(Like most people, I do not pick up my phone when an unfamiliar number rings unless I am expecting a call from a specific person or company. A number unknown to me rings and I ignore it. They leave a voicemail, which is unusual, so I listen to it thinking it may be important. The message goes as follows:)

Message: “You are receiving this call from our department because we have noticed suspicious activity on your social security number and we have suspended it until further notice. Press two to learn more.”

(No information on what “department,” I laughed and deleted it, knowing social security numbers don’t work that way. By far, the silliest scam call I’ve ever gotten.)

Related:
Social Insecurity, Part 7
Social Insecurity, Part 6
Social Insecurity, Part 5

(I’m at a gas station filling up my car when I hear the following exchange between two other customers.)

Customer #1: “Do you need something?”

Customer #2: “No.”

Customer #1: “Then why are you staring at me?”

Customer #2: “I can look at anything I want! If you don’t like it, call the cops!”

(I am with my parents in a cheap hotel. I am six and my parents are sleeping because of jet lag. I am still awake and decide to look under the bed. I find handcuffs! I decide to handcuff my parents together. When they wake up I am asleep in the next bed. Their panic wakes me up but I still look asleep. I know I am in trouble. I don’t remember what really happens, but they eventually get the handcuffs off and are about to talk to the hotel people.)

Me: “You got the handcuffs off!”

Parents: “…?”

Me: “…”

Parents: “What do you know about this?”

Me: “I found them under the bed.”

Parents: “You are lucky that those were just magic trick handcuffs so we got out of them easily!”

(It wasn’t until much later that I found out what those handcuffs were probably really used for despite the innocent manufacturer.)

(I work at a grocery store. I’m usually a cashier, but one day I am assigned outside, meaning I ask people if they would like help loading their groceries into their cars. I approach an elderly woman.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Customer: “I’m good; how about yourself?”

Me: “Good, thanks. Would you like help loading your items?”

(She has very heavy things in her cart.)

Customer: “Oh, my goodness, thank you so much. I appreciate the help!”

(After I finish loading and am about to leave, she stops me.)

Customer: “Here, take this!”

(It’s a two-dollar tip.)

Me: “Oh, no, I can’t accept this. This is my job!”

Customer: *shoves the money into my hand* “Well, you have to take it now because I’m going to jump in my car and drive away before you realize what happens. Goodbye, dear. Thank you!”

(She’s still the best customer I’ve had to this day.)

(I’m making keys next to an old-but-wise coworker. A short, middle-aged woman approaches me right in the middle of my key-cutting.)

Customer: “Excuse me…”

Me: *still making keys, hoping she’s talking to my coworker*

Customer: “Um, excuse me…”

Me: *turns to my right to see her, and smiles a bit, and silently motions toward the key machine and my coworker*

Customer: “Could you help me?”

(I shut off my machine, silently apologizing to the people whose keys I’m making. I don’t want key slivers in anyone’s mouths.)

Me: “Hi there.”

Customer: “I’m looking for caulking.”

Me: “Ah, it’s in aisle 82 on the left.” *turns the key machine back on and keeps grinding*

Customer: “Yes, thank you. I’m looking for the caulking, and I need to know which one to use for my windows.”

Me: *pauses, looking at her, and shuts off the machine again* “Yes, um, it’s in aisle 82, in the paint department. The guy behind the paint counter desk can help you.” *turns the key machine back on*

Customer: “Maybe he would know where it is?” *motions toward my coworker, who is quite swamped at the moment*

Me: *shuts off the key machine again* “Erm, no, he’s busy. Ask the guy behind the paint counter. He can definitely help you, and is quite experienced with caulking.” *turns the key machine on again*

Customer: “So, he would know?” *motions toward the same coworker to my right*

Me: “Paint counter guy.” *key machine still on*

Customer: *points toward my coworker, confused*

Me: *points in the opposite direction, toward the paint counter* “The guy behind the counter in that direction. The paint guy.”

Customer: “Maybe he’ll know?” *still talking about my poor swamped coworker*

Me: “No, m’dear, not him. He’s not the paint guy. He’s busy at the moment. Turn around, and walk into the middle of the store, and look to your left. You’ll see a guy behind the counter making paint.” *turns back to the keys, and silently wills an invisibility shield around myself*

Customer: *walking to my coworker* “Maybe you know. Where is the caulking, please?”

Coworker: *still helping a customer, ignoring her for a bit, though he raises a “one moment” finger to her*

Customer: “Where is the caulking, please?”

Coworker: *now done* “The associate behind the paint counter will help you. It’s his area of expertise.” *helps another customer*

Customer: *turns around looking like she just passed through someone and comes back to me* “Where is the caulking?”

Me: “Aisle 82.”

Customer: “So, aisle 79?”

Me: “Aisle 82.”

Customer: “So, it’s in the caulking area?”

Me: “The caulking area is in the paint area. Follow the signs, dear.”

Customer: “Where’s the paint area?”

Me: *points*

Customer: “But maybe he knows?”

Me: “I’m confused now.”

Customer: “Me, too. Maybe he knows where it is?”

Me: “But I know where it is.”

Customer: “But maybe he knows?”

Me: “Fine with me, hon.”

Customer: *asks [Coworker] again* “Where is caulking?”

Coworker: *wondering why he’s still here* “It’s in the paint area. Ask the man behind the paint counter. He’ll be glad to help you.”

Customer: *turns to me* “Can you show me where the caulking is?”

Me: “After I’m done making keys. I have quite the line. Maybe it might take less time to wander off into the middle of the store to find it on your own. I can’t leave until I’m done.”

Customer: “But why not?”

Me: “Because I have a line.”

Customer: “Okay, goodbye. Maybe he knows?” *points to [Coworker] again*

Me: “Didn’t you just ask him?”

Customer: “But he didn’t know.”

Me: “So, why are you asking him again? The paint counter guy knows.”

Customer: “So, maybe I should just ask him, right?”

Me: “Well, I’ve told you many times, but I don’t know if it’ll help to do it again, so yes, maybe he can lead you to it.”

Customer: “But I’m here now. Can’t you lead me?”

Me: *after my line is gone and I have no more customers* “That’s what I’m supposed to do, anyway. If you want, you can walk over to the paint counter and ask him where it is, though I can tell you right now that it’s in aisle 82.”

Customer: “But I don’t know where that is!”

Me: “The paint counter or aisle 82?”

Customer: “Anything!”

Me: “Yeah, this store is a bit of a maze.” *spits out a key sliver* “Bleh. That was awful. Go into the middle of the store, and look to the left. He’s right there.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “The middle of the store.”

Customer: “Where’s that? Maybe you know?” *walks to my coworker*

Me: “Where the middle of the store is?”

My Current Customer: “HOLY S***, LADY, FOLLOW ME!”

(My current customer takes her by the arm, leads her to the caulking, and comes back.)

Me: “I love you forever.”