The Cup Is Definitely Half Empty

, , , | Right | March 2, 2010

(A woman and her twelve year-old son are buying hockey equipment.)

Me: “Okay, you’ll also need a cup and supporter for him.”

Customer: “How do I know what size he needs?”

Me: “The supporter is based on his waist size. Do you know his waist size?”

Customer: “Yes, but how do I know what size the cup should be for him?”

Me: “Well, you’d know better than me! I’d recommend the teen size.”

Customer: “No. If he’s anything like his father, he’ll need an extra-small.”

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Microbrain

, , , , | Right | March 2, 2010

Caller: “This f****** computer won’t work!”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Caller: “Whenever I click on something, this stupid little hourglass won’t go away!”

Me: “Are you sure it’s not frozen?”

Caller: “You think this is some kind of joke?! I don’t leave my computer in the snow!”

(I try to explain several times what the term ‘frozen’ means.)

Caller: “So, how do I heat it up? Never mind! Why do I even call you people? I’ll just stick it in the microwave to heat it up. Thanks for nothing!” *hangs up*

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Baby Name Decisions Should Not Be Left To Linger(ie)

, , , | Right | March 1, 2010

(A woman exits the dressing room with lingerie.)

Me: “So, what did you think?”

Customer: “I loved them, I’m taking them all. It’s my anniversary. My husband is going to love these.”

Me: “Good!”

Customer: “I’m gonna make a baby tonight!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “What’s you’re name, sweetie? I’ll name it after you!”

Me: “Um, can I ring those up for you?”

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No Wonder He’s Always Stuffed

, , , , | Right | February 11, 2010

(Seated at one of my tables is a grown woman. Placed across from her is a stuffed animal.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. Can I start you off with a drink?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a diet Coke.”

Me: “Okay, one diet–”

Customer: *gestures to stuffed animal* “…and he’ll have your house wine.”

Me: *laughs, playing along* “He doesn’t look over 21, ma’am.”

Customer: *completely serious* “Oh, you’re right. He’ll just have a lemonade, then.”

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A Real Oxymoron

, , , , , , | Right | February 1, 2010

(I’m putting a sale sign above a cooler containing shrimp when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Jumbo shrimp? That’s funny.”

Me: “Yeah it’s kind of an oxymoron, huh?”

Customer: “What the h*** did you just call me?”

Me: “An oxymoron is an English term, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t care if it’s a French term! Nobody insults me and gets away with it!”

(The customer suddenly grabbed me and put me into a tackle. He held me in it for a good 30 seconds before coworkers arrived to help!)

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