(My mom, dad, brother, and I are grilling for Memorial Day after spending the afternoon relaxing. This is my first nice dinner with them since getting home from college. I have been a Harry Potter fan for over a decade.)

Mom: “I was asleep for a while, but then I snored and woke myself up!”

Me: “You always do that!”

Dad: “Well, it’s really a snarfle. She could stay asleep if she snored; it’s the snarfles that get her.

Me: “Ugh, those snarfles. They’re probably related to the nargles. Nargles are nasty. They buzz around your head and get into your ears and—”

(My brother is staring.)

Me: “What? Don’t you read The Quibbler?”

Brother: “You just ruined the whole thing! It was just fine without the Harry Potter reference!”

(I throw my hands in the air.)

Me: “Thank you! At least you knew it was Harry Potter!”

Brother: “How could I not? I had to live with hearing every last tidbit about it for years!”

Me: “I suspect nargles.”

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(My sister and I are big Broadway fans. My dad decides to surprise us by getting the family tickets to see “Avenue Q.”)

Me: “Four tickets for…” *gasps* “Avenue Q!”

Dad: “Yup!”

Me: “AAAGH, OH, MY GOD, YES! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”

(I start flailing happily. My sister comes running down the stairs.)

Sister: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “AVENUE Q TICKETS!”

Sister: “SHUT UP!”

Me: “YES!”

Sister: “OH, MY GOD!”

Aunt: “What’s Avenue Q?”

Dad: “Oh, no…”

Me: “YOU’RE JOKING!”

(My aunt has a sudden look of fear.)

Me: “IT’S LIKE SESAME STREET—”

Sister: “FOR ADULTS—”

Me: “AND THEY TALK ABOUT ADULT STUFF—”

Sister: “LIKE SEX—”

Me: “AND GAY PEOPLE—”

Sister: “AND LOSING JOBS—”

Me: “AND GARY COLEMAN—”

(My sister and I continue shouting broken sentences at my aunt as she shrinks down in fear.)

Me: “DOESN’T IT SOUND AMAZING?!”

Aunt: “You know what… never mind. I’ll just look it up myself.”

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(I work in a Cyber Cafe, where the workers are allowed to use their laptops when they are on break. I am notorious around the store with both the customers and my coworkers, because I prefer to use a Mac rather than another type of computer. One customer comes in holding her Mac laptop and a USB.)

Customer: “Hey, you’re good with Macs, right?”

Me: “I like to think so, why?”

Customer: “I just recently got a Mac, and I’m transferring data over with a USB drive. This one doesn’t appear to be working.”

Me: “How so?”

Customer: “I plugged in this USB into the laptop, but it doesn’t recognize it.”

Me: “That seems odd; let me try another USB.”

(I try a spare USB lying around the workplace.)

Me: “This one works fine; let me see your USB for a moment.”

(The customer hands me her USB.)

Customer: “It’s probably the stupid laptop. Now I see why everyone hates Macs. It’s a stupid brand of computer, for stupid people.”

(The customer glares at me. I ignore it and flip over the USB, reading the bottom.)

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “This isn’t a USB.”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “It’s a Bluetooth transceiver.”

(The customer freezes, snatches the transceiver, and runs out of the cafe with her laptop.)

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(I’m a substitute teacher, and as long as the students get their work done, I’m pretty laid back. I also use some pop culture references to get a laugh out of students when I’m in a new class.)

Me: “If you want to work in pairs, that’s fine, as long as you’re working diligently. Just keep the noise level conversational and don’t go wandering around the classroom. So, if you’re sitting up front and your friend is all the way in the back in Narnia, you can’t go visit them.”

Student: “I wanna go to Narnia!”

Me: “Well, there’s no wardrobe in here. Sorry.”

Student: “There’s a closet!”

Me: “It’s not the same as a wardrobe.”

Student: “I’m gonna try!” *gets up and runs to the closet*

Me: “Excuse me! Take a seat right now!”

Student: *opens closet and steps inside* “Oh, my God!”

Me: “Please sit down or you’re going to the disciplinary office.”

Student: “There really is a Narnia in here!”

(By this point, I’d made it to the closet on the other side of the classroom. To my surprise, there was a fake Christmas tree, complete with fake snow, inside of the closet. I guess closets can get you to Narnia!)

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(A lot of the people around my area haven’t been coming to our local guitar store, due to the competition of a well-known chain store having been built about two years earlier. A young teen customer comes into the store. The only other people here are the owner, and a customer who has been a regular for quite some time.)

Me: “Hello! How may I help you today?”

(The teen customer is obviously quite shy, perhaps shopping alone for the first time.)

Teen Customer: “Uh… I was looking for a specific model? It’s a Squier, if I remember…”

(Before I can ask the teen customer which model he wants, the regular scoffs.)

Regular Customer: “Really, kid? You broke or something? Can you not afford a real instrument? How sad that these kids can only get the cheap stuff.”

(The teen customer obviously takes this to heart. He frowns and turns to leave the store. Before he leaves, the owner of the shop places his hand on his shoulder. He then glares at the regular.)

Owner: “Wow, really, [Regular Customer]? That’s how you’re going to treat one of my customers? Listen, I know you’ve been coming here for over 20 years now, but the day I let you speak to anyone who steps into this store the way you just did, is the day hell freezes over! So what if he wants one of the cheaper models? We’ve all got to start somewhere; let the kid choose what he wants! Being a regular does not make you king of my store!”

Regular Customer: “What are you going to do about it, kick me out? Like you’d ever do that!”

(Without even a moment of hesitation, my boss walks over to the regular and escorts him out. The teen customer looks over at me, his jaw drops.)

Teen Customer: “Did that really just happen?”

Me: “I have no idea, little dude.”

(About a minute later, the owner strolls back in casually, and smiles at the teen customer.)

Owner: “Now, what can I get for ya’, kiddo?”

(The teen customer’s face lights up as he excitedly informs us of the exact model he wants. He tells us that he has saved up all the money that he’s gotten for doing chores around the house for over a year, just to buy the guitar. My boss throws in some strings and picks for the kid too! I love this job, and my boss!)