Melt Your Hands, Bleach Your Brain

, , , , , , | Working | June 12, 2020

We are currently in the middle of Big Viral Outbreak 2020, and my office is one of the few still open and “fully” functional — in quotes because there’s always someone out in quarantine, folks working from home, cubicles emptied and rearranged for social distancing, etc.

We’ve got an overall open floor plan with low, glass cubicle walls, and during slow periods in the afternoon, there’s a bit of chatting. During one such time, this gem occurs.

Coworker #1: “Yeah, my hands have just been so dry and itchy lately.”

Coworker #2: “I know! Just constantly washing my hands and everything, it’s terrible.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, I can’t get up and wash my hands every ten minutes, so I’ve just been using these disinfecting wipes.”

Me: “Wait, what? Which wipes?”

She holds up a pack of disinfecting wipes. A mixture of laughter and shocked noises erupts.

Coworker #3: “Well, that could be why your hands are so messed up!”

Coworker #1: “What?! It’s just sanitizer, like Purell!”

Me: “No, it’s bleach. Congratulations, you’ve melted your skin!”

We finally got her convinced that “hand sanitizer” and “surface disinfectant” were different things, and not to use bleach wipes on her hands.

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Not Making Any Good Connections

, , , , , | Working | June 8, 2020

I’m currently having issues with my Internet; everything we have access to has already been reset, cables checked, all the first-run tech solutions. It’s time to do the most dreaded task known to man: call tech support.

After a forty-five-minute hold, I finally get through to talk to someone. It doesn’t help that his accent is so thick it’s actually impressive; I’m only including it because it may partially explain the problems we have. I explain my problem.

Tech #1: “Okay, is your phone and television also having problems?”

Me: “No, my TV’s fine and I’m talking to you on my phone.”

Tech #1: “Not your cell phone, sir, your home phone.”

Me: *Pause* “I’m talking to you on my home phone, not my cell phone.”

Tech #1: “Okay, well, I will need to be resetting your FIOS box. Are you knowing to do that?”

Me: “Technically, but it’s in a storage closet and it would take forever to get to. Also, that will kick us from this call.”

Tech #1: “No, sir, resetting your FIOS box will not disconnect your cell phone.”

Me: “I already told you. I’m not on my cell phone; I’m on my landline. I only have a landline because my apartment has terrible cell service and I can’t make calls on it while inside.”

Tech #1: “Okay, sir, I am understanding, but I am needing to reset your FIOS box, which I can do remotely without affecting your cell phone. Can you please stay on the line with me while I do this?”

Me: “No, because the landline goes through the FIOS box, and I will get disconnected.”

Tech #1: “I assure you again, sir, y—”

And that is when his signal to reset the box goes through, and — shocker — it disconnects the call. Two minutes later, my phone’s back up and I call back, this time waiting nearly an hour. The new tech has a different, much lighter accent.

Tech #2: “I see you already have an open ticket; are you calling about the same problem?”

Me: “Yes, I am, and the last tech I talked with reset my FIOS box disconnecting my call and now I had to wait another hour to talk to someone.”

Tech #2: “I am very sorry for that, sir. I can see in our system there is actually a network outage in your area; crews are already working on it.”

Me: “That makes sense. Thank you for letting me know… Please tell me this isn’t a two-hours-old issue that the last guy just never looked up?”

Tech #2: “I’m sorry, sir, my system does not show exactly when it started, but… Oh, dear.”

Me: “Well, that doesn’t sound good!”

Tech #2: “No, I am sorry. I just looked up the record and your last technician is still in training; he should not have taken a call on his own yet.”

Me: *Pause* “Gooood, and let me guess you probably shouldn’t be telling me that, either?”

Tech #2: *Pause* “IsthereanythingelseIcanhelpyouwithtodaysir?”

I burst out laughing; I needed that after the last two hours of annoyance. I also did take the survey you always get via email for once, saying that [Tech #2] was great, but [Tech #1] needed to be trained how to actually listen to and comprehend the customers.

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Cheese Louise!

, , , | Right | June 6, 2020

I work at a fast food restaurant that has dollar cheeseburgers and hamburgers available as well as larger burgers.

Customer: “I would like two hamburgers.”

Me: “Would you like the junior ones or a big one?”

Customer: “I don’t know; I just want two hamburgers!”

Me: “I need to know so we can charge you accordingly.”

The customer rambles on, so I put in two of the dollar hamburgers.

Me: “That will be $2.12.”

The customer looks at the receipt.

Customer: “You charged me for the cheese!”

Me: “What?!”

Customer: “It says up there that the junior cheeseburgers are a dollar!”

Me: “Yes, but you got two junior hamburgers; they’re the same price, but without cheese!”

Customer: “But I’m still paying for the cheese, then. I don’t want the cheese!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t do anything to change the prices; I just put in what you tell me and the register adds it up!

Even if I did try and give him a discount to get him to stop complaining, our cheapest “coupon” is for a dollar.

Customer: “Forget it! I’ll just go to [Another Fast Food Restaurant across the street]; they’ll give me what I want!” *Leaves*

I voided out the order, wondering how much he wanted taken off for no cheese on a dollar burger.

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Unfiltered Story #195009

, , | Unfiltered | May 29, 2020

(I am waiting at a UPS store to get a paper notarized and I overhear one of the employees on the phone with a customer.)

Employee, after being in the phone for a few minutes: Wait, what? You can’t come in and get a paper notarized for your sister…. because you’re not your sister, that’s why. No, you can’t just pretend to be your sister, that’s not how that works…

(This goes on for a while.)

Employee: For the love of God, I cannot notarize a paper for your sister without your sister actually being here!

Customer: I’M PAYING YOUR SALARY YOU ASSHOLE! You’re telling ME that I can’t get my paper NOTARIZED just because I’m not my sister! Well I’m sorry that I’m not her! ALL ANYONE EVER CARES ABOUT IS MY SISTER. PAY ATTENTION TO ME FOR ONCE! I’M A F*CKING PRINCESS!

(No wonder her sister seemed to be more well-liked, as she later came in and apologized for her sibling’s bad behavior over the phone, and was surprisingly nice about it. The funny thing? She didn’t even need that paper notarized, she needed it mailed, which her sibling totally could have done for her without her screaming breakdown over the phone.)

Ask Them For Their PIN And See What Happens

, , , | Right | May 21, 2020

I work in a bank. I answer the phone with the appropriate greeting.

Me: “May I have your account number?”

Customer: “You mean, like, my bank account?”

Where did she think she was calling?

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