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This Client Needs Some Special Attention

, , , , , | Right | May 24, 2022

I work in tech support. I’m called in on a consult because the company’s internal programs aren’t working. I look at the input and notice they keep entering a dash.

Me: “You know this input cannot handle special characters.”

Client: “It’s not special. I use it all the time.”

Twenty Dollar Vision

, , , , , | Right | May 21, 2022

A very friendly woman has just paid for her $18 concession order with a crisp, brand-new $20 bill. About ten minutes later, she storms up to me, absolutely furious.

Customer: “Give me my $20 right now!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I’m missing a $20 bill from my wallet! I must have given it to you! Give me $20 out of your register RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I apologize if I didn’t give you the proper change back. Unfortunately, I can’t just give you $20 out of my register and risk being short $20 at the end of the night. But if you’d like, I can have a manager come out and check the sales on my register and the cash in my drawer. If you did accidentally give me an extra $20 bill, it should show up as a discrepancy and I’ll be able to return it to you immediately. It’s been a very slow day, so it shouldn’t take more than five minutes for them to check. If you want to give me your seat number, I can even come find you and let you know if we have your $20, and return it if that’s the case.”

Customer: “That’s not good enough! I want $20 right this instant!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, I cannot just simply give you $20 from my register and risk being short $20 at the end of the night just because you asked me to. But I can have a manager come out, check the register, and resolve the situation.”

Customer: *Bellowing* “I WANT MY $20!”

The screaming alerts my managers, who come out and try to address the woman.

Customer: *Pointing to me* “I want that f****** thief fired! He stole $20 from me! He probably pocketed it!”

Figuring it might defuse the situation, I pull out my pockets and then open my wallet in front of the woman at her insistence. Thank God I only have about $5 in singles in there. Regardless, she continues to scream that I’m a thief until the managers threaten to have her kicked out for causing a scene. We finally calm down the woman, and my manager counts my drawer as I suggested in the first place.

Manager: “Ma’am, there is an extra $20 on record in this register…”

Customer: “I knew it!”

Manager: “But I think we’ve found the problem. Did you just go to the bank?”

Customer: “Um… yes?”

Manager: “Did they give you new $20 bills?”

Customer: “Yes?”

My manager holds up what looks like a single, crisp, brand-new $20 bill. He then rubs his fingers against it, and the bill splits into two $20s.

Manager: “Yeah, right here. There are two brand-new $20s. They looked like one because they were perfectly stuck together. You probably grabbed it thinking it was one $20, and my cashier didn’t notice it, either. Here’s your $20.”

He hands the extra $20 to the customer.

Customer: “Um… thanks. That makes sense, I guess.”

She immediately turns and looks at me with a sour face.

Customer: “I still think you were trying to steal it, you little thief! You should be fired and arrested!”

She finally turned and walked toward her theater.

This Scam Has Gone Stale

, , , , | Right | May 19, 2022

A customer comes in who I’ve served a few times before. Every time he comes in, he orders a bag of popcorn, eats it, and then tries to claim it was “stale” to get a refund.  

I’ve literally just finished making a fresh batch of popcorn when he comes in and orders a medium popcorn. I give him the fresh popcorn that, again, I’ve literally JUST made. About ten minutes later, he comes back, having already eaten about half the bag. Throughout the whole conversation, he continues to munch on the popcorn.

Customer: “This popcorn is stale. I want a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I just made that about ten minutes ago. There’s no way it’s stale.”

Customer: “It’s stale.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s not possible.”

Customer: “But it’s stale. I want my money back.”

Me: “No. I literally just made it right before you ordered it. It’s literally impossible for it to be stale. It’s literally as fresh as it could possibly be. And in fact, your popcorn has never been stale when you’ve said it is. You’re not going to keep trying to scam us by claiming our popcorn is always ‘stale.'”

Customer: “But it’s stale.”

Annoyed by his constant scamming, I pick up a popcorn tub, scoop some in, and standing in front of him, begin to eat it.

Me: “No, it’s not. It’s actually quite delicious.”

He rolled his eyes and walked away. I alerted my manager that he had tried to get a refund again by claiming his popcorn was stale. When he came out of his movie, she gave him a stern talking-to about not trying that again, or else we’d start to refuse service to him.

He’s Totally Dome With You!

, , , | Right | May 18, 2022

Summer in the Catskills can get buggy and hot. Summer in the Catskills is also where the dumber rich people go to “get away from it all and go back to nature.” It rains for a full day and then the sun comes out in the afternoon. Suddenly, all the bugs chilling while it was raining come out in full force. I am at the concierge desk.

Guest: “All these bugs are unacceptable. When are you putting up the dome?”

Me: “The ‘dome’?”

Guest: “Yeah, the electric force dome around the resort that keeps the bugs out.”

Me: “The… electric… dome?”

Guest: “Yeah, the dome that keeps bugs out!”

Me: “That’s not a real thing.”

The guest then called me a stupid red-neck who didn’t know how to do my job and demanded I call the owner of the resort, who was like some Swedish billionaire.

I called my manager, instead. He repeated the same complaint to my manager, who was speechless. We called the resort manager to help deescalate this guy who was LIVID that we were not deploying non-existent technology in an area rampant with rural poverty, because why would we improve local infrastructure for the whole county when we could have a giant bug zapper?

He stormed off after we kept calling more staff to listen to his demands, including the head of maintenance, all of us very much failing to hide how hard we were laughing.

Vendor Bender

, , , , | Right | May 17, 2022

I am working at a call center for a website that sells tours and trips around the world.

Customer: “Hi. I booked a trip on your website and had a question.”

The customer proceeds to ask a detailed question about the trip he booked.

Me: “Okay, what you’ll need to do is call the tour vendor for that information. We provided the phone number for you on your voucher.”

Customer: “Why can’t you tell me yourself?”

Me: “The nature of our business is selling events and trips for tour vendors through our portals. If you need specific information about the trip you booked, you’ll need to speak with the vendor and they’ll be happy to provide you with all the information you need. Again, the number is on your voucher.”

Customer: “I asked you!

Me: “Sir, there are over 30,000 different trips, tours, and events listed on our website—”

Customer: “Then what’s your job?”

Me: “I’m here to assist you if you have a problem with the booking itself, such as if you need to reschedule or cancel, if you have a complaint about the tour, you were injured—”

Customer: “Yeah, you’re really fast to take my money, but slow to help me when I need it!”

Me: “You are asking the wrong person. You will need to call the tour vendor. The phone number for the tour vendor is on your voucher. If you don’t have it in front of you, I can give you the number if you have something to write with.”

Customer: “You just don’t want to help me!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t give you information I don’t have. Did you need to—”

Customer: “I’m done talking to you. You’re fast to take my money but slow to help. You’re nothing but lazy and useless, and let me tell you something else—”

Me: *Hangs up*

Ten seconds later…

Me: “[Greeting].”

Customer:Why did you hang up on me?!

Me: “You said you were done talking. If you need the tour vendor’s number—”

Customer: “I’m the customer here! I hang up first!”

Me: “Did you have any other questions?”

Customer: “No. You wanna waste my time, I’ll waste your time.”

Me: “Not at this business.” *Hangs up*