Espionage Doesn’t Cost As Much As It Used To

, , , , | Working | September 4, 2017

(I’m relatively poor, living check-to-check on minimum wage, so I tend to frequent dollar and discount stores for many of my basic needs. I’m currently in a dollar store near my apartment. I pick up a few items I think I’ll need, but after wandering around for 15 minutes, decide to put some of them back. Suddenly, a worker approaches me as I’m putting back the some of the items.)

Worker: “I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Are you guys closing or something?”

Worker: “No. It’s not that. We just don’t want you here.”

Me: *taken aback* “What?”

Worker: “I saw you at [Other Dollar Store]. I know you work there!”

(I do not work there.)

Me: “I don’t work there. And even if I did, what’s the problem?”

Worker: “We don’t appreciate corporate espionage here, sir!”

(This is so ridiculous and unexpected a response, I actually burst out laughing.)

Me: *between laughs* “What?”

Worker: *firm* “I know you work at [Other Dollar Store]! I saw you there. I bet they sent you over to check out our prices or something. They always steal all of our business!”

Me: “Dude… it’s a dollar store. Do they really need to send someone over to spy on you in order to figure out how much most of your stuff costs?”

Worker: “I know you work for them!”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry, but I don’t.”

(The conversation continues for about another minute, with him repeatedly accusing me of “corporate espionage” and me dismissing these ludicrous claims. Finally, he seems to relent…)

Worker: “Fine. Whatever. But I know you work at [Other Dollar Store].”

Me: *laughing* “Okay, buddy.”

(I go to the cashier to ring up the things I am buying.)

Me: “Uhh… You don’t really think I’m committing corporate espionage, do you?”

Cashier: *confused* “What?”

(I explained the situation to the cashier, who was completely dumbfounded by her coworker’s claims. I also noted that in order for him to have supposedly recognized me from the other dollar store, which admittedly I do shop at occasionally, he would have had to have been in there a lot himself… I returned to the store repeatedly several times in the following weeks and so far as I can tell, the worker who confronted me was no longer there.)

Making A Complete Boob Of Himself

, , , , | Romantic | September 1, 2017

(My husband and I are sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon. I haven’t been feeling well.)

Me: “Ugh. My boobs are sore.”

Husband: “Why?”

Me: “I don’t know. They just are; they’re really swollen.”

Husband: “Hmm. Maybe you should go put on a bra.”

Me: “…”

Husband: “What?! That’s why I bought you comfortable ones…”

Me: “That’s… not how that works…”

(Twelve years together, and apparently I have taught him nothing.)

An Inconvenient Truth

, , , | Right | August 30, 2017

(I am at a store with my grandmother, picking up dog food. Since I have just gotten out of work and am only picking the food up, as it is on the way and I don’t want to backtrack, I’m still wearing my uniform, consisting of a blue shirt and tan work pants. The employees at the store wear a red shirt and black pants.)

Customer: *approaches from behind while I’m looking at a magazine, a couple feet away from my grandmother* “Excuse me. Where are the flea collars located?”

Me: *ignores her thinking that she is talking to an employee nearby*

Customer: *taps my shoulder to get my attention*

Me: *turns and looks at her* “Am I in the way? I’m sorry.” *goes to move out of her way*

Customer: “No. Where are the flea collars?”

Me: *looks confused* “I don’t know, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, you should know, since you work here.”

Me: “I don’t work here. I’m only picking up dog food.”

Customer: “Why are you wearing a badge, then?”

Me: *looks down at my badge that clearly states the name of the store I work at on it* “I just got of work and didn’t want to make a unneeded trip. Plus, the employees here wear red shirts, not navy blue.”

Customer: “Well, aren’t you inconvenient.” *stomps off*

(Meanwhile, my grandmother was watching the entire exchange and started laughing after the woman left.)

It’s Literally Elementary, Sir

, , , | Right | August 28, 2017

(A customer is arguing with me over the price of several items he’s purchasing.)

Customer: “Look, it says right here in your flyer that chicken breasts are 20% off with this coupon, so stop being difficult and adjust the price for me.”

Me: “Yes, but that’s for store brand chicken breasts. What you have there are [Brand Name] chicken breasts.”

Customer: “What? It does not say that anywhere!”

Me: *picking up the coupon he’s handed me and reading aloud* “‘Offer applies only to store brand products listed. All brand names exempt unless otherwise stated.’ It’s written right here, quite plainly.”

(I point it out to the customer, who’s now staring at me in slack-jawed amazement.)

Customer: “The f***? I…I didn’t think you guys could read!”

(He paid for his items and left with no further fuss.)

Washing Your Eyes In Jalapeños Would Be Less Painful

, , , | Right | August 27, 2017

(I’m working concession at my movie theater. We offer nachos, and have a few free side items to go with the nachos, including hot sauces and jalapeño slices. We ran out of jalapeños earlier in the night. A customer approaches me, clearly already grumpy and angry.)

Customer: “Get me nachos.”

Me: “Certainly, sir.”

(I fetch the nachos.)

Me: “That’ll be $6.99.”

Customer: “You’re f****** kidding me?! That’s insane! This is robbery!”

Me: “I’m truly sorry, sir.”

Customer: “Fine! But you better get me jalapeños!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we ran out of jalapeños earlier.”

Customer: *scoffs and glares at me with pure rage* “Really? REALLY?! Well, then… what are you going to do for me to make up for this ****ing inconvenience?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

Customer: “I WANTED jalapeños. You don’t have them. So you’re going to give me something else for free! I want more a small popcorn!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I’m not authorized to do that. The jalapeños are an optional free bonus item. I’m not authorized to give you a pay-item to make up for an optional free item that we’re out of.”

Customer: “Well then, give me more nacho cheese!”

Me: “I’m going to have to charge you 99 cents for the cheese.”

Customer: “Bull-s***! You owe me compensation for my inconvenience!”

Me: “I really apologize, sir, but I’m really not authorized to give out free pay-items as compensation for a free optional bonus item.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

(He throws money at me and storms off. Five minutes later, I hear him swearing and screaming at the manager’s desk. A coworker who witnessed the initial exchange comes over to me.)

Coworker: “You know what’s probably happening? He’s probably trying to get you fired for following rules. And I’m willing to bet the manager is going to give him a bunch of free stuff to calm him down.”

Me: “Yeah… unfortunately, that’s probably the case.”

(A few minutes later, my manager indeed came over, grabbed a slew of food items, and gave them to the man for free to stop him from screaming. I was also scolded for following the rules we were told to follow about not giving out free pay-items to make up for out-of-stock free items. And I was later informed by other coworkers that the man spent the entire rest of the night swearing at and insulting them, demanding preferential treatment because that “***hole at concession” wouldn’t give him free items. It’s incidents like this that make me want to strangle whoever coined the phrase “the customer is always right.”)