Can’t He Just Celebrate On The Weekend Like A Normal Adult?

, , , | Legal | September 4, 2020

I am the manager of a law firm. I have spent several days coordinating a date and time for a deposition. The next day, I get a phone call.

Junior Lawyer: “Hi, I’m [Junior Lawyer]. I represent [Client Being Deposed]. I need to talk to you about rescheduling his deposition.”

Me: “Why?” 

Junior Lawyer: “I’ve just been told that it’s my client’s birthday. We need a different day, preferably a Tuesday.”

Me: “I had to find a day that worked for four different law firms, a judge, and your client. This was the only available day.”

Junior Lawyer: “But it’s his birthday!”

Me: “He’s a sixty-year-old man who works for the state. Are you telling me he’s not working that day?”

Junior Lawyer: “He’s working but… it’s still his birthday.”

Me: “I’m not going to reschedule unless you clear it with the judge.”

She calls back a few minutes later to tell me she’s got the judge on a conference call.

Junior Lawyer: “[Judge], I have [My Name] on the line. She says she can’t reschedule the deposition unless you clear it.”

Judge: “Why do I have to clear the date? You can change the date as long as my schedule permits.”

Me: “I wanted you to be aware of the reason for the change. It’s her client’s birthday.”

Judge: “So?”

Me: “She wants to change because he doesn’t want to do it on his birthday.”

Crickets.

Judge: “Are you really telling me that we spent days trying to schedule this and now it’s not going to work because it’s his birthday?!”

Junior Lawyer: “Well, he wants to go…”

Judge: “I’m sure he can go to Chuck E. Cheese a different day. We’re not changing. Goodbye!”

Me: “So, I’m going to go ahead and confirm the date now.”

Junior Lawyer: *Sighs heavily* “Okay. He’s not going to be happy.”

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A Thrilling Conversationalist

, , , , , | Related | September 4, 2020

When my niece was born over thirty years ago, my sister thought it would be cute to put the infant on the phone. I protested, but she did it anyway.

Me: “Hi, [Niece]! Tell Mommy I said, ‘Bye, bye!’”

And I hang up. My sister calls back seconds later, enraged, and asks me why I hung up.

Me: “Didn’t [Niece] tell you?”

Sister: “NO! She can’t talk!”

Me: “Exactly!” 

And I waited for her sputtering response. She eventually thought it was funny.

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Angels Have Never Said So Much Before

, , , , , , | Right | September 3, 2020

A seventy-something-year-old woman with claw-like hands, over-processed hair, and too much cosmetic surgery finds out at a cocktail party that I am a literary agent. Uh-oh.

She comes up and puts a claw on my arm. “I understand you’re an agent. I wrote a romance novel. It’s 700,000 words long. It might need some editing, but would you like to see it and maybe represent it?”

I tell her my specialty is business books, and that yes, she really does need to cut it down because the average romance novel is about 55,000 words. Trying to be polite, I tell her it is quite a feat to have written so much.

She says, “Oh, no. It was channeled to me by angels. I wrote it in just sixteen days! Why don’t you take a look, and perhaps you’ll change your mind about working with me? It’s very good.”

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My Two Cents Is Free; Two Bucks Will Cost You

, , , , , , | Legal | September 2, 2020

I am a paramedic in the New York City 911 system. We deal with a lot of abuse towards us, but this course of events had everyone there baffled.

Depending on the night, we sometimes have to fuel up the ambulance at the gas station instead of our actual station, like when it’s really busy or we are out of our main response area. We carry credit cards that are assigned to the truck and can only be used for gas/diesel.

My partner and I are at the gas station at pump seven. I go inside the store for drinks, and when I come back out, a driver is screaming at my partner. I run over and ask what is going on. 

Apparently, the driver had gone inside and put $40 on pump seven — he was actually at pump eight on the other side — so when my partner swiped the card, it didn’t activate. He pumped around two dollars of the other guy’s forty before the driver started screaming and he realized there was a mistake. He hadn’t noticed because the pump had still asked for the odometer reading and truck PIN, even though it didn’t take the card; we’re not sure why.

My partner is trying to apologize and give the guy $2 from his wallet, but the guy isn’t giving him a chance to speak. He is just screaming, “You scammed me! You use your card to fill my tank all the way!” It’s a flatbed, so it has a big tank. We obviously can’t do that, but my partner says that since he didn’t notice and it was his mistake, he has no issue reimbursing the guy from his own wallet and then filing a “petty cash” claim at the end of the shift.

This guy is not having it. He just keeps screaming to the point that one of the store employees comes out to see what is going on. By this time, I have already landlined dispatch, briefly explained, and asked for a boss to come to try and rectify the situation. Dispatch heard the screaming in the background and decided to dispatch another unit to our location, as well as a boss and police for our safety.

The guy goes inside to yell at the clerk for stealing his money. I follow him to make sure the clerks are safe. We are on really good terms with the night manager, so we always feel like we need to keep her safe. The guy starts screaming at her, even after she offers to give him the $2.

That’s where it goes from bad to “oh, s***.” This moron decides since he’s angry, he’s going to pull out his pocket knife and threaten everyone. It does not work like he wants it to, though. I quickly hit my radio emergency button — which my partner hears and comes running — and speak over the air, “[Distress code], I need PD now; he has a knife.”

In my area, when an ambulance calls a distress code, you get literally everybody. Every available ambulance, boss, and sometimes chief show up to help. We end up with something like twelve ambulances and two bosses at our location within two or three minutes. We get almost the entire police precinct within five or six minutes.

The guy does not have a good day after that; he ends up arrested because of the weapon — all over $2 that we said we would gladly give him.

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Literally Scream For Ice Cream, Part 6

, , , , , | Right | September 1, 2020

I’ve been delivering with a third-party food delivery app to earn some extra cash. Today, it is insanely hot. It is still around ninety degrees at six pm. As a result, most of my deliveries are for ice cream.

I get to the ice cream store and see a line outside. Due to the current health crisis, only a few people are allowed inside at a time.

The owner of the store is outside controlling the line and answering questions. He notices me standing there.

Owner: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m picking up an Uber order for [Customer].”

Owner: “No problem. [Employee], can you get the order for [Customer]?”

As the employee walks inside, I see someone walk up and open the door to the restaurant. The owner stops him. 

Owner: “Can I help you?”

Other Delivery Driver: “Yeah, I’m picking up a [Third-Party Delivery] order. I’m going inside to get it.”

He continues to try to walk in.

Owner: “Sir! You have to wait out here; it’s too crowded.”

Other Delivery Driver: “No, it’s fine. I’m just picking up an order.”

Owner: “Yes, I know. One of my employees will be out and she’ll get it for you.”

Other Delivery Driver: “So, it isn’t ready?”

Owner: “No, dude, it’s probably ready. I’m just waiting for someone to grab it.”

Other Delivery Driver: “So, it’s not ready?”

Owner: “It’s ready! Just give me a minute.”

Other Delivery Driver: “F*** this. I’m not waiting for f****** ice cream. I’m canceling the order.”

Owner: “JUST WAIT ONE MINUTE! IT’S READY!”

Other Delivery Driver: “No, f*** this. You don’t know how to run a business. I’m canceling the order.”

He walked away. That whole thing took less than a minute. Right after he left, the employee came out with my order and I left. I feel bad for the guy’s customer. Hopefully, he wasn’t able to cancel the order and someone else picked it up for them.

Related:
Literally Scream For Ice Cream, Part 5
Literally Scream For Ice Cream, Part 4
Literally Scream For Ice Cream, Part 3
Literally Scream For Ice Cream, Part 2
Literally Scream For Ice Cream

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