My boss buys lunch for the whole office and leaves it out on the front counter.

Coworker: “Is the chicken free game?”

Boss: “Well…”

[Boss] gives me a knowing glance.

Me: “No, it’s fowl.”

[Coworker] groans. [Boss] gives me a grin and thumbs-up.

Boss: “Yes, the chicken is for everybody.”

I am dealing with a first-time buyer at our American car dealer. After spending two hours with her picking out a car, color, accessories, and all, she asks me a question while signing finance statements.

Customer: “So, when can we come to watch it being made?”

Me: “Watch what being made?”

Customer: “Our new car, of course! I have a friend who went to Germany to watch her Audi being made.”

This lady is at our dealer in NEW JERSEY asking for this! If she were in Michigan, MAAAYBE that would happen.

Me: “Ma’am, you are purchasing this actual vehicle that we’ve been dealing with for the past two hours.”

She refused to sign the paperwork, and I lost that sale.

Two of my coworkers are both very proactive and eager to help. Unfortunately, this often translates into “half-hearing one side of a conversation and immediately jumping in with wrong information.” They literally had to have their desks moved further apart because they spent so long every day invading each other’s business and having to counter things being said that they weren’t getting their actual work done.

To make matters worse, two of our customers have near-identical but reversed names; think “Shop Smart” and “Smart Shop.” [Coworker #1] is the representative for “Shop Smart”; [Coworker #2] is in purchasing and is working on getting the parts for a big order “Smart Shop” placed.

[Coworker #1] is walking past and half-hears what’s going on.

Coworker #1: “Oh, is that the ‘Smart’ order?!”

Coworker #2: “Uhhh, yeah.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, great. I thought we couldn’t process that one.”

Coworker #2: “What? Why not? It’s for the new stuff.”

Coworker #1: “No, it’s not. It’s for [product line we no longer carry].”

Me: “Different orders.”

I’m not heard over the two of them talking.

Coworker #2: “What are you talking about? It’s like fifty pieces of [several new products].”

Coworker #1: “No, no, no. Hang on. Oh, this is bad! No, they ordered [old product] right before it was discontinued. I’ve been trying for a month to get this sorted!”

Guy Next To Me: “They’re different orders!”

He is also not heard.

Coworker #2: “That’s not even on this order. What are you—”

Me: *Basically shouting* “HEY, GUYS! Some of us are trying to get other work done! You’re talking about different orders!”

Coworker #1: “No, it’s the ‘Shop Smart’ order!”

Coworker #2: “No! It’s the ‘Smart Shop’ order!”

Coworker #1: “Yes, it… Oh. Hang on. That’s not my order?”

Everyone In Earshot: “NO!”

[Coworker #1] just sort of wandered off, mumbling to herself and sounding confused. [Coworker #2] threw her hands in the air and basically had to start over from scratch, but she at least got it set up right the second time, without any interruptions.

A customer calls our clothing store.

Customer: “How much are your dresses?”

Me: “Can you be more specific about what you’re looking for? We have a large selection.”

Customer: “Just give me the range.”

Me: “Anywhere from $20 to $200.”

My boyfriend and I have a membership to one of those warehouse stores. You know, the type where you can get a three-pack of family-sized cereal, a 200-count box of frozen treats, five-gallon jugs of sauce, and a few shirts all in one trip.

A couple of things we enjoy are part of their monthly round of sales, and because I work literally two blocks away, I offer to just pick them up. [Boyfriend] says no, he’s been dealing with medical stuff and needs to get out of the house more, so we’ll take a trip over together. The problem is that every night I ask, he’s too tired from his own job. This is understandable because he’s at work roughly the time in the morning that my own alarm clock is going off. The weekend comes, and he just wants to recharge. The next week, the cycle starts over; he wants to go but “not tonight/today.”

Finally, one night, I call him up as I’m getting out of work.

Me: “I’m going over to [Store] and picking up the couple of things we wanted. Was there anything new?”

Boyfriend: “What? No, I said I wanted to go with you.”

Me: “Yeah, that was three weeks ago; the sale is ending today.”

Boyfriend: “Mmm… Maybe we can go.”

Me: “You sure? ‘Cause you sound like you’re half-asleep.”

Boyfriend: “Maybe…?”

Me: “Did you lay down in bed when you got home?”

Boyfriend: “I think so, but that was only a minute ago.”

Me: “Babe, you get home at 3:30. It’s 5:45 right now.”

Boyfriend: “What?” *Noises of him moving around in bed* “Oh. Can we go tomorrow?”

Me: “Honey, the sale’s ending today. I’m just going to go pick the things up. Tell you what, once I’m there and I have stuff, I’ll call back when you’re more awake.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, hon, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Me: “I’ll talk to you soon.”

I hang up and shake my head. Yes, he sounds extremely out of it, but after a few years together, I know the difference between “just woke up” out of it and “there’s something wrong” out of it. Sure enough, about fifteen minutes later, I’m in the store, I have already picked up two of the things I am looking for, and I am just wading through the sea of humanity to get to the third when my phone rings.

Me: “Hey, babe!”

Boyfriend: “Hey! What’s wrong?!”

Me: “Nnnnothing? I mean, it’s busy, but nothing unusual.”

Boyfriend: “Why didn’t you call me?”

Me: “I did? I said I was going to [Store].”

Boyfriend: “No, you didn’t. I just woke up to go to the bathroom and saw the time!”

Me: “Hun, check the call logs. I don’t think you actually woke fully up before.”

He takes a second and does so. In the meantime, I’ve gotten the last product and am moving out to the back side of the aisle so I have some room.

Boyfriend: “Oh… You did. Why didn’t I answer?”

Me: “You did, babe. You sounded like you were on some pretty heavy drugs.”

Boyfriend: “I mean, I kind of am!”

Me: “Fair point. I’ve got the shrimp, the chicken, the sauce, and some neat samosa thingies they had out to try. Anything else we need?”

Boyfriend: “Can you see if they’ve got that caramel popcorn stuff?”

Good news: they had the caramel popcorn stuff.

And when I got home and talked to [Boyfriend], he agreed to set an alarm for a bit before I leave work, at least until he’s feeling better and not so lethargic.