My cat loved to sit in an open window and watch the world go by. One day, she jumped down and went to eat her food that was in another room. In the meantime, I closed the window as it was starting to rain.

My cat came back to the window and jumped up, hitting her head on the glass. She fell down, shook her head, and sauntered off like she meant to do that.

From that day forward, she always patted the window before jumping up to ensure there was no glass.

Every company’s internal systems are going to have their unique quirks, weird hiccups, and unnecessary workarounds. It’s always an effort, no matter where you work, to figure out which things can be fixed, which things can be dealt with, and which things you just have to say, “Don’t do it.” For us, the “don’t do it” involves modifying partially-fulfilled items; it tricks the system into retroactively changing what was already fulfilled, which screws up reports, invoices, and stock counts. Instead, we have to “cancel” remaining items and re-add them as a new line. It’s not difficult if done ahead of time but leaves way too much open if being expected to do it mid-process, and we’ve spent years fine-tuning the steps we need to take.

We’re explaining some facets of it to a couple of new employees when someone from the purchasing group walking by decides to interject. She’s got a reputation for a wonderful combo of sticking her nose into things, assuming answers despite only half-hearing, and generally being a know-it-all.

Purchasing Employee: “Well, the reason we’re doing that is that some people weren’t doing their jobs.”

Me: “Nnnno. I mean, technically, yes, but that’s because we were having to do all these extra steps that shouldn’t be necessary if the system was set up right.”

Purchasing Employee: “The system is fine. It’s people who weren’t reading the notes and weren’t doing what they were supposed to. I’ve never seen a company where we had to add new lines to change old lines because people wouldn’t do it right.”

Me: “My point is that if our system was set up like every other system I’ve ever used, this would be an automatic process or something more smartly worked with. It’s like a five-step process on our end to edit a partial line and have it recognized correctly versus a two-step process to pull to a new line.”

Purchasing Employee: “Well, people need to just do things right! When I started here, we used to do things this way all the time, but because some individuals weren’t paying attention and weren’t doing things correctly, that was causing constant issues.”

Me: “I get it. Don’t forget: I was one of those people. I’ve been here longer than you. I was one of the ones that helped us get where we are, so mistakes don’t happen. I was pointing out that we wouldn’t have to do these things if this single aspect of our system was up to the industry standard and we didn’t have to do things literally backward to make it work.”

Purchasing Employee: “Hey, I’d love to have everything automated for me, too, and I’m not saying I never make mistakes, but if people could just follow the steps, we’d be able to do it.”

At this point, I realize she’s not ACTUALLY listening to the person involved and just thinking she knows everything about everything. I eventually just hold up a hand and “Okay, whatever” her until she gets the hint and leaves.

I turn back to our new hire with a smile once she’s out of earshot.

Me: “And that’s why we don’t involve [Purchasing Employee] in conversations.”

New Hire: “Yo… Was she even listening to you, or what?”

Supervisor: “I think ‘or what’ sums her up in general. Thanks for keeping it polite, at least!”

Me: “Mmmmmmhm! I’m gonna go get a coffee and scream into the void for a bit.”

It’s the day before Christmas and I have the next two days off. A close friend and coworker has just come in while I’m about to leave, and I’ve brought a Christmas gift for her. There are only one or two people in the lobby, so we have a coworker watch the concession stand and quickly go to the back — an area that’s partially visible to customers, but is a decent distance away — so I can give her her present.

She opens her present and squeals with delight. We put it in a cupboard in the back for safekeeping and return to the front.

From the time we head back to when we return, we’re gone for maybe sixty seconds. There’s only one customer who is at the concession stand, a middle-aged man, and he’s being helped already. But he suddenly turns and gives me a death stare.

Customer: *Sarcastic and angry* “Nice of you to bring gifts for everyone, jerk!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I said, ‘Nice of you to bring gifts for everyone!’ What, do you only bring gifts for cute girls?! Is that your game?!”

Me: “Um… I brought a gift for my friend since I’m not going to see her again until a few days after Christmas, and I’m about to leave, so this is the only time tonight where I could give it to her.”

Customer: “It’s very rude to bring gifts for one person and not everyone else, you know! F****** a**hole! Where’s my gift?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I only brought a gift for my friend.”

Customer: *Looking at my friend, practically growling* “Give me your present!”

Friend: “What? No!”

Customer: *Raising his voice* “Give it to me!”

Friend: “No, it’s mine.”

Customer: *Turning back to me, furious* “F*** you both! I’ll remember this! Merry f****** Christmas to me, I guess!”

I stuck around for a few extra minutes to make sure he didn’t come back, and I told my manager what happened before I left. Later, my friend texted me and said he actually went to the manager and tried to demand her present. Our manager promptly laughed in his face and told him we’d call the police and have him removed, physically if necessary, if he caused any more trouble. He stormed out and never came back.

I’ve been lucky to mostly work with great people through most of my jobs. Every now and then, however, a real piece of work slips in. This jolly fellow was actually quite pleasant to hang around with off the clock; ON the clock, however, it seemed like everything else on planet Earth was a priority besides what he was actually being paid to do.

