We’re closing early for New Year’s, so we’re announcing to the customers in the store that it’s time to bring their purchases to the front to check out. An older lady is there with her granddaughter.

Customer: “What? But it’s only six!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we’re closing early tonight because it’s New Year’s Eve.”

Customer: “But I’m still shopping!”

Me: “We’re open again tomorrow, but for now—”

Customer: “—you don’t understand, I’m still shopping now! Right now!”

Me: “Ma’am, it will take me about ten minutes to ring up the customers who are making their way to the registers right now. You have that long to finish up your shopping.”

Customer: *Shouting.* “Ten minutes?! That’s all you can give me? That’s obscene!”

The customer’s granddaughter, who has been eye-rolling the whole time, speaks up in a sarcastic voice.

Customer’s Granddaughter: “Yeah, Grandma! Remember to yell at retail workers during the holiday season! Nothing makes them want to help you more!”

The granddaughter then turns to me, speaking in a sincere tone.

Customer’s Granddaughter: “Ten minutes is more than generous. Thank you so much!”

She all but drags her grandmother by the arm, and has her at my register ten minutes later as the last customer. After they’ve paid:

Customer’s Granddaughter: “Thank you again! I’ll get my grandma working on treating y’all like human beings as her New Year’s resolution!”

New Year’s is a very popular time for pet boarding, especially with dogs. The owners want to go out and party, but it’s hard to leave pets at home alone when there are lots of fireworks. As a result, we get booked up pretty fast.

It’s the evening of New Year’s Eve, and a woman walks in with two dogs.

Me: “Good evening! What’s the name?”

Customer: “Oh, my name is [Name].”

Me: “I’m not seeing a reservation under that name.”

Customer: “Well, there wouldn’t be, as I don’t have one.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’ve been fully booked for tonight since about September.”

Customer: “You can’t fit in two more dogs? They’re only small!”

Me: “No, ma’am. We’re at capacity. We legally can’t hold any more animals tonight.”

Customer: “They’re very well behaved. They can both fit in one cage.”

Me: “No, ma’am. We’re… at… capacity.”

Customer: “Ugh! This is insane! You should open more cages for holidays!”

She storms out and starts shouting at someone on the phone, maybe a dog sitter? Either way, not my problem, until…

About ten minutes later, a customer who DOES have a reservation walks in, and tells me:

Other Customer: “You know there are two small dogs tied to the post outside your door, right?”

Me: “You gotta be kidding.”

I go outside, and right there, as described, are the customer’s two small dogs, whining about having been left behind. There’s a note attached to the collar of one of them.

Note: “If there’s no room for a cage, just keep them in your lobby! They’re fun and cute! I’ll be back tomorrow morning for them.”

No, she will NOT be back tomorrow morning for them. She will have to take it up with the police and the ASPCA!

I couldn’t get anyone to come and get them that night, so I kept them with me with the other night worker and made sure they were warm and fed (and kept calm during the fireworks). A local animal shelter was able to send someone to collect them around 7 AM.

Sometime around midday, the woman who abandoned her pets stumbled in, obviously a little tired from partying all night, and was informed that her dogs were not with us.

Customer: “What! Where are my babies! You kidnapped them!”

Me: “Please call the police to report the crime, then, ma’am. Tell them you were the woman who abandoned her dogs to attend a New Year’s party. They should know who you are from that description. Good luck and Happy New Year!”

I didn’t mean that last part…

It’s New Year’s Day in the hospital ward. I’m working as a night nurse.

One of the doctors is doing his rounds and checking on some patients. This ward has patients who are here for a week or so, so a certain level of rapport can be developed with certain patients:

Doctor: *To a patient.* “I hope you pooped before midnight last night.”

Patient: “Why, is there a medical reason?”

Doctor: “No, we just don’t want you carrying the same s*** into 202X.”

Patient: “Ha! Yeah, we don’t want any of that.”

The doctor is about to move on when the patient adds:

Patient: “Actually, I was pooping from 11:59 PM last night until 12:01 AM this morning.”

Doctor: “You pooped right on New Year’s?”

Patient: “Yeah… New year but same old s***.”

They both laughed.

It’s New Year’s Eve, and the fireworks stand is mostly sold out. We have the big stuff left, but the family-friendly “safe for Grandma and toddlers” items are long gone.

Customer: “Hi, where are your sparklers?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we sold out about three hours ago.”

Customer: “Well, get some from the back.”

Me: “We don’t have any in the back. When we’re out, we’re out.”

Customer: *Sighs aggressively.* “Ugh. Fine. Just open a fireworks box and split up one of the big ones.”

Me: “…Split them?”

Customer: “Break one big firework into smaller ones. It’s the same thing.”

Me: “Ma’am… that’s not how fireworks work.”

Customer: “Don’t be ridiculous. They’re all just made of the same sparkly stuff. Cut it into pieces.”

Me: “Ma’am… cutting open a firework is a very fast way to lose a hand.”

Customer: “So are you going to help me or not?”

Me: “Absolutely not. I enjoy having all ten fingers.”

Customer: “Well, what am I supposed to tell my kids? They WANT SPARKLERS FOR NEW YEAR’S!”

Me: “You can tell them you love them enough not to hand them a DIY explosive.”

She huffs, storms off toward her car, then turns around.

Customer: “Next year, you should keep extra sparklers for people like me!”

She leaves in a rage. The next customer walks up.

Next Customer: “Did she really ask you to cut open a firework?”

Me: “Yep.”

Next Customer: “…Man. Some people are determined to start the new year with fewer limbs.”

It’s 6 PM on New Year’s Eve, and the store is picked clean. We have exactly one pair of cheap cardboard “2024” glasses left, the kind everyone wears for thirty minutes at midnight before losing them.

Two customers (both regulars) approach it at the exact same time. They both grab a side of the glasses.

Customer #1: “Let go!”

Customer #2: “YOU let go!”

Before I can intervene, they start a full tug-of-war. A very dramatic one, considering the item costs $3.99.

Me: “Ladies, please—”

SNAP. 

The glasses split cleanly down the middle. They both stare at the ruined pieces.

Me: “Congratulations. You now each have a stylish New Year’s Eve monocle. That’ll be $2 each.”

Customer #1: “Well, I’m not paying for that.”

Customer #2: “Same. It’s broken now.”

Me: “Store policy: you break it, you buy it. Even if you break it together.”

Customer #1: “What are we supposed to do with these?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you have 20. Ma’am, you have 24. Together, you are a complete year.”

They look at each other, then at the pieces, then at me. They begrudgingly pay for their respective halves and leave, each holding their broken “monocle” like a symbol of mutual defeat. They both come in together the next day to get “hangover juice”. Apparently, they became friends over their “shared party costume”.