Read The Bloody Chart

, , , , | Healthy | July 24, 2018

(I start menstruating at 12 years old, but my periods never become regular over time like they are supposed to. Sometimes they last three days, sometimes six or seven. Sometimes I wait three weeks between periods, sometimes five or six weeks. For a while, it doesn’t bother me, but when I am 22, I decide to go to a gynecologist and ask if there is anything to worry about. I should also note that I look very young and am often mistaken for a teenager. At the doctor’s office, I am taken to an exam room where the nurse takes my history and tells me the doctor will be there in a few minutes.)

Doctor: *does not look at my chart* “I hear you’re concerned that your period isn’t regular yet.”

Me: “That’s right; it’s always a surprise. I just want to make sure it’s nothing I should be worried about.”

Doctor: *condescendingly* “Well, it’s not uncommon for periods to be irregular after they start. It can take a few years for your period to become regular.”

Me: *realizing she thinks I’m a teenager* “Ten? Is ten enough years? Because it’s been ten years.”

(The doctor goes white, quickly grabs my chart, and realizes I’m older than she assumed.)

Doctor: “Oh! It definitely should be regular by now; let’s run some blood work.”

Do Things Different So Faro From Home

, , , , , , | Working | July 23, 2018

(My brother and I go to New York. I am 23 years old and he is 20, and we are both Portuguese citizens. We are invited by a friendly local family we met to dinner at their place, and decide to go to a liquor store to buy two bottles of Portugal’s excellent wine, so we won’t show up empty-handed. After having chosen the two bottles, we get to the register, and I place the bottles on the conveyor belt.)

Cashier: “Hello. Your total is $90.”

Me: *in Portuguese* “[Brother], the wallet is in my backpack; take it out and give the cashier a 100, please.”

(He does so, and hands the cashier the money.)

Cashier: *pointing at my brother* “I need to see his ID; he looks under 21.”

Me: “He is; he’s 20. I, however, am 23.”

Cashier: “It doesn’t matter; he gave me the money and he is under 21.” *hands the money back to him*

(I can already see my brother rolling his eyes, as we’ve never had these issues in any other country as long as one of us is legal. I turn to him.)

Me: *in Portuguese* “[Brother], it’s okay. Just give me the money and I’ll pay.”

(He hands me the money, and I try to give the cashier the money, which she doesn’t accept.)

Cashier: “He gave you the money. You are buying for him. I can’t sell to you.”

(I’m slowly getting annoyed. Instead of arguing, I just ask for a manager, hoping he’ll be willing to sell it to me. He arrives and I explain what’s going on.)

Manager: “If you hand over the money, you can buy the bottles; that’s okay. I need to see your ID, though; you also look under 21.”

(I give the manager my passport.)

Manager: “This doesn’t seem to be a state-approved ID. I cannot accept it.”

Me: “No idea what state-approved IDs are; it’s a Portuguese passport.”

Manager: “I’m afraid we can’t sell you the wine if you can’t provide an ID.”

(We both just look at them for a few seconds, then look at each other and decide it isn’t worth discussing.)

Me: “All right, just hand me back my passport. We’ll buy it somewhere else.”

(I got my passport back, and we went into the next liquor store we could find. They were happy to sell us the wine.)

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Just Say Hanukkah Matata And Move On

, , , , | Right | July 19, 2018

(This story takes place about a month before Christmas. We don’t order product for the store. It is a large chain, and the company determines what we do and don’t sell. I am just a sales associate at the time. Also, everything in the store is cheaper than $5.)

Customer: *walks up to me on the sales floor* “Do you sell anything for Hanukkah?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry we never got anything like that in.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

(I explain to her the product situation and she gets angry.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous. How am I supposed to celebrate without [specific products]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s nothing I can do. You can try another store, but it may be a bit more expensive.”

Customer: “This is insane. I want [specific products] and I don’t want to pay a lot for them.”

Me: “Ma’am, again I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do.”

Customer: “Well, a complaint needs to be made.”

Me: “I understand. If you would like to contact our corporate office–“

Customer: *cuts me off* “You want me to complain? That’s your job; you’re the one that doesn’t have what I need.”

Me: “You want me to complain?”

Customer: *now yelling* “Yes, you don’t have what I need and it’s your job to make sure that I get it. Take care of it now.”

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

(I turned around and walked away only to hear her complain to another associate.)

What A Basket-Case

, , , , | Right | July 18, 2018

(I work at a deli in a grocery store. Sometimes customers place their baskets on top of the high counter, which is against health codes because we stack them on the floor when they’re not being used, and also because it blocks other customers from receiving their cold cuts and blocks us from seeing the customers. This day in particular is very busy. A customer comes up to the counter and orders while placing his basket on the counter.)

Me: “Sir, could you please take the basket off the counter?”

Customer: “Well, where do you want me to put it if I do?”

Me: “You could put it on the ground or hold it. We don’t allow them on the counter because the bottom can be dirty and it blocks our view of the customers.”

Customer: “I don’t want it on the ground! The ground is filthy, and I have food in my basket!”

Me: “Then you can most certainly hold the basket while you order.”

Customer: “Listen, little girl, I’m not putting my basket on the floor, and I don’t want to hold it, so just give it a f****** rest, b****.”

Me: *smiling* “Well, then, sir, I’m going to have to stop slicing your order until you take the basket off the counter.”

Customer: “All right, you little s***, let me speak to your manager!”

(As he asks for my manager, there is a loud crash and we look over and see that his basket has fallen off the counter and all of the contents are covered with milk and tomato sauce.)

Manager: *from the other end of the deli* “THAT’S ALSO WHY WE DON’T ALLOW BASKETS ON TOP OF THE DELI COUNTER!”

(The customer, red faced and cursing, walked away from the scene, while the other customers clapped and booed him since they had been waiting so long while he fought with me!)

Hard As Snails

, , , , | Friendly | July 17, 2018

(I am in a pottery class at my summer camp. A young boy, probably about four, is making clay snails. The counselor teaching the class is talking to him about them.)

Counselor: “Where are its kids?”

Boy: “It is a kid!”

Counselor: “Where are its parents?”

Boy: “They died!”

(Everyone else in the room stares in silence.)

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