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Sometimes You Have To Show Off To Show Them Up

, , , , | Right | June 22, 2020

I am shopping around for a video game when I overhear the following conversation between an employee and a customer.

Customer: “Hey, do you know if this will work on my computer?”

Employee: “Do you know what kind of computer you have or what you have in it?”

Customer: “No, it is just a regular computer with Windows on it.”

Employee: “Well, I can’t really tell you if it will work.”

Customer: “Can I return it if it doesn’t work?”

Employee: “We are not allowed to take back PC games once they are sold. If something is wrong, we can exchange them. Would you like to look at the Nintendo or PlayStation games?”

The customer is now very irate.

Customer: “No, I don’t let my son sit there and play those; he doesn’t sit there and play video games and rot his brain all day! He is a very smart kid and has a 4.0 in school!”

I finally have had enough and chime in.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. He is just trying to help you. And computer games are the same as video games. This young man is just trying to help you out. It is not his fault you don’t know what kind of computer you have so he can help you make a decision.”

Customer: “How would you know? You probably play video games all day!”

Me: “Actually, I have my Bachelor’s in computer science; I work on developing software and was able to read at a college level before I was thirteen. And I’ve played video games ever since I could hold a controller. And if you really don’t want your kid playing video games, maybe you should buy him a book to read, instead.”

The customer grabs her son by the arm and leaves the store in a huff.

Employee: “Thank you for that.”

Tailgating Is Much More Fun At A Stadium

, , , , , , | Working | May 29, 2020

The lab where I work requires that you either sign in at the front desk or swipe your ID card to access one of the exterior doors. There are very strict rules, enforced by security camera, that no one is to be allowed in by “tailgating” you through the exterior doors without swiping their ID card to open the door. Even if you recognize the other person, if you are spotted letting someone in, you will get written up and pulled into security retraining. So, we don’t do it, even during the morning rush. A person comes up, swipes, walks through the door, closes it, the next person swipes, opens the door, walks through, closes it, etc.

On this particular day, I’m coming in a bit later because I’m going to be working late into the night, and I see someone I don’t recognize standing around outside holding an unlit cigarette. It is pretty common for people to come out and take a smoke break, and he is in the area where people generally do that, so I don’t think much of it as I walk up and swipe my card.

As I’m stepping in, however, I hear hurried steps, and I turn to see him running up after me. On instinct, I reach out and yank the door close, and I actually hear him impact it on the other side, rattling it a bit when it proves to be locked. Cue him audibly cursing me out.

I am pretty shocked by that, and I report the incident to my boss. He looks into it, and it turns out that the guy was a probationary new hire who disliked being “treated like a baby” and being forced to sign in while waiting for his ID card to be issued. So, he thought that sneaking his way in would be somehow better.

On the bright side for him, the company certainly won’t be treating him like a baby, as he no longer works here.

Sounds Like A Hot Mess

, , , , , | Friendly | April 8, 2020

My wife and I are at the annual Fiery Foods Show, trying all sorts of hot sauce and salsas. We stop by a booth partially because my wife likes the salsa containers.

We take our samples and taste them and frankly, they’re not very good. The lady apparently thought bell peppers were the same as jalapeños or habaneros, and it is mostly fruit.

She asks us, “How do you like it?”

Not wanting to be rude, I say, “It’s interesting what people use in their salsas.”

Suddenly, she’s almost screaming at us, “THIS IS THE BEST STUFF HERE! EVERYTHING ELSE HERE IS JUST HOT!”

We walk away as she’s still almost screaming so we don’t hear the rest of what she said. My wife turns to me and says, “Doesn’t she understand that this is the Fiery Foods Show?”

Guard Gone Goofy

, , , , , | Working | March 30, 2020

(I have a birth defect, spina bifida, which caused my legs and feet not to grow properly. Though I can stand and walk some, it is immediately exhausting and I can only walk with support. I use a wheelchair and drive with hand controls. I have a van which I put my wheelchair in from the back passenger door. One day, I drive up to a shopping center, park in a handicap spot, and start getting my chair out. I notice a security guard looking at my handicap license plate. That’s cool, no problem; you can’t tell I’m in a wheelchair right away and I hate when people park illegally. I get into my chair and smile at him. This is not some cheap hospital wheelchair someone might use to pretend they are handicapped; it is an expensive custom fit chair.)

Guard: “Ma’am, do you have your placard for this spot?”

(I look at the license plate he was just looking at, and then I look down at myself.)

Me: “Um… no, I have my license plate.”

Guard: “Oh… Well, I just want to make sure; people steal these spots from people who need them a lot.”

(I look down at myself, and then look at my license plate.)

Me: “Uh-huh…”

(The guard walked away after looking at me blankly for several seconds. I don’t know if he thought the chair meant I didn’t really NEED a close spot, thought I was faking it, or was just on automatic.)

Their Brains Were Half-Off

, , , , , | Right | March 25, 2020

(I decide to close my storefront and concentrate on other things. I put a big sign in the window that reads, “Grand Closing Sale!” Suddenly, I am getting lots of walk-in traffic, 90% idiots.)

Idiot #1: “So, everything’s half off?”

Me: “No, I’ve marked a lot of things down, but I can’t reduce the prices on the original artwork.”

Idiot #1: *pointing at original painting* “So, I can get this for half off?”

Me: “No. That’s not even marked down.”

Idiot #1: “Your sign says everything’s half off.”

Me: “No. It doesn’t.”

Idiot #1: “It does so; I just saw it.”

Me: *patient voice* “Step back out and read it again.”

Idiot #1: *rereads the sign* “Huh. I thought it did. So, how much will you sell me that for?”

Me: “$1,500.”

Idiot #1: “Why is that print so expensive?”

Me: “Because it’s not a print; it’s the original.”

Idiot #1: *tilts head thoughtfully, as though appraising the painting* “So… how much is it without the frame?”

Me: *having expected this* “$1,600. There’s a hundred dollar un-framing fee.”

Idiot #1: “Oh.” *wanders around for a while, then leaves*


Idiot #2: “Fifty percent off everything, eh?”

Me: “No. Just good prices on the prints and gifts.”

Idiot #2: “Not fifty percent off, like your sign says?”


Idiot #3: *looks around for a while and picks out some items* “I just love a half-off sale!”

Me: “Not everything’s half off.”

Idiot #3: “But your sign said…”

(And on, and on… for the entire month I was closing things out.)