(I work in a small office, and my coworkers are really easygoing. However, there’s a new employee who takes advantage of that all the time and does very little work. This takes place before Monday lunchtime:)

New Employee: *stares at a computer monitor* “Ugh…”

Coworker: “Are you okay?”

New Employee: “Yeah, I’m just trying to plan which evening I should see my friends.”

Boss: “Do you need the afternoon off?”

New Employee: “Oh no, I’ll manage. It’s just so much to think about, y’know? I have so many friends!”

Coworker: “No, you get yourself home! You’ll be worrying yourself sick!”

Boss: “You’ll get an ulcer!”

New Employee: “Thanks! By the way, I can’t make it in to work tomorrow because I’m seeing my boyfriend, so I’ll see you on Wednesday!”

Me: *flabbergasted*

(My manager has asked me to show a new coworker the ropes. When I go find her, I see that she is wearing very nice, trendy clothes and high-heeled boots.)

Me: Hey, I’m [My Name]. I’ll be showing you the job today. But, before we start, do you have a pair of boots?”

New Coworker: “Um, I’m wearing them?”

Me: “I meant work boots. Steel-toe safety boots are required here. Surely you were told that when you got the job.”

New Coworker: “Well, they said I had to wear boots, so I thought this would be okay.”

Me: “Okay, look: you can’t work in those. I’ll go speak to the supervisor and see if you can start tomorrow instead.”

(I go speak to the supervisor, who agrees that we will send her home to buy boots and she can start the next day. Before she leaves, I repeat the requirements to her.)

Me: “Just to make sure we have no more problems, you need WORK boots. Also, you will need to get a hi-vis safety vest if you don’t have one. Plus, this is kinda dirty work. You might want to wear some older clothes that you don’t mind if they get trashed.”

New Coworker: “Yeah, yeah, sure…”

(Despite what I said, when she comes in the next day she is dressed with the same boots and not safety vest in sight.)

Me: “Where are your boots? And the vest? Didn’t you listen to me yesterday?”

New Coworker: “They’re in the car. The boots are ugly, and that bright yellow is not really my color. I’d look horrible in it. I mean, look at you!”

(I’m wearing ripped, worn jeans, a hi-vis polar fleece, work boots, no make-up, and my hair is thrown up in a bun.)

Me: “Yeah, I don’t look my best, but it’s practical. No one here is gonna care what you look like. Now, you need to put your boots and vest on. We’ve wasted enough time with you screwing around.”

(She obliges and puts on the correct boots and a vest. The first job we do involves climbing under a machine, which requires crawling on the ground to clear a jammed line.)

New Coworker: “Eww, I can’t! I’ll get dirty!”

Me: “I told you to wear something appropriate. You’ll know for tomorrow. Now, go make up crates with those guys over there. They’ll show you how.”

(When I came back, what did I find? Her standing around doing nothing, as she was afraid she would break a nail doing crates. Not surprisingly, she only lasted two days.)

(Note: our computers are really old and crash all the time. We aren’t allowed to close the store unless there’s an emergency, so we have paper forms to do transactions by hand when this happens. We’ve also recently hired a new and relatively clueless manager.)

Me: “Oh, crap. Hey [New Manager], the computers are down again, and rebooting them isn’t working. Can you call comp support so we can get them fixed?”

New Manager: “Oh, sure, just let me lock up the store first.”

Me: “Um, we’re not allowed to lock up the store just because the computers are down.”

New Manager: “If we can’t do business, we have to lock up the store.”

Me: “We do transactions by hand when the computers are down and put them into the computers later.”

New Manager: “But that’s impossible! No one can do business without computers! Business didn’t even EXIST before computers!”

Me: “It’s entirely possible. It just takes a calculator and some patience.”

New Manager: “Well, I’m not doing that s***. I’m going to lock up the store until the computers are up.”

(At this point, the store manager has just come in for her shift and has heard part of our conversation.)

Store Manager: “Actually, you can do transactions by hand or you can be fired.”

New Manager: “You can’t fire me for that!”

Store Manager: “For violating company policy and refusing to do your job? Yes I can!”

(My store is often used to train new managers for other stores. We are currently training a manager who tends to micro-manage everything.)

Manager-in-training: “Alright, before we begin to cut down these boxes that we’re throwing away, let me instruct you on how to use a knife.”

Me: “It’s cool; I’ve been doing this for three years. I know how to use a knife.”

Manager-in-training: *ignores me* “Okay, when you use a knife, always make sure to point the knife AWAY from you!” *demonstrates*

Me: “You do know that I’m an Eagle Scout, right?”

(I pick up a game and take it to the counter. The assistant manager, who I know from my frequent visits, is behind the counter along with a new hire I’ve never seen before.)

New Hire: *grinning at me* “Hey there. How you doing?” *looks down at the game box I’ve handed him and reads it aloud* “Predator: Concrete Jungle…” *glances up at me, still grinning* “So, is this a gift for your boyfriend?”

Me: “Oh, no, it’s for me. I’m a HUGE Predator fan and have been since I was a kid. I have all of the movies and want to get some of the comics.”

New Hire: *still grinning* “So, does that mean you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Me: “No, I have a boyfriend…” *show him my promise ring* “He just prefers games like Call of Duty.”

New Hire: “Oh, so what’s the game for? Just to add to your Predator collection?”

(The assistant manager has heard everything. Tired of his coworker’s stupidity, he speaks up.)

Assistant Manager: “It’s for her to PLAY! She comes in here about the same time every week! All of the games she buys are for her or her younger sister who comes with her sometimes!” *to me* “I’m sorry.”

Me: “That’s okay. I get that a lot.”

New Hire: “Since when are nerdy chicks hot?”

Me: “Riiight… I’ll just take my game and go now.” *to the assistant manager* “See you around.”

(I definitely saw the assistant manager around, but not the new hire—thankfully, he no longer works there.)