Their Brains Were Half-Off

, , , , , | Right | March 25, 2020

(I decide to close my storefront and concentrate on other things. I put a big sign in the window that reads, “Grand Closing Sale!” Suddenly, I am getting lots of walk-in traffic, 90% idiots.)

Idiot #1: “So, everything’s half off?”

Me: “No, I’ve marked a lot of things down, but I can’t reduce the prices on the original artwork.”

Idiot #1: *pointing at original painting* “So, I can get this for half off?”

Me: “No. That’s not even marked down.”

Idiot #1: “Your sign says everything’s half off.”

Me: “No. It doesn’t.”

Idiot #1: “It does so; I just saw it.”

Me: *patient voice* “Step back out and read it again.”

Idiot #1: *rereads the sign* “Huh. I thought it did. So, how much will you sell me that for?”

Me: “$1,500.”

Idiot #1: “Why is that print so expensive?”

Me: “Because it’s not a print; it’s the original.”

Idiot #1: *tilts head thoughtfully, as though appraising the painting* “So… how much is it without the frame?”

Me: *having expected this* “$1,600. There’s a hundred dollar un-framing fee.”

Idiot #1: “Oh.” *wanders around for a while, then leaves*

(Later:)

Idiot #2: “Fifty percent off everything, eh?”

Me: “No. Just good prices on the prints and gifts.”

Idiot #2: “Not fifty percent off, like your sign says?”

(Later:)

Idiot #3: *looks around for a while and picks out some items* “I just love a half-off sale!”

Me: “Not everything’s half off.”

Idiot #3: “But your sign said…”

(And on, and on… for the entire month I was closing things out.)

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How Can I Frame This Differently?

, , , , , | Right | March 19, 2020

Customer: “Can I take a frame out of the box to see what size it is?”

Me: “No, but I can find out the size for you.”

(I do a quick examination of the box.)

Me: “The size is 8×11.”

Customer: “There’s no way that’s 8×11.”

(She then opens the box! My coworker’s jaw and mine both hit the floor.)

Customer: “I know you said I couldn’t open it but I have to verify the size.” 

(Once she had “verified the size,” she then began trying to stuff the frame back into the box. It wouldn’t fit. She began to get frustrated and grabbed another box and asked to purchase it. I started off the ringing process, and while she wasn’t looking, I wrapped the opened box and frame and slipped it into her bag without her noticing. It was my small revenge for the lady who couldn’t care less about what I had to say.)

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Drink Responsibly, Work Less So

, , , , | Working | February 19, 2020

Years ago, I worked in the liquor department of a national chain and the assistant manager called me on my day off to see if I could work.

“Nope,” I said gleefully. “I’m on my third beer; you know the law.” He grumbled, but he understood.

The next day, I was talking to one of the non-liquor clerks and told her about it. Her face lit up and she said, “That’s great! I’m using that the next time they call me!”

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Speeding Through The Signs

, , , , | Right | February 7, 2020

(A fellow airman and I are currently working at a gate visitor control center where we issue passes to get on base. We see a lady come in with a look of superiority.)

Me: “Good morning. How are you today?”

Customer: “Hi. I just have a quick question.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “How long has that sign been there.” *points to a speed sign and a caution sign on the way out of the base*

Me: “The speed sign?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, at least since March of 2007 when I arrived here.”

Customer: “No, it hasn’t! That sign is recent! I want to know when you put it up!”

Coworker: “Did you get a speeding ticket?”

Customer: “Yes, I did, and I know you guys just put it up so you could trap people!”

Coworker: “Well, ma’am, I can tell you that it has been there for years, but if you want to fight your ticket you can follow the instructions on the back of your citation. There is nothing we can do here.”

Customer: “Fine! But I’m telling everyone that you guys are trapping innocent motorists!” *starts to walk out*

Coworker & Me: “Okay, Have a good day.”

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They Will Never Be A Bean Counter

, , , | Right | February 7, 2020

Customer: “How much are your beans?”

Me: “Twenty cents a pound.”

Customer: “Well, which ones are on sale, five pounds for a dollar?”

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