The Mindreader’s Burden

, , , | Right | October 13, 2011

(I am helping a man and his nine-year-old daughter.)

Customer: “So, how long do I have to return this?”

Me: “You have 45 days sir. The date is at the bottom of the receipt. Here, it says October 19th is the last day for returns. Today is September 4th.”

Customer: “October 19th? So I only have a week to return this?”

Me: “Um–”

Daughter: “Dad, stop thinking out loud. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

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Unnatural Selection

, , , , | Right | September 19, 2011

(A woman is purchasing a long fish called a dojo loach.)

Customer: “Now, will I need to fill the tank halfway and add some sand for it to crawl onto?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s a fish.”

Customer: *stares in confused silence*

Me: “Fish don’t need to crawl onto land to breathe.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “It will be fine in a full aquarium.”

Customer: “You’d better be right!” *leaves looking dissatisfied*

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His Head’s Up In The Sky, With Diamonds

, , , , , | Right | May 16, 2011

(Our store music system is playing Coldplay’s ‘Viva la Vida’. A customer comes up to me, and starts making small talk.)

Customer: “I love this song!”

Me: “Yeah, I like it too. Although, there is a Swedish singer who does a cover of this. I happen to like that one better.”

Customer: “You listen to Swedish music?”

Me: “Well, not really. I just heard that there was a cover of it. I looked it up and–”

Customer: “This is America, sweetie! You should only listen to American music!”

Me: “Sir, you do know that Coldplay, the band who sings this song, is from England?”

Customer: “No, they’re not! They play this song on the radio! American radio!”

Me: “I assure you, sir. They are from England.”

Customer: “Well, I can’t like this song anymore! Unlike you, I only listen to American music–like The Rolling Stones and The Beatles!”

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This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 13

, , , | Right | April 22, 2011

(I am taking an order from a customer.)

Me: “I have a credit card on file for you. It is a card ending in 4312. Should we use that one?”

Caller: “I have no idea whose card that is, so charge that one.”

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Lindsay Lohan Is Bad For Your Health

, , , | Right | April 1, 2011

(A customer approaches the counter with a very thick accent.)

Customer: “Do you have the herpes?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Do you have the herpes? For the kids?”

Me: “I… uh…”

Customer: “You know? The herpes? Beep beep? Lindsay Lohan?”

Me: “Oh! Yes! We have Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It’s rented out. Can I call you when it’s returned?”

Customer: “You call me when you have the Herpes, yes!”

(The movie is eventually returned. I call the customer to let him know. His wife answers.)

Me: “Hi, this is the movie you reserved was just returned.”

Caller: “Oh! The Herpes! I send my husband. The kids so happy!”

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