It came to a head one day when our manager was out and, being most senior, I was technically in charge of the four resident goons despite not having an official title. It should be noted that we didn’t have individual stations; we had one desk that had the [Shipping Company #1] machine, another desk that had the [Shipping Company #2] machine, and two long benches where we stacked, scanned, and boxed orders.

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], are you gonna get those [Shipping Company #1] boxes done?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I’m on it. Don’t worry.”

Me: “Yeah, starting to worry. You’ve had those two things on the desk for fifteen minutes now. I’ve done literally twenty [Shipping Company #2] orders in that time.”

Coworker: “I’m getting to it!”

Me: “It should not have taken more than five minutes. What—”

At this point, I’d come around the desk. He had some joke-of-the-day site up, full-screened, a Word document with “script” in the title showing in the taskbar, and neither our software nor the [Shipping Company #1] software even open.

Me: “Dude, we’ve got work to do!”

Coworker: “It doesn’t matter. They’re not gonna be here for what, four hours? That’s plenty of time!”

Me: “Yeah, and in those four hours, we’re gonna get about a hundred other orders, with no way of knowing how many for each carrier. We can’t just put it off to the last minute expecting things to be slow all day.”

Coworker: “Whatever. I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll do it when I get back.”

And with that, he just walked off. I finished the [Shipping Company #1] he left behind, and the rest of us continued on. And on. And on.

Fully half an hour later, with all of us wondering what had happened, [Coworker] strolled back in.

Me: “Dude, where have you been?”

Coworker: “It don’t matter.”

Me: “Uh, it does matter when you’re on the clock.”

Coworker: “IT. DON’T. MATTER. Don’t you care about what I’m doing. It don’t matter if I’m in the kitchen making coffee or if I decide to go off to the bathroom and play with myself!”

The other two guys made assorted disgusting noises, and I locked eyes with him. My tone goes ice cold and staccato when I’m angry, which I’m told is accompanied by a “Kubrick Stare.”

Me: “First off, don’t ever say that, around any of us, again. Second, yes, it does matter. I am sick and tired of having to rush at the end of the day to finish the stuff you leave behind.”

Coworker: “Bull! When do you do that?”

Me: “EVERY. DAY.”

Coworker #2: “Pretty much.”

Coworker #3: “Yeah, we got a whole pile right now, man. Stop b****ing and get it worked down!”

Did he, in fact, start doing his job? NOPE. He “needed to cool down,” so he took a walk around the entire corporate center parking lot for ANOTHER half-hour, and when he got back, he was still almost physically shaking with anger and saying he was gonna have it out with the manager when he got back. I had already left a voicemail and email with said manager by that point, and yes, there were cameras to prove that he was gone from the warehouse for an hour straight. The manager “wasn’t allowed to tell me” that they docked him an hour’s pay for those stunts.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt for being a fresh-faced kid with no life experience, but he was a decade older than me and ex-military! Not long afterward, he found another job and put in his two-week notice; they “let him” just leave.

Related:
And Nothing Of Value Was Lost

The state of New Jersey has skipped the “make you pay for single-use bags” at stores and jumped straight to “grocery stores can’t give paper or plastic single-use bags.” Fast food places, restaurants, and other to-go type services can. This was finalized about six months before it went into effect, but some places have tons of signs up and are playing announcements, while others seem to pretend the law isn’t going into effect, and everything in between.

I’ve gone ahead and purchased a pile of reusable bags after stockpiling as many plastic ones as possible. (They’re perfect for the little “food scraps” bin in the kitchen.) The law is now active and bag holders are removed or filled with reusable ones you have to purchase. I make my first purchase with my new bags at one of the stores that DID have signs up everywhere.

Then, I get home and realize I only have the few that had stuff in them. Panicking, I call up the store I went to.

Me: “Hey, um, I’m a bit of an idiot. I think I left a few reusable bags on the self-checkout register? The one all the way on the end by the counter.”

Clerk: “Hold a moment, please.”

The clerk goes off to check, I assume, and comes back with a bit of attitude in her voice.

Clerk: “Can you describe the bags please, sir?”

Me: “Yeah, they’re canvas totes about the size of your old single-use ones, they have obnoxiously long handles and [Brand] stitched on the inside of the rim, and they’re kind of a beige, light tan sort of color?”

Clerk: “…Oh. Yes, we have them. Will you be in to pick them up?”

Me: “Any chance I could grab them on the way in to work tomorrow morning?”

Clerk: “Of course. I’ll be in tomorrow; just ask for [Clerk] at the desk.”

I go in the next morning, and sure enough, she’s there, and after confirming, she hands me the bags.

Clerk: “I’m sorry for giving you the third degree on the phone last night. We’ve had a lot of people trying to scam bags since the law started the other day.”

Me: “Honestly? You asked like two questions, standard check stuff. Let me guess, ‘You never let us know,’ ‘This is illegal,’ ‘I deserve compensation,’ yadda, yadda, yadda?”

Clerk: “Yesss! How did you know?”

Me: “Five-year veteran of the Great Retail Wars at [Other Supermarket] and general hater of average human stupidity.”

She laughed. I thanked her and wished her a good day. I turned to leave… and immediately doubled over laughing when the person behind me tried to say he “deserved free bags” because “nobody told him” about the new law. I don’t think he got them.