Driving The Marriage Into The Ground

, , , , , | Related | May 15, 2018

My husband likes to joke with my dad that he was never paid a dowry for marrying me. My dad’s pride and joy — and the object of my husband’s envy — is a 1967 Chevy Impala, in mint condition. Dad likes to drive it to the beach and to golf. When my husband and I are visiting the hometown, Dad gives my husband the keys and lets him drive it for the duration of our visit. And, he says, when he dies, he’ll leave it to my husband, by way of a legacy and a dowry.

One day Dad sees a boat he’d like to buy. The Chevy’s been spending more and more time tucked up in the garage. He decides to sell the Chevy to buy the boat. He advertises the Chevy on New Zealand’s online auction site. There’s a space for comments under each auction listing, and when my husband sees the Chevy listed, he goes pale. He doesn’t speak. He goes outside to his garage. Then he comes back in and types the following into the comments section:

“That car was my dowry. I’m sending back your daughter.”

Unfiltered Story #110705

| Unfiltered | May 15, 2018

Customer: I bought a pair of jeans from your store, and now they’ve ripped. I need you to replace them

Me: I’m really sorry to hear that. If you give me the jeans I’ll get that sorted for you.

Customer: Well, I don’t have them, I threw them out. I’m very disappointed, they were expensive jeans.

Me: Uh, unfortunately I’ll actually have to see the faulty product to replace them for you…

After 10 mins of ranting about my customer service, claiming she was a VIP and demanding her money back the lady asked to talk to my manager. Never been so happy to pass a customer over

Unfiltered Story #110657

| Unfiltered | May 9, 2018

(I am at a popular theme park, in line with my mum, waiting to see the photographs taken during the ride we just went on. The lines for the rides themselves are quite long on this day, so you would probably make it to each ride only once in a day. In front of me is a group of two girls and a man).

Girl 1: Dad! The photo!

Girl 2: …

(They walk off, smiling, but slightly annoyed).

Dad: *yelling after them, before following* Hey! I was doing my ‘awesome face’!

(I turn to the screens, just in time to see a photograph of the two girls, with big cheesy grins and jazz hands, while the dad sits in the middle doing perhaps the best fish face I’ve ever seen. He must have sat like that for a long time…)

There Will Not Be Blood

, , | Healthy | May 2, 2018

(Due to having a serious illness as a kid, I’ve had countless numbers of blood tests. When I am old enough to donate blood, I do so willingly, but knowing that my veins are now difficult to find, I always request an experienced technician. This is on all my paperwork, for their benefit as well as mine. This is my fourth or fifth donation, so I know the drill fairly well. It usually takes 15 to 20 minutes.)

Head Technician: “So, I understand that you’ve got difficult veins! That’s not a problem, but I was wondering if you would mind if we get one of our senior technicians to have a practice with you? He’s requested some further experience on veins like yours. I’ll be watching him and with him the whole time.”

Me: “That sounds fine.”

(The head technician brings over a young man, and they prep everything accordingly. Then, at the point where he has to place the needle in, the head technician walks away!)

Young Tech: “Oops! Let me try again.”

(To my mildly-suppressed horror, he tries to find a vein five times!)

Me: “Um, is everything going okay?”

Young Tech: “Sorry, this won’t take too long. I’m just a bit nervous! Are you still okay?”

Me: “Um, yup, just do what you have to!”

(Trying to be helpful, I endure another ten minutes of him attempting to find the vein in my right arm, and missing every time.)

Young Tech: “It looks like this arm is useless, so I’m going to try your left arm!”

Me: “Um, okay?”

(The head technician wanders past and nods approvingly. The young tech gets my left arm set up. At this stage I’m not really into it, but feel like I’m committed, and I’m beginning to feel a little faint.)

Young Tech: “Here we go!”

(Here we do not go. After another twenty minutes of being used as a pin cushion, the young tech calls the head technician over.)

Head Technician: “Oh, well, it looks like we’ve exhausted both arms today! How much blood did we get?”

Young Tech & Me: “None.”

Head Technician: “Oh. Well, we can try again tomorrow!”

(As I am leaving, one of the nurses passes by and asked how things went. I explain, and she is aghast.)

Nurse: “It’s his first day!”

(I marched back to the head technician, who brushed off my concerns, even though all my paperwork said I had tricky veins and needed an experienced technician. The next day, I had deep blue bruises on both my arms from my mid-forearm to almost my armpit, which lead me to being spoken to by my managers about drug use. I didn’t go to give blood the next day!)

Some Christians Can’t Tell The Difference

, , , , , | Learning | April 27, 2018

(My family never goes to church, and I wasn’t raised with any particular religious beliefs, so as a teenager I am curious about religion and whether or not I believe in it. When I am 14 I ask a classmate about his life as a Jehovah’s Witness. This part of the conservation takes place in the middle of a science class.)

Classmate: “So, I never asked. What religion are you?”

Me: “Oh, I’m…”

(I try to think of the word that starts with A and means I’m not a Christian.)

Me: “…the antiChrist!”

(Our teacher is walking past and stops with a strange look on his face.)

Teacher: “[My Name], I think you mean, ‘atheist.’”

Me: “Oh, yeah! That’s the one!”

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