Can’t Handle A Handover

, , , , | Working | February 7, 2018

(We are currently hiring for a large number of open positions, so we will take interviews from pretty much anyone. I am calling a job applicant.)

Applicant: “My roommate is looking for a job, as well; can I refer her to you?”

Me: “That would be great, actually! Can I have her phone number and name?”

Applicant: “Her name is [Roommate], and this is our landline; you can reach her at this number.”

Me: “All right. When would be a good time to reach her?”

Applicant: “She is standing here with me, right now. After we are done, just call back and she will pick up.”

Me: *pause* “Would it be possible for you to hand her the phone?”

Bob’s Burger

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2018

(It’s the year before I was born. My parents are taking a long road trip. They have been driving for hours, and they stop at a 24-hour diner at about two in the morning.)

Waitress: “Hi, folks. What can I get you?”

Mom: “I’d like a grilled cheese and a [soda], please.”

Waitress: “And for you, sir?”

Dad: “I’ll have a milkshake with coleslaw.”

Waitress: “Sorry, what was that?”

Dad: “A milkshake with coleslaw, please.”

Mom: “Bob.”

Dad: “What? I want a milkshake with coleslaw!”

Waitress: “Okay, sir, let me just make sure I’ve got this right. You want a milkshake?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Waitress: “With coleslaw?”

Dad: “Yes!”

Waitress: “And nothing else?”

Dad: *long pause* “Did I forget to order a burger?”

Mom: “Yes, Bob, you did.”

Dad: “Oh. Sorry, I’m really tired.”

Waitress: *laughing* “Thank goodness! I couldn’t tell who was losing their mind: you or me!”

Your Own Private Coffee

, , , , , , | Right | February 6, 2018

(I am on a late shift in midtown Manhattan. My assistant manager is acting as cashier and barista while I am bussing the lobby. A rather unkempt-looking 20-something woman wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt comes in and approaches the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like a grande coffee.”

Assistant Manager: “All right, that’ll be [price].”

Customer: “Okay, hold on a minute.”

(The customer turns her back, walks a few steps away, pulls down the front of her sweatpants and underwear, and proceeds to pull something apparently OUT OF her private parts. Aghast, I glance at the assistant manager and he glances back at me, looking horrified. As the woman turns around with a couple of crumpled bills in her hand, he quickly states:)

Assistant Manager: “I’m sorry, but we can’t accept that. You can just take your coffee for free.”

(The woman gave him a strange smile, took her coffee, and left. The assistant manager rushed to disinfect the counter and the door handle she touched on the way out. Only in New York.)

The Sauce Of Their Confusion, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | February 5, 2018

(At my gas station, we have a small sub shop. This happens one busy night when I hop over to help the deli worker.)

Me: “Can I get you folks anything?”

Customer: “What’s the CBR?”

Me: “That’s our Chicken Bacon Ranch.”

Customer: “So, what’s in it?”

Me: “Um… chicken strips, bacon, and ranch dressing.”

Customer: *thinks for a moment* “So, it has, like, hot sauce on it?”

Me: “…”

The Sauce Of Their Confusion

It’s All In The (Lack Of) Delivery, Part 4

, , , , | Working | February 3, 2018

(I am working at a business very near a famous landmark building. The business has seen fit to name itself [Place Very Near Famous Landmark Building]. As you can imagine, this causes all kinds of confusion. I get a call that a delivery is coming for me, and they want to know what floor they can find me on. I can tell they think I am in [Famous Landmark Building].)

Me: “We are at [street address], across the street from [Famous Landmark Building]. Please use the street address to find us, and don’t just go to [Famous Landmark Building], as that is not where I work.”

Delivery Person: *obviously not listening* “Uh-huh. Should be there in fifteen minutes.”

(Fifteen minutes pass. I get a phone call.)

Delivery Person: “Where are you? I’m on the third floor, and nobody here has heard of you.”

Me: “Did you go to [Famous Landmark Building]?”

Delivery Person: “Yes.”

Me: “Again, that is not where I work. Please look at the delivery address.”

Delivery Person: “That’s where I am! I’m at [street address].”

Voice In The Background: “That’s not our address. That’s across the street.”

(There was a long silence. Then, the phone went dead. Five minutes later, I got a call from reception that a delivery guy came in, dropped my package at the desk, and ran off in a hurry.)

It’s All In The (Lack Of) Delivery, Part 3
It’s All In The (Lack Of) Delivery, Part 2
It’s All In The (Lack Of) Delivery

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