(Employee #1 in this story has just recently been hired.)

Guest: “I’d like a latte with soy.”

Employee #1: “Soy?! What’s wrong with regular milk?”

(The guest is taken aback, so another employee steps in to help the new employee.)

Employee #2: “Soy milk is made from beans, whereas regular milk comes from cows—”

Employee #1: “Beans?! I ain’t messing with no beans!” *to guest* “Why do you want that?”

Guest: “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Employee #1: *completely serious* “Oh, girl, are you lactating?!”

(This exchange takes place between myself, my manager, and a very new coworker. This new girl is not exactly the brightest bulb in the box, and both myself and my manager have become very frustrated with her over her first few days because of her added laziness.)

Me: “Hey, [Manager], I think we’re out of fries up here.”

Manager: *to the new girl* “We need french fries, but it’s very busy. Could you run downstairs and grab a few bags?”

New Coworker: “Where are they?”

Me: “Alright, just go downstairs into the room with the freezers. If you open the freezer against the back wall, there will be large, clear bags full of frozen french fries right on top. Could you grab three bags, please?”

New Coworker: *blank stare*

Manager: “French fries. We need fries now, please.”

New Coworker: *still staring blankly* “What’s a… freezer?”

(The pharmacy I work at has just lost several techs at once, so we’ve hired a few new people. One of these new coworkers isn’t working out at all.)

Pharmacist: “Hey, could you help out in the front for a minute? I think [coworker who isn’t working out] could use a hand.”

Me: “Sure. Hi, [regular customer], what can I do for you?”

Regular Customer: “Oh good, I’m trying to get a refill.”

New Coworker: *to Regular Customer* “I keep telling you, you don’t have any!”

Me: *to Regular Customer* “Let me just check on it for you.”

New Coworker: *to me* “Why? I already told him he didn’t have one.”

Me: “Actually, he has enough refills for the rest of the year. What are you looking at?”

New Coworker: “No, you’re wrong. I know what I saw!”

Regular Customer: “I knew I had some. I was starting to think I was going to have to call my doctor. Thank you so much, [my name]!”

New Coworker: *to Regular Customer* “You need to leave right now. GET OUT!”

Me: *to New Coworker* “Whoa, what do you think you’re doing? You do not have ANY authority to kick a patron out.”

New Coworker: “He’s being unruly.”

Me: “What? No, he’s not. You’re just being rude.”

New Coworker: “No, you’re just trying to make me look stupid. I know exactly what I saw.”

(I examine my new coworker’s computer screen.)

Me: “You were looking at the wrong person.”

New Coworker: “No, I wasn’t!”

Me: “Sorry, but the name on your screen is a woman’s. [Regular Customer] is a man. It happens.”

New Coworker: “You changed it!”

Regular Customer: “Are you kidding me? Listen kid, you were wrong. It’s not that big of a deal. It happens. Just man up already.”

New Coworker: “You, shut up! I’m not talking to you, old man!”

(The pharmacist has been listening to the entire conversation. He decides he’s had enough.)

Pharmacist: *to New Coworker* “Get over here, right now!”

New Coworker: *rudely* “I’m BUSY! I’m trying to work, but—”

Pharmacist: “Get your stuff. You’re fired.”

New Coworker: “You can’t fire me!”

(At this point, the store manager also comes over.)

Store Manager: “I can. Get your stuff. You are no longer employed here.”

New Coworker: “YOU CAN’T FIRE ME! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID!”

Regular Customer: “No one has to try and make you look stupid, son. You’re doing a fine job of that all by yourself.”

(My coworker carried on and screamed obscenities. We ended up having to call the police to remove him from the store!)

(My very first job is as a fountain girl at a popular restaurant/ice cream place. Since I work the late shift, I haven’t been trained in proper restaurant abbreviations. The Head Waitress, upon reviewing the night’s orders, comes flying over to me holding one of my orders.)

Head Waitress: “Holy HECK, [My Name], what did you give this customer?!”

Me: *sheepishly* “Um… well, I used ‘FU’ for ‘fudge’ and ‘CK’ for ‘cake’.”

Head Waitress: “Let’s go over abbreviations, shall we?”

(I’m working at my first job. It’s only been a month or two and I’m training a new employee on the registers.)

Me: “So, then, if a customer wants to pay with debit, just hit this button—”

(I look away from my coworker for a moment to show her the screen. When I look back, she is holding the stapler in one hand and staring at a staple embedded in her finger.)

Me: “Oh my God! What happened?!”

Coworker: “I dunno.”

Me: “Do you need first aid? How did you get a staple in your finger?!”

Coworker: “I dunno. I guess I just… stapled it.”

Me: “You stapled your own finger? Why?!”

Coworker: “I dunno.”

Me: “Why don’t you go to the back and see if [Manager] can help you get that out?”

Coworker: “Yeah…”

(Best part: she was promoted over me!)