(I’m at a popular fast food place ordering a fudge ice cream sundae. My ice cream arrives with almost no fudge on it.)
Me: “Excuse me, could I please get some more fudge?”
Employee: “I’m not the master of fudge!”
(I didn’t get my fudge, but I did get a good story!)
(I’m TAing a freshman physics class. The professor is brand new, and since he’s still learning his way around a classroom, I’ve been asked to write up my thoughts on his teaching. We’re coming up to the end of the semester, and he’s had a rocky year, but has improved a lot this semester.)
Professor: “Now, does anyone have any questions?”
Student #1: “Yeah, uh… can I ask a question that’s not related to the class?”
Professor: “I suppose so.”
Student #1: “You worked for the government before you came here, right?”
Professor: “Yes, I did. I worked for the Air Force, and for National Institutes of Health, and then–”
Student #1: “But what did you DO?”
Professor: *quiet for a second* “I’m afraid I can’t answer that.”
Class: *intrigued murmurs*
Professor: “Look, I decided to teach so I could get away from some aspects of –”
Student #2: “CAN YOU TEACH US ABOUT NUCLEAR BOMBS?”
Professor: “Uh…”
Student #2: “CAN YOU TEACH US ABOUT NUCLEAR BOMBS IF WE DO GOOD ON THE FINAL?”
Professor: “Fine.”
(The last day of class is supposed to be a debrief of the final exam and question-and-answer time. However, when it arrives…)
Professor: *showing a slide that says ‘TOPIC ONE: FINAL EXAM SCORES’* “I’m sure all of you are excited to find out how you did on the exam. The median was a 94. The highest was 100, and the lowest, I’m very happy to say, was an 89. I’m very pleased with these results.”
(He advances to the next slide: ‘TOPIC TWO: HISTORY, DESIGN, AND THEORY OF ATOMIC WEAPONRY,’ and the class cheers wildly.)
Professor: “As [Student #2] would say: you did good.”
(After the class ends, the TAs are helping him pack up the classroom. When the last of the students have left…)
Professor: “If any of them Google my name, they’re going to work out that I spent my life improving the design of safety railings. How long do you think I can keep up the mysterious government agent act?”
(We all scored him well.
(I work at an airport in New York City. A customer approaches, looking confused after looking over the arriving flights monitor.)
Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”
Me: “Yes?”
Customer: “What’s the difference between ‘Landing’ and ‘Landed’?”
(I’m on the phone with a major airline trying to pay for my son’s infant-in-arms ticket. The website let me add his ticket but not pay for it and I know from prior experience that I need to brave customer service and call in. Then, after a lot of holding and back and forth… this happens:)
Representative: “Okay, so there are two fare options on that ticket: $87, which is non-refundable and can’t be changed or $99, which can be changed with the applicable change fee and is our recommended ticket.”
Me: “That’s not bad. How much is the change fee on this kind of ticket?”
Representative: “$200.”
Me: “…I’ll do the $87 ticket.”
Representative: “But it can’t be changed. You’ll lose the full amount if you change plans. If you get the $99 ticket, you can change the ticket and just pay the change fee.”
Me: “Which is $200, yes?”
Representative: “Yes, ma’am.”
(Silently banging my head against the wall and fearing for humanity…)
Me: “I’ll take the $87 ticket.”
(I am a kid. Our neighbors tell us about a nice dinner cruise they took on New Year’s and we all decide to go together. We get to the boat.)
Neighbor: “Hello, we’re here for the dinner cruise.”
Worker: *eyes the kids* “Umm, this is an adult cruise.”
Neighbor: *smiling* “What? We did this cruise during New Year’s.”
Worker: *clears throat* “Umm, yeah, we only do the kid-friendly cruises during the holidays.”
Neighbor: “How is the cruise not kid-friendly?”
Worker: “Umm…”
(At that moment, I look through the window of the boat and see a stripper pole. I tell my fellow neighbor’s children.)
Neighbor’s Child: *leans over to her mom and whispers in her ear*
Neighbor: *eyes go wide* “Oh!”
(We ended up going home and ordering pizza!)
