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Bi-Curiouser and Curiouser

, , , , , , , | Right | June 30, 2010

(I am speaking Spanish to a customer at the register. I finish the transaction and see the next customer.)

Customer: *speaking loudly and slowly* “Hello! I want to pay cash!”

Me: “Find everything you need today?”

Customer: “Wow! So, you can speak English and Spanish? I didn’t think you spoke any English.”

Me: “Yes, I’m bilingual.”

Customer: “Wow! So, you speak two languages fluently and you’re gay?”

Me: “No, just bilingual.”

Customer: “I heard you the first time, silly! Lots of gay pride in you, huh?”

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Unsolved Mystery Shopper

, , , | Right | March 29, 2010

(A customer walks up with a shirt.)

Customer: “Is this what she was talking about?”

Me: “Who?”

Customer: “My daughter, is this what she was talking about?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “Why? I just want to know if this is what she was talking about.”

Me: “Were you talking with me about clothing?”

Customer: “No, I was talking to her at our house. Is this what she was talking about?”

Me: “Ma’am, I wasn’t with you last night when you were talking with your daughter.”

Customer: “Oh, I know. But, is this what she was talking about?”

Me: “Yes. Yes, it was.”

Customer: “Great! I’ll get it!”

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Jane Austinpocalypse

, , , , , | Right | February 26, 2010

(A teenage customer and his girlfriend are at the checkout.)

Customer: “Does the original Pride and Prejudice actually have zombies in it?”

Me: “Um, no, but we have Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies, which has zombies.”

Customer: “But the original Pride and Prejudice doesn’t have zombies? It’s like, a love story?”

Me: “Yes. It was written in the 19th century. No zombies.”

Customer: *to his girlfriend* “See, I told you so!”

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A Wii Bit Of Borderline Arrogance

, , , , , , | Right | August 18, 2009

Customer: “Do you have any Wiis?”

Me: “No, sir, Wiis are all sold out.”

(Customer pulls out a badge and flashes it briefly.)

Customer: “You sure you don’t have any Wiis?”

Me: “No, sir, no Wiis. What exactly was that badge?”

Customer: “Border Patrol.”

(This being New Hampshire, I have to ask:)

Me: “Which border?”

Customer: “Canadian.”

(Customer walks away with a self-important air.)

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Eau De Customer

, , , , , , | Right | February 2, 2009

(This is a lake town in New Hampshire, so we see a lot of Quebecians in the summer.)

Mother: “What’s wrong with your lake?”

Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

Mother: “Your lake is bad. There’s something nasty in it.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know about that… I myself swim in there fairly often…”

Mother: “Well, your lake has made my son smell like garbage! Your lake must have garbage in it!”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s just not true.”

Mother: “You must have built up resistance or something. Here, smell him.” *pushes son towards me*

Me: “Excuse me? I’d rather not smell your son.”

Mother: “So you admit that he smells like garbage from your lake! You people should do something about this.” *takes her groceries and leaves, smiling in a superior fashion*

Coworker: “Did she seriously want you to smell her son?”

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