Incorrect Al-leg-gations

, , , | Working | October 5, 2012

(One day while my friend is shopping, he parks in a spot specifically reserved for handicapped drivers. A parking inspector sees this and confronts him.)

Inspector: “Excuse me, sir, you can’t park here.”

My Friend: “Yes, I can. I’ve got a disability sticker.”

(My friend points to sticker that is clearly visible on the windshield of his car.)

Inspector: “Yeah, right! I bet that’s not even your sticker!”

My Friend: “Here’s my Driver’s Licence. It’s got the same name as the name on the sticker.”

Inspector: “Bull***t! Clearly, you’re just faking a disability to get a good parking spot.”

My Friend: *removes his left prosthetic leg and hands it to the inspector*

Inspector: *gasps and runs away*

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Fresh Until Proven Spoiled

, , , , , , | Right | September 1, 2011

(A customer comes to the return desk the day after Christmas.)

Customer: “This ham smells off. Smell it. I want a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry that it was off, sir. I’ll refund you now.”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to smell it?”

Me: “Um… it’s okay. I believe you.”

Customer: “It smells terrible!”

Me: “I’m sure it does, sir, but it’s not necessary for me to smell it. I’ll just give you a refund.”

Customer: “How do you know I’m not lying if you won’t smell it?”

Me: “Sir, I am not going to smell your ham.”

Customer: “SMELL MY HAM!”

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How To Austra-cize Common Sense

, , , , , , | Right | April 29, 2011

(A customer asks for the bill. I give it to her.)

Customer: “Hold on, where am I?”

Me: “You’re in [Restaurant].”

Customer: “No, what country?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Customer: *blank stare*

(At this moment I notice a large bag on the table next to her and a large travel backpack on the seat next to her.)

Me: “Australia. Are you backpacking the world?”

(The customer opens her bag and pulls out over a dozen envelopes with different countries written on them. France, Russia, China, Germany, Thailand, etc. She pulls Austria out of the pile.)

Me: “No, it’s Australia.”

(The customer puts it back and finds her Australia envelope. Out of the envelope comes Euros.)

Me: “Okay, get Austria.”

Customer: “You told me that’s wrong.”

Me: “You misplaced your money.”

(The customer reluctantly gets her Austria envelope again. Out of the envelope comes Australian dollars, which I happily accept. She puts everything back in the wrong envelope.)

Me: “I think you should put them in the correct envelope this time. Euros don’t need to be separated by country. You can name multiple countries on that one envelope.”

Customer: *yelling* “Don’t tell me what to do! I’m the one travelling, not you. Don’t forget, you’re the one who told me my first envelope was wrong!”

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How To Fleece Customers

, , , , | Right | April 11, 2011

Customer: “There are lots of different kinds of quilt fibres. Which kind is best?”

Me: “Well, generally natural fibres are best. Wool is particularly good. It’s warm in winter and cool in summer. Plus, wool is fire resistant.”

Customer: “Well, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a sheep on fire.”

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Reason For Refund Holds Water

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2011

Customer: “I’d like to return this hat; it didn’t meet my expectations.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t return this for you. The hat is wet.”

Customer: “I wouldn’t call it wet. That’s a bit presumptuous of you, isn’t it?”

Me: “I don’t think it is. It’s wet.”

Customer: “And where does it say in your returns policy that all items must be dry?”

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