Salesman’s Sale

, , , | Working | August 13, 2019

Insurance Telemarketer: “Hi, there! I was just calling to tell you about the wonderful deals we have on life insurance at the moment!”

Me: *asking a purely rhetorical question* “What if I’ve only got weeks to live?”

Insurance Telemarketer: “Oh… you have a nice evening!” *click*

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For Some, Disco Never Died

, , | Right | August 2, 2019

(I work in a hotel as close to the central city as you can get. It’s a major reason why people book with us.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

(An elderly couple approaches the desk.)

Male Guest: “I wanted to know if you knew about the ‘disco’ last night?!”

Me: “Uh, sorry, the what?”

Male Guest: “The disco! Until 3:00 am!”

Me: “Are you saying a room was being noisy last night?”

Male Guest: “No! The disco! On the street! I don’t know!”

Me: *clicking* “Oh! You mean the bars, maybe?”

Male Guest: “I don’t know! But it kept us awake until 3:00 am! Will they be like that tonight, too?! We aren’t happy!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I have no control over how loud they play their music. Perhaps you’d like to move rooms so you’re facing away from the central city?”

Male Guest: “No, I don’t want that! We’re only here for one more night; what’s the point? We don’t want to hear it again tonight!”

Me: “Well, I can offer earplugs, but otherwise, it’s a little out of my control.”

Female Guest: “Just one pair. I can’t wear them.”

Male Guest: “We won’t be impressed if we’re kept awake again…” *continues rant about the disco and being kept awake*

Me: *interrupting* “Well, I’ve offered to move you, and you have earplugs, but I can’t make any difference to how a business operates. Can I help you with anything else?”

Male Guest: “No! I just wanted to let you know about the disco!”

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Long-Suffering Husbands Can Relate

, , | Right | July 12, 2019

(A husband and wife are browsing in our shoe shop. She picks up a pair of white shoes from the shelf.)

Wife: “These are perfect, but I want them in black.”

(Her husband picks up the identical black version situated right next to them and shows her.)

Wife: “No… I don’t like those.”

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Tag This One As Stupid

, , , | Right | July 10, 2019

(This customer clearly has English as a first language and is wearing a lanyard for a government department. The customer enters the store, I greet her as usual, leaving her to look around for a couple of minutes, and then I approach her again to see if she needs help.)

Me: “Are you all right looking over there? Is there anything I can help you with?”

i

Me: “Absolutely, that’s a free size, and it has a lot of stretch, so it fits from a 6 to a small 14.”

Customer: *looks at price and size tag for a good two minutes* “How much is this?”

Me: “Oh, that’s [price].”

Customer: *still looking at tag* “Oh, I see on here it’s [price], and what does free size mean?”

Me: *internal screaming* “That means it comes in one size, but it’s super stretchy so it fits a 6 to a small 14.”

Customer: “And it’s [price].”

Me: *suppressing the urge to be sarcastic* “Yes, as I have told you, and you can see the size and price on the tag—“ *points to tag* “—just there.”

Customer: “Ooooh, I see!” *waves tag at me* “It says on the tag just here! Okay, I’m off now! Bye!” *dumps item on floor, leaves the shop*

(Y’know when people say things that are so stupid and unnecessary you have to squint a little? Yeah.)

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