The Daddy Of All IDs

, , , , | Working | December 19, 2017

(My husband, daughter, and I are going to an 18-and-over show for our daughter’s 18th birthday. My husband is 6’8″, while I am barely 5 feet tall and am often mistaken for being much younger than I am. We are stopped at the door.)

Usher: “Sorry, sir, you can’t bring your kids in here. It’s 18 and up.”

Husband: “That’s okay; we’re all of age.”

(The usher looks annoyed.)

Usher: “Can I see some ID, then?”

(We all present our IDs. The usher looks at mine, then at me, then at my ID again, and his jaw visibly drops.)

Usher: “This is real?”

Me: “Yep.”

Usher: *to husband* “You’re not their dad?”

Husband: “I’m her dad.” *points to our daughter* “But that’s my husband.” *points to me*

Usher: *hands our IDs back and waves us in, speechless*

Daughter: “I think we just broke his brain.”

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Couching Your Request For Drama

, , , , | Right | December 19, 2017

(In the back of the store, we have a lounge for people waiting for friends and family to finish shopping. A woman emerges from the fitting room wearing an outfit from our racks. She walks over to the lounge and lounges back on the couch and asks me to bring a mirror. I bring out a standing mirror for her, then she asks for bottled water. She spends some time preening and posing in the mirror, then shakes her head angrily.)

Customer: “Is there another couch somewhere?”

Me: “No…. May I ask why?”

Customer: *sighing* ”I want to wear this to Christmas, but I have no idea how I’ll look in it. I’ll be sitting on my sister’s couch and that is FOREST GREEN and more of a rigid upholstery. I’m afraid I JUST can’t get this if I can’t see what I’ll look like on that couch!”

Me: “I honestly don’t have another couch to offer you…”

Customer: “HONESTLY! I swear this place has no service!”

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An Ugly Thing To Say

, , , | Right | December 19, 2017

(It is the holiday season and the staff are having an ugly sweater day. I’m wearing my sweater over a regular outfit, one I love. My sweater is hideous and several customers say they love it until one man, whom I spent over ten minutes assisting finding books.)

Customer: “I have to say, your sweater!”

Me: *chuckling* “Oh, yeah, it’s our ugly sweat—”

Customer: “I mean, it’s hideous! And the whole outfit! Ugh! The socks and shoes, too!”

Me: “…”

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Will Get A Roasting For That Later

, , , , | Working | December 18, 2017

(At the end of my undergrad, I started working at a small local coffee shop. I end up graduating a semester early and decide to work at the shop full time until the lease on my apartment is up. When I switch to full-time, I work with an older woman who isn’t quite up-to-date on her science. This happens right as we get a new light roast, so we offer light, medium, and dark.)

Coworker: “Hi guys, would you like to try our new light roast today?”

Customer #1: “No, thanks; I’d rather have the dark roast. More caffeine.”

Coworker: “Actually, lighter roasts have more caffeine than darker roasts!”

Customer #2: “Wait, really? Why?”

Coworker: “Because roasting the beans longer makes more caffeine evaporate out of the beans!”

Me: “Um… that’s not how that works.”

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Allergic To Listening

, , | Healthy | December 13, 2017

(I have been getting flu like symptoms for a week or so every month for about a year and finally made myself an appointment to see the doctor. I had to switch primary care physicians for insurance reasons. This is my first appointment with a new doctor. When I go to see him, I also happen to have some mild allergy symptoms including a stuffy nose, which I am used to.)

Doctor: “So, what can we do for you today?”

Me: “Well, for the past year or so I have been getting flu like symptoms about a week out of each month.” *my voice is sort of muffled and you can tell I have a stuffy nose*

Doctor: “Seems like you have a cold there.”

Me: “No, it’s just allergies. I’m always like this this time of year.”

Doctor: “There’s really not much I can do for a cold. I can prescribe you some antihistamines.”

Me: “I’m fine, thanks. I already take them, and this is just normal allergies.”

Doctor: “You know, with your asthma, allergies can worsen your breathing.”

Me: “Yeah, I know, that’s why I am on three medications for it. Anyway, for like a week each month I get a mild fever and body aches, sometimes headaches. This has been going on for a year.”

Doctor: “I am going prescribe you a Z-Pak just in case, so your cold doesn’t get worse.”

(Writes out a prescription.)

Me: “No, that’s okay. Like I said, this is allergies, I am not here for that.”

Doctor: “Here you go.” *hands me prescription* “Come back in a week if you’re not better.” *leaves the room*

(Needless to say I left angry and never went back to that practice. Oh, and it turned out I had Lyme disease.)

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