Caller: “I can’t access [Cable Channel]!”

Me: “Okay, let me assess your problem. When was the last time you tried to access [Channel]?”

Caller: “It was last night.”

Me: “All right, was there any out-of-the-ordinary weather last night? Say, like a storm?”

Caller: “Yeah, there was a thunderstorm. I had nothing to do, so I was trying to watch [Channel], but it wouldn’t let me! It was all fuzzy on the screen.”

Me: “Sir, I think the thunderstorm interfered with your television power lines, which is why you couldn’t access your channel.”

Caller: “But I thought your cable company was supposed to make me able to watch any channel in any weather! That’s the whole reason I switched!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, nothing can prevent Mother Nature. When she strikes, we cannot do anything to bring back channels that may have been lost momentarily.”

Caller: “Who’s ‘Mother Nature’? Is she the one sabotaging my TV?!”

This story is part of our Customers Versus Mother Nature roundup!

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(We have booths at which we can only seat groups of three or more. There is a couple with their young child sitting in one. A couple comes in and I go to seat them.)

Me: “Hi, are you here to eat, or are you just having some drinks?”

Customer: “Eating. Can we take a booth?”

Me: “Sorry, but we need to save them for groups of three or more.”

Customer: “What about them?” *motions at the couple with their child*

Me: “They have three people sitting there.”

Customer: “What? Babies aren’t people!”

(The customer is worried that her Internet account is being hacked because she doesn’t have the proper login to see her billing information.)

Caller: “You need to help me!”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “My account is being hacked!”

Me: “How do you know that you’re being hacked?”

Caller: “I can’t see my billing information.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. You may not have the administrative logins. Let me get them for you.”

(I pull up the woman’s account.)

Me: “Your username is [username] and your password is [password]. Please try to log in and let me know if you can see your billing information.”

Caller: “You’re the hacker!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

Caller: “How could you know my information if you aren’t the hacker?! That is my private information that only I can have access to and you can see it!”

Me: “I’m sorry that you feel that way, but I am not a hacker. I am here to help you.”

Caller: “I will report you to the FBI! Now I need to change my password. How do I do that?”

Me: “Would you like me to do that for you?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Related:
Some Computer Owners Just Can’t Hack It

This story is part of our customer conspiracy theorists roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

22 Times Religious Customers Went Biblical In The Store

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(A customer is trying on a black and white top by a well-known designer and it fits her very well. Her daughter is with her.)

Customer: “I just wish this wasn’t black and white. I want something brighter.”

Me: “Well, we do have a dress by the same designer which has the same silhouette in pink. I think it would look good with your complexion and hair color.”

Customer: “No, thanks. My daughter doesn’t think I look good in pink so I’m going to have to listen to her on this.”

(The customer’s five-year-old daughter solemnly nodded with approval.)

This story is part of the Adorable Kids roundup!

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(I am shelving a couple of books. I have two books in my hands, each going in different sections.)

Customer: *pointing* “Oh, that book goes over here and that book goes over there.”

Me: “But–”

Customer: “The book goes right here.”

Me: “Yes, I–”

Customer: *takes book from me* “The book goes in this spot here.”

Me: “I know.”

Customer: “I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job. I’m just trying to be helpful!”

Me: “Thank you?”

This story is part of our Libraries Roundup!

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