It’s Like Watching An Unstoppable Force Meet An Immovable Object  

, , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(I work at the front desk of a major advertising agency. One morning, a gentleman comes in, looking around, confused, and approaches my desk.)

Me: “Hi there! How can I help you?”

Client: “Um… I have an appointment with two clients of mine today.”

Me: “Okay, do you have their names so I can let them know you’re here?”

Client: “I don’t know their names.”

Me: “Oh. Hmm. What department could they be in?”

Client: “Oh, you know, sales. Their names are on my phone.”

(He then looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “I see. Well, once you know their names, I will be glad to have them come get you.”

Client: “The name is on my phone.”

Me: “Feel free to check your phone on the seats over there, if you like.”

Client: “Don’t you have an appointment for me? My name is [My Name].”

Me: “Unfortunately, as we have over 300 people in the building and many of them work sales or design and have constant appointments, I have no way of keeping track of everyone’s schedules. If you’ll just look up who you are meeting, though, I will be glad to let them know you’re here.”

Client: “Fine.”

(He pulls his phone out of his pocket and scrolls through a bit.)

Client: “It’s with [Person #1] and [Person #2].”

Me: “Great! I will let them know you’re here, then.”

Client: “That shouldn’t have been so hard.”

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Will Never Look At Mint Thins The Same Way Again

, , , , , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(I work as waitstaff at a retirement home restaurant where we serve the residents a three-course meal. I go over to my table full of old ladies to give them their dessert. Most of the ladies order the cookie of the day, which is dark chocolate chunk. The cookies we serve are the good kind that you’d buy from a kids’ fundraiser. I serve them their cookies and a few minutes later the ladies call me over.)

Lady #1: *completely serious* “These cookies are amazing! They remind me of an orgasm.”

(This horny old woman looks like an older version of the lady from a Sling TV commercial. I try my hardest not to burst out laughing.)

Lady #2: *picture a tiny, brittle old woman* “Well, then, that’s the best d*** orgasm I’ve even had!”

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Unfiltered Story #167589

, , , | Unfiltered | September 20, 2019

(I’m about 12 years old. I am a victim of bullying, and all my friends have ditched me. After a particularly rough day, I am visually upset, and decide to stop by a burger joint on my way home from school.)

Me: How much is a slider?
Employee 1: $2.06.
Me: I only have t-two dollars.
Employee 1: that’s okay. Are you feeling alright? What’s the matter?
Me: my friends aren’t v-very nice p-people. And I’m-m being b-bullied at school.
Employee 2: *handing me a cup*
Me: Oh, sir I think you m-miss heard-d me-
Employee 2: it’s okay. The soda machine is over there.
Me: th-thank you, thank you!
Cook: do you like cheese on your burger?
Me: y-yes please.
(I fill my cup with coke and return to the cashier to pick up my burger)
Employee 1: *handing me a bag* Here’s some ketchup.
(I look inside the bag, and there’s two burgers in there!)
Me- Ma’am, there’s two b-burgers in here.
Employee 2: our treat. Things will get better, I promise.
Cook: those people are not your friends. I’ll be your new friend. I’ll be new… what people call it today…? I’ll be “bae” If you ever want to talk to someone come in and ask for (cook’s name)
Me: *laughing, for the first time in a week* thank y-you guys so so so much.
Employee 1: do you live far away? Should I walk with you?
Me: no, no, it’s okay. I just live a few blocks away.
Employee 1: come back any time. We’re here.
Employee 2: *picking up broom, swinging it around in the air* that’s what happens if people hurt you again. I’ll break them. to pieces.
(I’m laughing hard by now. The Employees look really pleased.)
Me: thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it. I’ll be back tomorrow.
Cook: keep me updated!
Employee 2: Yeah, we want the juice!

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Wake Me Up When “September” Ends

, , , , , | Romantic | September 19, 2019

(My husband and I are at a high school concert to watch our two nieces perform. We are both in our 40s, but he’s got six extra years on me. The senior band starts playing Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “September.”)

Me: *to my husband* “You realize this was already playing on oldies stations when they were babies, right?”

Husband: *sigh of oldness*

(The senior band starts playing Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther Theme,” with our elder niece wailing away on the lead sax.)

Me: “And this was playing on oldies stations when their parents were babies! Feel old yet?”

Husband: *even deeper sigh of oldness*

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No Answers On The Verizon Horizon

, , , | Right | September 18, 2019

(I work at a local hotel. The most frequently left-behind item is a phone charger, so as a result, our storage room has a large collection of chargers that will likely never see their original owners again. I get a call today.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Guest: “I left my cell phone charger in my room two days ago. I need you to send it back.”

(I know I have a pile in the back room, as housekeeping has already picked it up.)

Me: “What kind of phone do you have — iPhone or Android?”

Guest: “It’s a cell phone.”

Me: “Okay, I need a little more detail than that so I send out the right one.”

Guest: “It’s a Verizon cell phone.”

Me: “Do you have more detail than that, ma’am?”

Guest: “It’s a Samsung Verizon cell phone! It is in my room against the wall.”

Me: *giving up hope* “All right, ma’am, I will go grab it. We charge for shipping; is that all right?”

Guest: “Fine, Verizon cell phone.” *click*

(I went into the back find a charger with the word Samsung printed on it and brought it to shipping with a new story to tell.)

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