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Their Toilet Breaks Are Broken

, , , | Right | May 11, 2018

(I work the fitting rooms. The door to both restrooms is in the entrance to the hallway leading to the men’s fitting rooms. I often have customers that get the signs confused and try to go down the hall, but once you get past the initial door, you’re in a hallway with nothing but two doors that say “Men” and “Ladies.” The initial door is also locked, so I have to push a button to buzz customers in. One day, I’m working on a project a little way away from the fitting room — though still within sight — and I see a man approaching the area and reading all the signs, so I jump up to assist him.)

Man: “Where are the bathrooms?”

Me: “Just behind the door there.”

Man: *starts going down the hall to the men’s fitting rooms*

Me: “No, the door. Sir? Sir! SIR!” *I have to follow him and bring him back* “It’s this door right here.”

(I physically touch the door, then go back to the button to buzz him in. The man looks at the “Restrooms” sign on the door, then back down the hallway he’d come from, then around the corner to the rest of the store.)

Me: “It’s just behind the door.”

(The man finally opens the door, pokes his head inside, then looks down the hallway to the fitting room again.)

Me: “You got it. Right there behind the door.”

(The man finally goes through the door. At this point, he’s in a hallway with nothing but two doors that say “Men” and “Ladies,” so I go back to the project I was working on. After about a minute or two, he comes out of the door again, and I see him talking to his wife near the entrance to the fitting rooms. He’s already been in the bathroom and they’re not holding any clothing, so I don’t think much of it. After a bit, someone else approaches the fitting room, so I come back to count her in. When I’m finished, the couple approaches me again.)

Woman: “Bathroom?”

Me: “Okay, I’ll buzz you in.” *pushes button*

(The man looks very confused. The woman looks around at the signage.)

Me: “It’s just behind the door there.”

Woman: *hesitantly puts her hand on the handle*

Me: “Yeah, that’s it.”

(The woman opened the door, poked her head in, and then held the door open for her husband. He went in and she waited outside. I went back to my project. The man came out again fairly quickly and went talk to his wife. I came back to the fitting room and he asked to be let into the bathroom a third time. I buzzed him in yet again, and again he came out fairly quickly, but this time they left. I’m pretty sure he never did figure out how to use the bathroom.)

It’s All An ACT

, , , , | Learning | April 26, 2018

(My Latin teacher is a massive know-it-all and knows that he’s smarter than a vast majority of people.)

Classmate: “Didn’t you say you didn’t do well on the ACT?”

Teacher: “No, that sounds way too humble for me to say.”

Plenty Of Holes In That Argument

, , , , , | Friendly | April 24, 2018

(At the very end of my English class, my teacher lets us get up to gather at the door a couple of minutes before the bell rings. I notice she has a few Easter-themed gel stickers on the door’s window.)

Me: “Why does that one rabbit have a bunch of little holes in it, but none of the others do?”

Friend: “I don’t know. Maybe it’s hunting season?”

I Am Number Four… Again

, , , , , | Working | April 8, 2018

(I am a senior in college, working four jobs, because due to several incidents I have been traumatized by roommates and need to pay for a place of my own. My parents insist it be in a “safe” area, which means it will be expensive. Also, I can’t find single full-time job that works around my school schedule. This happens at my job at the university box office a few weeks before finals, when I am working an average of about 70 hours per week. The box office job is my “easy” job, where I’m allowed to do homework. I just came from three days of doubles at my other jobs, and stayed up late the night before working on a project. I’m alone in the office and dozing when the phone rings, waking me.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Drugstore] on [Street], [Drugstore slogan]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *silence*

Me: *realizing* “Um, I mean, thank you for calling [Sporting Goods Store] at [Local Mall]. Which department were you hoping to speak to?!”

Caller: “I don’t think that one is right, either, sweetie.”

Me: *now slightly panicking* “Right! I meant, welcome to the [Non-Profit that I both volunteer and work for]! No, wait. That’s not right, either.”

(At his point, the caller is laughing hysterically, and the fog clears from my head long enough to realize it’s the woman who works in the office that oversees the box office.)

Me: *laughing, too* “I’ve got it this time! Thank you for calling [University] box office. How can I help you today?”

Caller: *no response, only laughter*

I Am Number Four

The Password Adds Up

, , , , , | Learning | April 7, 2018

(My algebra teacher teaches both honors and regulars at my school.)

Classmate: “Mr. [Teacher], what are the regulars doing right now?”

Teacher: “They just did a MathXL quiz.” *he giggles* “I made the password ‘ilovemath’ just so they would have to write it out once in their lives.”