(My grandmother has just passed away, and we are cleaning her apartment out when the phone rings. My dad answers.)

Dad: “Hello?”

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is a message from [Grandmother’s Synagogue] for [Grandmother]. To hear the message now, press one. If you want us to call back, press two.”

Dad: “Well, we might as well press one and hear it.” *presses 1*

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is [Synagogue] with sad news. Congregant [Grandmother] passed away yesterday. Funeral services will be at [Date] and [Time].”

Dad: “Did they really just call her to tell her she died?”

(I am obsessed with a particular candy bar, and I ask for one every time we go to the store. For my birthday, my parents go to a big-box store, and buy me an entire CASE of them! They make me promise to only have one a day. After dinner, I am helping mom clean up the table, when dad walks in, holding the box of candy bars.)

Dad: *opens the box, laughs through his nose, and closes it*

Mom And Me: “Uh…”

Dad: *opens the box again, laughs through his nose, and closes it*

Me: “Um, dad, are you okay?”

Dad: *does it one more time, laughing a bit more*

Mom: “What are you DOING?”

Dad: “What? It’s a box of Snickers!”

(My mom can’t decide what is worse: the joke, or how much I am laughing at it!)

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(I am 21 years old. Five years earlier, I was in hospital for operations to remove tumors, but I lost 11 lbs. in the process. Since then, I have had special medicine to make me put on weight, but despite this, I am still underweight. Note: I am in a very light t-shirt.)

Me: “Can I have the [Popular Meal]?”

Waitress: “No.”

Me: “Isn’t there any left?”

Waitress: “No. I just don’t want to serve you.”

Me: “…Why?”

Waitress: “Because people like you just WASTE this restaurant’s money…”

(The waitress leans in so close to my face that she spits in it.)

Waitress: “You think you will get thin by throwing up so you can get in [Fashion Magazine] and people will want to have sex with you? Well, let me get this into your trampy brain — you look terrible! Your skeleton is showing, you’re covered in freckles, and you have stupid marks all over your body.”

Me: *almost in tears* “They’re scars—”

Waitress: “Oh, so you want to self-harm yourself as well? Being ungrateful and throwing up isn’t enough for you? But now, because people don’t like you, because you’re so ugly no matter how hard you vomit, you hurt yourself? Well, listen to me, you b****: YOU DESERVE IT!”

(By now, the whole restaurant is watching us. The waitress continues berating me. By this point, I can no longer control myself and am in tears.)

Waitress: “You want to make yourself pretty?! Well, you’ve failed! Get out of here and spend less time making yourself look pretty to have sex, and more time on your exams! How old are you, 16?”

Me: “21… but I was in—”

Waitress: “Yeah, go on! Cry! You deserve it! I hate your kind!”

(The manager comes up.)

Manager: “[Waitress], I have TOLD you about insulting customers! Go and get your stuff and get out.”

(I finally summon up enough courage to respond with a parting shot to the waitress.)

Me: “I was in the hospital!”

(I got a 70% discount for the waitress’ insults. By the way, I’m getting better!)

(It’s New Year’s Eve, and I’m a customer in the supermarket waiting in line for self-checkout. This supermarket has a bonus card, but you have to scan it AFTER you scan all your items. A customer is at the self-check in front of me, buying milk and pretzels. The lines are really long, and the self-check attendant is helping someone else.)

Customer: “Why doesn’t this work?!” *waves her bonus card all over the scanner*

Me: “You have to scan your groceries first, hit ‘Finish’ and ‘Pay’, and then it’ll ask for the bonus card.”

Customer: “It’s not working!” *keeps waving card*

Me: “That’s because you have to scan your groceries first.”

(She scans her items and then starts jabbing the ‘Help Needed’ button immediately.)

Customer: “See, the pretzels are supposed to be only $2, and it’s ringing up $4! This is wrong!”

Me: “You haven’t scanned your bonus card yet. You need to hit ‘Finish’ and ‘Pay’ first, then scan the card, and it’ll take the money off.”

Customer: “Do you even know how to use this?!”

(I lean over and hit “Finish” and “Pay,” and then the kiosk says, “Please scan your bonus card.” She does, and the discount applies.)

Me: “See, $2 for pretzels.”

Kiosk: “Please take your receipt.”

Customer: “Now where’s my receipt? Stupid machine!” *stares in the wrong place*

Me: *points* “Your receipt prints up there.”

(The customer glares at me, grabs her receipt, and storms off to the bagging area, where she stares menacingly at me while she’s bagging her items and putting her change away. To add insult to injury, she puts her purse in the bagging area so I can’t start scanning my items.)

Customer: *finally leaves without saying thanks*

Me: “You’re welcome! Happy New Year to you, too!”

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(I’m a math teacher and am sitting at lunch with another math teacher, a history teacher, and the guidance counselor.)

Other Math Teacher: “I read a great joke yesterday! What do you get when you cut the diameter from the circumference of a pumpkin?”

Me: “I don’t know, what?”

Other Math Teacher: “PIE!”

(He and I burst into laughter while the other two look at us oddly).

Me: “That’s great!”

History Teacher: “You two are losers.”

Me: “But we love it!”

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