When We Say Tonight We Meant “A” Night

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2021

It’s our first time in the US, and my fiancé and I, both Swedish, see that they are selling tickets for the Tonight Show. We happily approach the ticket booth.

Me: “Two tickets for tomorrow, please.”

The ticket booth lady just stares at me.

Me: “Or are you sold out? It says on your screen that you are selling tickets for [Show].”

Ticket Booth Lady: “In May. The show is in May.”

Me: “2019-12-05, that’s December. Oh! Right, you guys write it in the wrong way!”

The look I got from the lady was NOT a kind one.

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I Pledge Allegiance To Tea And Scones

, , , , , | Learning | April 29, 2021

I was a teenage boy attending high school in the USA. Every morning, the whole class would stand up and, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, recite the pledge of allegiance. I did not join in.

As time went by, the homeroom teacher noticed my lack of standing and pledging, and she got angrier and angrier, until one day, she flipped out.

She grabbed me by my shirt and dragged me through the halls of the school, red-faced and screaming almost incoherently about the pledge, the flag, patriotism, and so on and so forth. She dragged me through the office, past a surprised-looking receptionist, and thrust me through a closed door and almost onto my bum in front of the principal, still screeching away at the top of her lungs.

When he could finally get a word in edgeways, the principal said;

Principal: “Why do you refuse to recite the pledge, young man?”

Me: “Well, I’m English. Why would I?”

I thought the teacher was going to burst a blood vessel in her brain when he calmly accepted my explanation. I ended up changing homerooms the next week. Can’t imagine why.


This story is part of our Best Of April 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of April 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of April 2021 roundup!

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Munchies Versus Upselling

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2021

The biggest thing we as employees have to do is upsell. Two guys come in, clearly stoned, and I can smell pot coming from them as soon as they walk in.

They look at the menu board and talk to each other for about five minutes before coming up to me.

Customer #1: “Can we get a small popcorn?”

Me: “Okay, one small popcorn. Just so you know, you can upgrade to a large for two dollars more and you get free refills on it.”

The two guys look at me for a few seconds and then at each other. 

Customer #2: “We’ll take two larges.”

My manager, who heard the whole thing, comes over to me with his jaw dropped.

Manager: “How the h*** did you do that?!”

That was how I ended up training all new employees on how to upsell!

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At Least He Ended Up On His Good Side!

, , , , , | Legal | April 27, 2021

This happened to my grandfather when he was seventeen. He had worked at a job in an amusement park for a while, and eventually, he got promoted to the ticket booth. While he was being trained, his trainer took him to the side and pointed out a man. He told him that if the man, who was extremely muscular and absolutely huge, were to come up to the booth and demand all the money, he should give it to him.

Fast forward to later in the summer. My grandfather was working on closing the booth at night when four fairly large teens came up and asked for tickets. My grandfather said no and they promised to beat him up.

Sure enough, when my grandfather was leaving, the four guys were waiting for him in the parking lot. My grandfather, who weighed in at under 100 pounds and was a skinny, scared teen at the time, prepared to fight when the four guys ran away. My grandpa, feeling pretty good about himself, turned to see the huge man standing there, protecting him!

Fast forward once more to many years later. My grandfather was sitting and reading the paper when he saw a familiar face on the front page. The man who protected him was actually a hitman for the mafia and had pistol-whipped an old woman because her husband had owed the mafia money! And that’s the story of how my grandfather was unwittingly protected by the mafia.

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A Social Responsibility To Social Distancing

, , , , , | Right | April 19, 2021

We’re only allowed to sell our theaters to 25% capacity for social distance reasons. Once 25% is reached for a showtime, ticket sales are locked off in theater and online and no more tickets can be purchased for that showtime. Most people are very understanding since it’s the current law and the matter is entirely out of our hands. The phone rings.

Me: “You’ve reached [Theater]. This is [My Name] speaking; how may I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t buy tickets to the 7:30 Tom & Jerry! I’ve tried your website and [Theater Franchise Site] and neither of them is working! It keeps saying the theater is sold out even though I see there are still seats available on the seating chart!”

Me: “I’m sorry. If I had to guess, it’s probably because we’ve already reached 25% capacity for that showtime. That’s been a popular movie with families the past week.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “According to current state mandates, we’re only allowed to sell our theaters to 25% capacity due to the health crisis.”

Customer: *Confused* “But what does that mean?”

Me: “Once our movies hit 25% capacity, ticket sales are locked off and we’re not allowed to sell any more tickets. It’s a way to encourage social distancing.”

Customer: *Long pause* “Well, I don’t know about all that. That sounds fishy to me. But I see there’s plenty of seats available, so I should be able to buy tickets.”

Me: “Hmm… let me check that for you.”

I place the customer on hold and run over to a box office register. I check the seating chart and see that my suspicion was accurate. Our theaters have about 100 seats each, and twenty-five tickets have been sold for the showtime, so the system has locked off ticket sales. I go back to the phone.

Me: “I checked, and it looks like we’ve sold 25% for the 7:30 Tom & Jerry. So, unfortunately, we’re not able to sell any more tickets for that showtime.”

Customer: “But there are still seats left online! It just won’t let me buy them.”

Me: “I understand, sir. But due to current guidelines, we’re only allowed to sell our theaters to 25% capacity.”

Customer: “But that doesn’t mean anything to me. Why can’t I buy tickets?”

Me: “Because it’s currently the law that we can only sell to 25% capacity.”

Customer: “But I don’t think I buy that. That just sounds too fishy to me!”

Me: “Um… well, I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”

Customer: “I don’t know that I believe you.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I guess?”

Customer: “Fine. Let’s say you’re telling the truth… How can I know you’ve actually sold 25%? I see the seats that are sold online, and I don’t buy that you’ve sold 25% because there are so many seats still available!”

Me: “Well, you can count the total number of seats and divide it by four, and that’ll give you 25%… and you’ll see that we’ve already sold 25%.”

Customer: “Yeah… I don’t buy it.”

Me: “You… don’t buy math?”

Customer: “Nope, I don’t believe you! There’re so many seats available, and I don’t think you’ve sold 25% yet! And I also don’t believe that you’re only allowed to sell 25%, either. It just sounds fishy to me. I don’t buy it. I think there’s just something wrong with the websites and you just won’t admit it.”

Me: “Well, sir, there’s nothing else I can do. My hands are unfortunately tied.”

Customer: “Can I come in and buy tickets?”

Me: “You’re certainly welcome to try, but you won’t be able to buy tickets for that showtime, as it’s already hit 25% capacity.”

Customer: “I don’t buy it! I’ll be there in an hour. I’ll show you that there are still seats available!”

The customer hung up. Unfortunately, I was on my lunch break when he came in, but I was told that he stood there arguing for a good five minutes because he “didn’t buy” that we couldn’t sell more tickets. I swear, I’ll die a happy man if I never hear the phrases “I don’t buy it” or “sounds fishy to me” ever again.

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