That Compliment Went Down The Pan

, , , , | Working | June 23, 2018

(I am a student worker at a cafeteria at my college. It is my first time on the pizza cook shift, and my student manager is showing me the ropes.)

Student Manager: “[My Name]! What does this spray do?”

Me: “It makes the pizza not stick to the pan?”

Student Manager: “You’re not as dumb as you look!”

Me: “I’ll… try to take that as a compliment.”

Student Manager: “You should!”

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Trying To Spin A Different Story

, , , , , | Working | June 22, 2018

(I build models, and use bearings to make some parts move. A local store has a pile of fidget spinners, discounted to ten for a dollar. I realize that I can easily break open the case, and get decent bearings at a remarkably cheap price, so I decide to buy the lot of them. When I approach the checkout, the clerk rolls his eyes.)

Clerk: “Look. I know what you’re thinking, but kids have moved on.”

Me: “What do you think I’m thinking?”

Clerk: “That you can resell those for five bucks a piece. Look. The fad is over. No kids want them anymore. We can’t even sell them below cost.”

Me: “Well, I don’t plan to resell them, so no problems.”

Clerk: “Look, I’m just saving you the trouble. I won’t let you waste your money.”

(He takes the fidget spinners from me and sets them under the counter.)

Me: “Hey! I want to buy those!”

Clerk: “Just get something else, man; kids don’t want them.”

Me: “Get me your manager.”

(The manager comes out. I tell her the clerk took the box of fidget spinners from me and that I want to buy them. She gets the box and processes my order.)

Manager: “I’m going to give you an extra 10% off on these for the trouble. But you know no one wants these anymore, right? Like… you’re going to be out a lot of money if you plan to resell them.”

Me: “For the last time, I’m not reselling them!”

(The good news: my order came to just over $30, and the bearings all work great on my models.)

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404 Error: Brain Not Found

, , , | Right | June 21, 2018

(I’m the brain-dead customer in this one. I had new Internet service set up today, but when I try using it, the speed is less than 10% of what it should be, so I call the cable company I subscribe through. After explaining the situation:)

Representative: “What are you trying to connect to?”

Me: “The Internet.”

Representative: *pause* “I know that.”

(I have no defense to offer for myself.)

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Her Thin Ice Is A Fair Degree Thicker

, , , , | Right | June 21, 2018

(I take a woman’s order. I always like to ask the customers if they want something to drink as I prepare their order to go. When I ask this woman, she says no. As I’m almost done ringing her up…)

Customer: “Oh, can I also get a large ice water with ice?”

Me: “Sure! I’ll get the water before you pay!”

Customer: “Make sure you don’t forget the ice!”

Me: “I’m sure I won’t!”

(As I’m filling her cup with ice, wishing I could just happen to forget it, I fill it up with water from the sink and bring it over to the register.)

Me: *trying to be nice in my most sarcastic way so she won’t pick up on it, and smiling* “Here’s your ice water with ice!”

Customer: “Thanks!” *completely serious* “And there’s ice in there, right?”

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The Fight Between Science And Religion Will Cost You Deer-ly

, , , | Right | June 20, 2018

(I have a part-time job as a toll collector on a regional highway. One evening, I am working a shift in a remote section near a heavily-wooded area. A customer drives up to my booth and the following exchange ensues:)

Customer: *exclaiming* “Wow, a huge deer just ran out in front of me! I had to swerve to miss it! Scared me nearly to death!”

Me: “Yes, you have to be careful driving just about everywhere these days. In fact, I just read an article in Scientific American magazine saying that deer population in the US is up a huge percentage due to outdated conservation policies.”

Customer: “Well, thank God I didn’t hit the creature, because that would have been a disaster. And speaking of thanking God, could I interest you in information about salvation through Jesus?”

(He holds a pamphlet out the car window for me to take.)

Me: “Sir, I just quoted an article from Scientific American. Care to check your math?”

(The customer paused for a moment,  looking confused. Then the light did shine upon him, and he sheepishly withdrew the pamphlet, paid his toll, and went on his way. Better luck next time.)

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