My Father, The Turncoat

, , , , | Related | November 1, 2017

(I’m in a bad mood at present, so I’m reading Not Always Right stories to try to divert myself from brooding. My parents and I have been invited out to dinner by relatives who live a two-minutes walk away. I don’t feel like going, because my mood is bad enough to bother other people, so I tell my parents so.)

Dad: “You’re staying in? We won’t bother taking keys, then.”

(This always annoys me. How hard is it to take the keys?)

Me: “No, you’d better take them, so you won’t get locked out in case I go out.”

Dad: *exasperated noise*

Me: “Do you want to find yourselves locked out and to have to find the spares at the relatives?”

Dad: *another noise*

Mum: “Let it go, [Dad]. She’s just in a bad mood, like you are when you get annoyed about nothing at all.”

(I burst out laughing at this point, and feel much better. Then I hear:)

Mum: “Put your coat on!”

Dad: “It’s just around the corner!”

Mum: “I don’t care; put it on anyway! It’s the middle of winter, it’s frosty, and your grandson had to come home from kindergarten because he was too cold. Put on the coat!”

(They’ve been married for nearly 50 years. It amazes me that he always tries to argue the point, when it would be quicker and easier just to put the coat on.)

A Surprisingly Healthy Option

, , , , , | Related | October 27, 2017

(I am in my room when my sister knocks on my door.)

Sister: “Would you like tea and biscuits with a surprise?”

Me: “What’s the surprise?”

Sister: “There are no biscuits.”

(I went out to get my tea and, lo and behold, there were biscuits.)

The Uninsured Dead

, , , , | Healthy | October 24, 2017

(A few months ago we signed up for pet insurance for all four of our animals. This month, we got caught by surprise by the payment and as a result, one of the payments did not process correctly. This is the email we got regarding the payment that did not process:)

Email: “Please call us on [number] or email us quoting [policy number] in regards to your insurance payment for your pet Zombie.”

(Punctuation is EVERYTHING.)

It’s Like Talking To A Vegetable

, , , | Right | October 23, 2017

(I am a second year university student working the front counter of a popular pizza shop late one night.)

Customer: “I want a meat-lovers pizza but without the meat.”

Me: “Ma’am, that would just be a cheese pizza, which you can order for half the price.”

Customer: “No, I want a vegetarian meat-lovers pizza. Just take the meat off and leave all the veggies.”

Me: “There are no vegetables on this pizza. Perhaps I can interest you in our veggie-lovers pizza instead?”

Customer: “Are you dumb?” *speaking extremely slowly* “I… want… a… vegetarian… meat-lovers… pizza.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. One veggie meat-lovers.” *places order for veggie-lovers*

(The veggie pizza is given to the customer.)

Customer: “See, what was so hard about that? Maybe you should listen to your customers more. We obviously know the menu better than you dumb dropouts.”

They Remind You Of The Babe

, , , , | Friendly | October 6, 2017

(I’m working with two coworkers who are several years older than I. Both start singing and quoting a movie back and forth.)

Me: “I have absolutely no idea what you two are on about.”

Coworker #1: “You aren’t that young, are you?”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, it’s from Labyrinth.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I watched that years ago. That’s the one where David Bowie is a—”

(All three of us simultaneously:)

Me: “Paedophile.”

Coworker #1: “Hot guy!”

Coworker #2: “Goblin king!”

Me: “Hmmm, guess we all took something different away from that film.”

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