Blimey, Guv’nor, This Magazine Is A Bloody Good Read

, , , | Right | February 26, 2010

Customer: “Where are the magazines?”

Me: “Right here. If you have any questions, please ask.”

Customer: “Um, what’s the difference between Cosmo and UK Cosmo?”

Me: “Well, one is more expensive and it looks like they have different articles.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Do you know if UK Cosmo is written in an accent?”

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You Drive Me Crazy

, , | Right | February 22, 2010

(A customer is trying to make a deposit through the drive-up part of the branch, but he’s on foot. Note that we also have a small lobby for walk-in customers.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, this is for cars only. Can you come inside so we can process your transaction?”

Customer: “What difference does it make?”

Me: “It’s against our policy for customers to be on foot at the drive-up window.”

(The customer walks backward, puts his hands as if he was steering a car and walks up to the window again.)

Customer: “VROOM, VROOM! I’m in a car now. Will you help me?”


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Undeveloped Mind

, , , , | Right | February 22, 2010

(I work in a photo lab. I am calling a customer.)

Me: “I am just calling to let you guys know you have pictures here that you dropped off in December.”

Customer: “I don’t have pictures there.”

Me: “Maybe we mislabeled the bag? The pictures are of a family of four celebrating Christmas? Two kids? Boy and girl?”

Customer: “That’s my family, but I don’t have pictures there. To be honest, I think you are trying to scam me into buying pictures I already bought and took home.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “This is the second time you’ve called. I already picked those up and brought them home. You stole those from me and printed them to get more money out of me!”

Me: “Are you saying I broke into your house?”

Customer: “Yes, and I’m calling the police now!”


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Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2009

(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Give me all the f****** medicine!”

(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Oh… okay.”

(He holsters the airsoft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: “Who was that?”

Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store, out of the front door, followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35-year-old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: “Doug started working today.”

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Yeah, But Our Delhis Come With Salami

, , , | Right | April 24, 2008

(Please note that I have a rather generic first name for the US, generic like, say, John or Mike.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Tech Shop, [My Name] speaking. Can I help you?”

Irate customer: “Can I speak to a f****** American?”

Me: “Last time I checked, I’m an American. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, yeah? Well, where are you!?”

Me: “Mount Laurel, New Jersey — in the store you called.”

Customer: “That sounds like it’s in India.”

Me: “Unless New Jersey has moved recently, we’re part of the US.”

Customer: “Just let me speak to an American, d*** it!”

Me: “Yes, sir, please hold.”

(I transferred him to the Wilmington, Delaware store, as we do with many of our irate customers.)


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