Going Overboard With The Engagement Ring

, , | Right | November 25, 2012

(I work on a tour boat in New York. Some friends are on my tour. My partner of 6 years asked me to marry him yesterday, so I am excitedly showing my friends my breathtaking new engagement ring. An elderly lady has been glaring at us while I talk to them.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, can I get anything for you?”

Lady: “Did you say you’re getting married?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am! I’m so excited!”

Lady: “You’re too young to get married!”

(Suddenly, the lady grabs my hand and rips my ring off my finger. Before anyone can do anything, she flings my ring overboard. I am in total shock while my friend screams at the lady.)

My Friend: “She’s 28!”

Lady: *suddenly all smiles* “Oh! That’s alright then. I’ll have a Coke. Thank you, dear!”

(I now have a new ring, but I never wear it to work.)

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There’s Something In Those Poppy Seeds

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2012

(My boss is known for being very strict, and demanding ‘good customer relations.’ He reprimands us if we say things that he thinks are ‘unprofessional,’ which has forced us to be very formal with everyone who comes into the shop. Today, he’s running late.)

Customer: “Can I get a toasted everything bagel, and–” *turns to [Daughter]* “What do you want?”

Daughter: *about eight years old* “Poppy seeds and cream cheese!”

Customer: “…and a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese.”

Co-worker: “Sure, here’s your poppy seed. Just give me a minute to toast the everything.”

Daughter: *after a few seconds* “Mommy…”

Customer: “We’re almost ready to go, dear, mommy just needs her bagel, too.”

Daughter: “Mommy… I  dropped my bagel and the cream cheese is dirty.”

Co-worker: “Don’t worry about it. Here’s a new one for free.”

Daughter: *very excited* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Customer: “Bagel bagel bagel bagel!”

Me: *handing the customer her bagel* “Here’s your BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Coworker: *joining in* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

(Suddenly, my boss walks in the door. My coworker, the customer, and I all shut up and look embarrassed. The daughter doesn’t stop.)

Daughter: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Boss: “When in Rome. BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

All three of us: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

(My boss is still serious, but whenever that customer comes in, he starts screaming ‘BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL’ over and over again!)

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Illogically Theological

, , , , , | Working | September 18, 2012

(My coworker and I are doing a child safety promotion in front of a supermarket on Easter weekend. The neighborhood happens to be predominantly Jewish, and 95% of the customers coming in are wearing yarmulkes or headscarves. The vast majority of the men also have the traditional peyot—the curled sideburns.)

Me: *to a customer* “Hi, did you want us to fingerprint your kids? It’s free, and it’s just for you to take home.”

Customer: “No thanks.”

Me: “Okay, have a great day!”

Coworker: “…and have a happy Easter!”

Customer: *gives my coworker a weird look and walks out*

Me: *to my coworker* “I don’t think they celebrate Easter.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

Me: “They’re Jewish.”

Coworker: “How can you tell?”

Me: “Did you see those hats the men wore? Those are Yarmulke. It’s part of the Jewish religion.”

Coworker: “Okay…”

(The next customer comes out, the scenario repeats, and again, my coworker says “Happy Easter” to someone in a Yarmulke.)

Me: “You know, if you keep doing that, you might offend someone.”

Coworker: “But who doesn’t love Jesus?!”

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Whoever Said Easter Isn’t Egg-citing Is Hopping Mad

, , , , , , | Right | August 27, 2012

(This happens around Easter. A man in an Easter Bunny suit comes riding a unicycle into the parking lot and enters the shop.)

Me: “Hey there, Easter Bunny!”

Easter Bunny: “Donuts? Sick! I’ll have three strawberry, three cherry, and three blueberry, glazed, and with frosting and sprinkles!”

Me: *hands him the bag* “Anything else?”

Easter Bunny: “Nah! Donuts! Sick!”

(The Easter Bunny suddenly SLAMMED his head on the counter, which would have been quite painful if not for the headpiece on his costume. An egg rolled out seemingly from nowhere and onto the counter. He walked out without another word, hopped onto his unicycle and rode off. The egg contained exact change—plus a labeled five dollar tip!)

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Ah, Grandmothers, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | August 7, 2012

(I am a customer in this story and am with my grandmother. The cashier is an older woman in her mid- to late-60s.)

Cashier: “Well, dear, I think we’ve finished the returns. So, we can start on your purchases.” *starts scanning items*

Me: “Thanks. It took me a while to find these bargains.”

Cashier: “Well, I can tell by your savings now that you’ve done pretty well!”

(Without warning, another customer pushes past me and my grandmother and starts trying to take my items.)

Cashier: *to the other customer* “Excuse me, ma’am. These do not belong to you. These belong to these ladies here.”

Customer: “RACISM! I knew this store was racist! Trying to take MY ITEMS and give them to this WHITE TRASH HERE!”

(Note: the other customer is also white. My poor grandmother is bewildered and doesn’t know what to say or do. The cashier is on the verge of tears and calls security.)

Me: “Excuse me, but those items are indeed mine. I spent almost two hours here with my grandmother trying to find them. If you want, I can tell you where I found them.”

Customer: “LIES! You stole them from me! B***h, you are gonna get SUED!”

(At this moment, security shows up.)

Security: *to the other customer* “Oh, no, she isn’t. Lady, we have to talk with you.”

Customer: “About time! Take this trailer trash outta the store! Stealing my things! It’s a crime. I’ll sue you and your store and this b**** for thievery!”

Security: “Lady, we have security cameras in the store. We checked them and discovered you have been the one stealing. So, you’re going to have to come with us.”

Customer: “LIKE H*** I AM!” *runs out of the store with security chasing her*

Cashier: *to my grandmother and me* “I am so sorry. Would you like store credit or something?”

(My grandmother and I talk and decide not to take it because it wasn’t the store’s fault. Instead, I pay for my items and we leave. On our way out, we see the other customer is being questioned by police.)

Grandmother: *to the other customer* “B****! You got what you deserved. Karma got you back, fool!”

 

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