Urine A (ClO)t Of Trouble

, , , , , , | Working | November 30, 2018

As a young assistant, I had many jobs within a recording studio. One was cleaning the bathroom. Our bathroom was in the back of the studio, down the stairs in the dingy basement.

One morning I arrived to the screaming of the mixer, demanding I go downstairs and scrub the bathroom. Good assistant that I am, I ran to the store and bought every cleaning supply that I could carry, and proceeded to clean the bathroom: Comet in the sinks, Pine Sol on the floors, bleach in the toilet.

I was scrubbing and rinsing and mopping, and I heard through the studio speakers that I was needed in the control room. I left the half-finished job to align a tape machine, and then I was requested to do a messenger run.  

It was about midday by then and I returned to the office. Everyone was looking at me like I was a dead man walking. Finally, someone got enough nerve to tell me that the mixer was looking for me and that they’d never heard him this angry. I ran to the studio, and as I walked in, he was standing in front of the console crying, and screamed, “IF I COULD RUN, I WOULD KILL YOU WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS!”

Well, I had never finished cleaning the bathroom. This engineer decided to take a toilet break, sat on the toilet, and opened his newspaper. As he urinated, smoke started rising from inside the toilet and through his legs. I never flushed the bleach in the toilet; ammonia and bleach create chlorine gas, which burned his skin from the top of his bum to just above the back of his knees. He couldn’t sit for two weeks, which is tough for a recording engineer.

I somehow held onto my job. I guess the chief engineer thought it was funny.

The Mother Of All Awkward Photo Shoots

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 29, 2018

(Due to circumstances, I end up as the photographer on the day two of my best friends get married. Since I have some experience with photography and they have an excellent camera, the photographs turn out pretty well. We are in the middle of a short shoot when suddenly the groom’s mother seizes the opportunity and gets me to take some photos of her during the end of it, quickly and smoothly. Afterwards, my two friends and I huddle around the camera to see how it all turned out.)

Groom: “So, how did it go?”

Me: “This isn’t something a guy should normally say to his friends, but I got some nice photos of your mom.”

Unfiltered Story #127678

, , | Unfiltered | November 27, 2018

Me: “Okay, so the parking charge is…”

Guest: “What! Can’t you waive that for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry but I can’t.”

Guest: “Why not?!?”

Me: “Because it’s policy.”

Guest: “But I’m the President of the United States.”

Me: “Really? I didn’t know Obama was white.”

(They paid.)

Here’s An Idea: Pay For Your Goods!

, , , | Right | November 27, 2018

(Our gas station has a deal with the pizza shop next door that their delivery drivers may pump their gas, then come in and pay, rather than paying at the pump or coming in to pre-pay. Sometimes drivers will wait until they have some cash tips to come in and pay, which is fine with us as long as they pay before the end of the night. About an hour before close one night, one of the delivery drivers fills up, then leaves on his delivery.)

Coworker: “Hey, what’s this gas on pump one?”

Me: That’s [Driver]. I’m sure he’ll be back to pay after he makes his delivery.”

(Fifteen minutes pass and our register starts chiming the “drive off alert” bell. This bell then proceeds to go off every five minutes after that.)

Me: *half an hour after the driver has pumped his gas* “I’m going to call [Pizza Shop] and ask if [Driver] forgot he pumped his gas… That bell is driving me nuts!

(I call the pizza shop and ask for the manager.)

Manager: “How can I help you?”

Me: “This is [My Name] at [Gas Station]. [Driver] got gas earlier and hasn’t come in to pay yet; can you send him over?”

Manager: “He’s on a delivery, but I’ll send him over as soon as he gets back. Sorry about that.”

Me: “No worries. I just want to get it cleared before closing. Thank you.”

(Another twenty minutes pass. It is now ten minutes from closing, and my coworker and I have gone from laughing about “the madness of the bells” to being actually angry at the driver for taking so long to pay. He finally stomps in.)

Driver: “HERE!” *slams money down on counter* “And I hope you’re happy that I’m going to be late getting out tonight because I had to stop what I was doing and come over here!” *stomps back outside*

Ridiculous Regulars

, , , , , | Working | November 25, 2018

(I work at a donut and coffee place. There is one customer who always demands two turbo shots — espresso shots — but is only charged for one at $0.99 each. She has a very specific request on how to make her iced coffee correctly. She pulls up into our drive-thru.)

Customer: “Large iced caramel coffee with a large turbo shot.”

Me: “Okay, your total is $5.13.”

Customer: “Excuse me. That is not what I ordered.”

Me: “I apologize.”

(I recite her order back with same total.)

Customer: “That price isn’t right. I am a regular; where is the manager?”

Me: “I apologize, but the manager has left for the day.”

(By this time my coworker is telling me she is a regular and always gets said order. The customer pulls up, fuming. I open the drive-thru window and I am met with cursing and ranting about how I am doing my job incorrectly. I apologize and make her coffee.)

Customer: “That is not how I want it.”

Me: “This is the way we are taught to make an iced coffee.”

Customer: “I don’t get ice first; it’s the large turbo shot that is first. You aren’t giving me a large.”

Me: “Ma’am, again, I apologize, but I cannot put a hot beverage in a plastic cup, and I could be burned. You only wanted to pay for one of the turbo shots. I cannot give you a large without you paying for it, as I will lose my job.”

Customer: “Where the f*** is [Coworker]?”

Me: “She is currently with a customer at the front counter, if you would like to come in.”


Me: “Again, I apologize. Please do not yell at me. [Coworker] is busy, and I also have other customers waiting in line.”


Coworker: “She is our regular, and the manager gives her what she asks for.”

Me: “Why? She still has to pay for what she wants. We can actually lose our jobs for incorrectly or not charging someone.”

(Weeks go by and I avoid this regular like the plague.)

Manager: “Hey, so we had a complaint from one of our regular customers that you did not serve them what they wanted. She also has your work schedule.”

Me: “Excuse me. She has what now? She also should be charged for her large turbo shot like everyone else.”

Manager: “Well, [Coworker] says you wouldn’t give it to her. She also is the one taking photos of your schedule and giving them to the customer.”

Me: “That is illegal. She is not an employee or management and should not have that information. It is clearly a safety issue.”

(I actually got suspended for saying how wrong it was because I did not give this regular something she did not pay for. I was told I was wrong for feeling unsafe with some stranger I didn’t know having my schedule. This happened a year ago and I am still speaking with a lawyer about how this company did nothing for their employees and their safety.)

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