Engaged With Reality

, , , , , | Romantic | November 20, 2013

(My older brother is not what you’d call the romantic type, and his girlfriend is very laid back. They’ve gone to visit her sister on the coast, and he’s taken her for a walk along her favourite beach, which shares her name. My brother stops walking and pulls out a box.)

Girlfriend: “If you get on one knee, I will punch you.”

My Brother: “So… you up for it?”

 Girlfriend: “Sure.”

(They high-fived, got some fish and chips, and called everyone. I’m going to be a bridesmaid at their wedding!)

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Incorrect Al-leg-gations

, , , | Working | October 5, 2012

(One day while my friend is shopping, he parks in a spot specifically reserved for handicapped drivers. A parking inspector sees this and confronts him.)

Inspector: “Excuse me, sir, you can’t park here.”

My Friend: “Yes, I can. I’ve got a disability sticker.”

(My friend points to sticker that is clearly visible on the windshield of his car.)

Inspector: “Yeah, right! I bet that’s not even your sticker!”

My Friend: “Here’s my Driver’s Licence. It’s got the same name as the name on the sticker.”

Inspector: “Bull***t! Clearly, you’re just faking a disability to get a good parking spot.”

My Friend: *removes his left prosthetic leg and hands it to the inspector*

Inspector: *gasps and runs away*

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Fresh Until Proven Spoiled

, , , , , , | Right | September 1, 2011

(A customer comes to the return desk the day after Christmas.)

Customer: “This ham smells off. Smell it. I want a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry that it was off, sir. I’ll refund you now.”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to smell it?”

Me: “Um… it’s okay. I believe you.”

Customer: “It smells terrible!”

Me: “I’m sure it does, sir, but it’s not necessary for me to smell it. I’ll just give you a refund.”

Customer: “How do you know I’m not lying if you won’t smell it?”

Me: “Sir, I am not going to smell your ham.”

Customer: “SMELL MY HAM!”

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Taxing Faxing, Part 7

, , , , , | Right | December 9, 2010

Me: “Hi, [Cake Shop], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, hi, do you have cake boxes?”

Me: “Like the ones we put the sold cakes into?”

Caller: “Yeah, but do you have just plain coloured ones?”

Me: “No, sorry, we only have ones with the company’s logo on it.”

Caller: “Well, can you order one? I told my friend that I got a special cake shop to make the cake, but I made it, and all I need is a plain box.”

Me: “Sorry, we can’t do that.”

Caller: “Okay then, I’ll just get the one with a logo. Can you mail it?”

Me: “No, that’s not store policy. Customers have to collect it themselves.”

Caller: “Well, then just fax it to me.” *tells me his number – and before I can respond* “Thank you!” *hangs up*

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H2-Woah

, , , , , , | Right | December 3, 2010

(At the cinema the water is really expensive, the bottle we sell costs $5.10 but anywhere else it would be $2.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get you?”

Customer: “I’ll just grab a water thanks.”

Me: “Sure, that’ll be $5.10.”

Customer: *shocked* “$5.10!?”

Me: “Yeah, sorry, just our prices.”

Customer: “But it’s water. You know that s*** comes from the sky right?”

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