(My classmate sees my teacher getting a mint out of his desk as he is asking to go the bathroom.)

Classmate: “Can I have a mint?”

Teacher: “No.”

Classmate: “Why?”

Teacher: “Because then I would have to give everyone a mint.”

Classmate: “Rock-paper-scissors, then.”

Teacher: “No.”

Classmate: “Best out of three.”

Teacher: “Just go to the bathroom.”

Classmate: *as he is walking out of the room, yells* “[Teacher] has mints!”

(Everyone stares at the teacher.)

Teacher: “D*** it, [Classmate]!”

(My mother, some relatives, and I are having a discussion at a family gathering. My mother, a retired state employee now living out of state, is questioning us about the status in the state legislature of a bill increasing her pension to compensate for the increased cost of living. In jest, she pounds on the table and demands her increase. Next thing we know, another relative, not part of the discussion, puts a drink in front of her.)

Mother: “What’s this?”

Relative: “The coke you were demanding.”

(My mother and I burst out laughing. Our discussion had used the acronym for Cost Of Living Adjustment: COLA!)

(It is Mother’s Day. My son is down for his nap and I decide to go do the dishes that are in the sink and sitting on the counter. As I’m collecting the cups, my husband walks over to me and says not to worry about one cup because he will wash it since he used it. I just can’t help myself. I look at him, then to the whole sink of dishes, then back to him again.)

Me: “Really? Oh, happy day! You’re going to wash one whole cup? Oh, my! This really is the best Mother’s Day ever!”

(By now he’s laughing so hard he can’t speak.)

Me: “Oh! Do you think for my birthday you would wash two whole cups? And three on Christmas?”

Husband: *laughing* “Shut up!”

Me: “One whole cup washed that I don’t have to worry about! Oh, my day has come!”

(He really couldn’t stop laughing. And I now have plans to ask him to wash one whole cup come my birthday, Labor Day, Christmas, and any other holiday I can think of. He really is a good husband! I just love messing with him.)

(I am talking to [Customer #1] about a shoe we don’t have in stock when I am interrupted by a second customer.)

Customer #2: “Do you have this shoe in 7.5?”

Me: *scans* “No, ma’am, we have a 7 and 8; would you want to try that?”

Customer #2: “I need 7.5.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we only have 7 and 8.”

Customer #2: “I need 7.5.”

Me: “I don’t have that; would you like to try size 7?”

Customer #2: “Okay, I will try 7.5.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have 7.5; I have a 7 or 8, no 7.5.”

Customer #2: “You don’t have 7.5?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I don’t.”

Customer #2: “Okay.” *walks away*

Customer #1: *looks at me* “Did that really just happen?”

(The establishment I work for is similar to a small-scale grocery store and garden center combined. We offer delivery services to local businesses. The store stops deliveries after two pm. The following exchange happens after six pm.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like two pounds of ham and a pound of cheese for delivery, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we stop deliveries after two pm. I have no staff able to bring it to you right now.”

Customer: “NO, NO! I want to pick it up myself! That’s why I said I wanted it for delivery! God, can’t you listen?!”