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That’s… Not What The Great Resignation Is

, , , , | Right | May 28, 2022

I run into a store to grab a few items. I am wearing a Harley Quinn T-shirt and leggings. A random guy says something, but I’m not paying too much attention as I am grabbing a basket.

Guy: “Do you work here?”

Me: “No. I don’t.”

Guy: “DOES ANYBODY WORK ANYMORE?!”

Me: *Internally* “Well, I do, just not here. And I’m glad I don’t because I wouldn’t want to deal with you!”

The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem. Then, Ice Packs.

, , , , | Right Working | May 27, 2022

I work at the concession stand at a movie theater. We have a giant push-cart that we use to bring stock from our supply rooms to the stand. I’ve parked it next to the concession stand. I’ve just finished unloading about ten bags of popcorn kernels and several thirty-five-pound boxes of popping oil. I’m on a medication that gives me frequent urination as a side effect, and it suddenly hits and I have to pee like crazy, so I decide to run to the bathroom before taking the cart back to the supply room. Probably not a good idea, but if you gotta go… you gotta go.

I come out of the bathroom to see a customer — a man in his forties in a business suit — walking through the lobby, staring at his phone. I watch in horror as he walks around the side of the concession stand, hits his shin on the push-cart, and does what I can only describe as a “slow-motion fall.” He sort of crumples to his knees, then his butt, then… kind of flops down onto his back on top of the cart while muttering a surprised, “WWWUUUAAA!”

I rush over to him, assuming the worst. I’ve seen a few falls in the ten years I’ve worked here — almost none of which were actually our fault — and most of the people exploded and threatened lawsuits, demanded free stuff, etc.

Me: “Are you all right, sir?”

Customer: “Um… yeah, I think.”

Me: “All right. Hang tight. Let me get my boss, and she can contact an ambulance if needed.”

Customer: “No. No. Please don’t do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I’m gonna be honest. I’d just rather… pretend this didn’t happen. This is the third time I’ve fallen this week because I was distracted by my cellphone. I really don’t want anyone seeing the security footage. I don’t think my pride could take it.”

Me: *Amused* “Are you sure?”

Customer: “Yes.”

He very calmly stood up, brushed himself off, dug out his wallet, placed a $5 in my hand, made a “Shhh!” gesture, and wandered away.

Never Listens, Problem Solved Anyway

, , , , , | Right | May 26, 2022

I’m having a coffee in a mostly empty ice cream shop when I need to use the restroom. A woman is leaning against the wall next to the restroom door, doing something on her phone. I don’t want to try the door in case she was waiting for it, so I approach her.

Me: “Excuse me, but are you in line for the restroom?”

Woman: “I don’t work here.”

Me: *Genuinely confused* “I didn’t ask if you worked here. I’m asking if you’re wai—”

Woman: “I SAID I DON’T WORK HERE!”

With that, she stormed off, so I tried the restroom door. It was vacant.

Falling Into More Data Than You Know What To Do With

, , , , | Working | May 25, 2022

I used to be responsible for creating and distributing my company’s annual tactical and strategic plan every autumn. This looked out five years and described how much manufacturing would occur and how much product would be shipped out in detail. The results were sent out to departments — mainly two — that would use this data to create plans for their own areas. The results consisted of a few dozen three-dimensional data matrices and two three-inch-thick loose-leaf notebooks full of computer printouts.

Occasionally, other groups might require some of this data. They would tell me what selective information they needed, and I would readily provide it.

On rare occasions, I would get a call from someone I did not know. Now, while my job involved my disbursing this data (and I would gladly give the information asked for), I would not give it out without knowing who they are and what the data would be used for. I could always tell when someone was clueless about the data and what to do with it.

Caller: “Hello, I would like the Fall Plan.”

Me: “You would like the Fall Plan?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, did you want the manufacturing plan or the shipment plan?”

Caller: “Ummmmmm…”

Me: “Did you want both three-inch binders of printouts?”

Caller: *Pauses* “I’ll call you back.”

They never did.

Since they had no idea what they were asking for, my guess was they just wanted some prestige — “I have the plan!” If they really had a need, they would have called back asking for the exact information they required.

I never asked if they wanted the three-dimensional matrices. I figured the sound of their heads exploding would have hurt my ears.

Enjoy Your Really, Really Long Vacation

, , , , , , , | Working | May 24, 2022

My company hires from all over the world and requires travel almost constantly. We also offer “home time off,” which is exactly how it sounds; it is in our hiring contract that we can take a four-day weekend every other month to go home to see our families.

I receive a job assignment in a different country, so my contract states that I get a full week off to accommodate the longer travel time. I get tired of going back and forth, so I ask my supervisor if I have to go home during this time off or if I can use it to tour US attractions like Disney or just relax and rest for the week. He agrees that the time off is my own and if that’s what I want to do, I just have to arrange the appropriate travel.

For my next home time off, I decide to take a five-day cruise with my husband. Upon return, I have a slew of emails, voicemails, and texts from [Coworker], who is from the USA. I go through them all and I am just floored. [Coworker] heard (though he didn’t say how) that I was not using my home time to go home, and he threatened to report me to Human Resources for abusing my privilege.

When I return to work the next day, he is sitting at my desk.

Me: “Good morning, [Coworker].”

Coworker: “How was your trip home?”

Me: “Oh, we—”

Coworker: “Or should I say, ‘How does it feel to steal from [Company]?’”

Me: “I didn’t steal anything. I—”

Coworker: “It is in our contract that we have to go home for that time off, not go globetrotting.”

Me: “Not my contract. Please move. I have work to do.”

Coworker: “You might as well write your resignation letter. Once HR finds out what you did, they’ll send you right back to your dirty, third-world country you didn’t want to go to in the first place.”

Me: “Okay, then. You go do that. Just get out of my space. Please and thank you, goodbye!”

[Coworker] did go to HR to complain that I hadn’t gone home. When questioned about why it mattered to him, he said that he had tried to extend his home time off to go to Australia for two weeks and it was denied. By his logic, my request should have been denied, too.

After that, I put in a complaint with HR, showing all the texts, emails, and voicemails from [Coworker] when he knew I was on vacation, as well as his insult to my home country. He was suspended for a performance review and quit before they could finish.