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A Merry-No-Sound

, , , | Related | August 24, 2012

(I’m about three and it’s my first time riding a horse. The only other types of horses I’ve ridden are the carousel horses at fairs.)

Mom: “How are you doing, sweetie?”

Me: “Where’s the music?”

Mom: “What?”

Me: “The other horses at the fairs play music. Why won’t this one?!”


This story is part of our Horse roundup!

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The Jean-Grey To My Scott Summers

, , , , | Romantic | April 22, 2012

(My husband and I are in a comic book store looking at collectable comics. I pick up an old X-Men comic.)

Me: “Hey, hun. What would happen if you cut off Wolverine’s head? Would he grow a new head, or a new body?”

Husband & Store Owner: “What?”

Me: “Or, would his head grow a new body, his body grow a new head, and end up with two Wolverines?”

Husband: “Wolverine has an adamantium spine. You can’t cut his head off.”

Me: “But, what about before he got the adamantium? What if someone had cut his head off? And if then it had made two Wolverines, would they have worked together, or would they have tried to kill each other until the end of time?”

Store Owner: “I don’t know where you found her, buddy, but never let her go.”

Let It Rip

, , , , | Right | April 11, 2011

(I work at a music store, which also sells tickets to local concerts. I have just finished selling tickets to this customer.)

Customer: “What happens if these get ripped?”

Me: “Most of the venues will still take the ticket as long as you have all of the pieces and the concert information is legible. If the tickets do get ripped, though, be sure to call the venue ahead of time. Just to be sure they’ll still honor them.”

Customer: “I went to [well-known amusement park] and they wouldn’t let me in because my ticket was ripped.”

Me: “Oh, that’s too bad.”

Customer: “I saw them ripping the tickets as people went in. I ripped mine while waiting in line, to save time. Do you know how this place will rip the tickets? I’d like to do it before I get there.”

Me: “I thought you were talking about accidentally ripping the tickets. Yeah, I have no idea how this place will rip the tickets. You really shouldn’t rip any tickets on purpose.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “You never know if the ripped ticket will still be honored. You might end up not getting in and wasting your money.”

Customer: “But it saves time!”


This story is part of the Impatient Customers roundup!

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Just Another Mild Mannered Horse

, , , , | Right | February 23, 2011

(I work in the barn, where I explain the rules of our corn maze. There are usually two or three horses in there as well, one of which is white.)

Customer: “That is a beautiful unicorn.”

Me: “He’s a handsome boy all right. Just missing the horn. You can pat him if you like.”

Customer: “But he is white, and strong like unicorn! They are very strong.”

Me: “He would make a very nice unicorn. He’s a Percheron, though, so no horn.”

Customer: “He must hide his horn, to protect! He cannot always be a unicorn!”


This story is part of our Unicorn roundup!

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Losing Cruise Control

, , , , , | Right | February 16, 2011

(I am working in the fitting room when a woman walks up to my counter.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How many items?”

Customer: “You don’t sell winter jackets, do you? I didn’t see any. Nothing like this that I bought at [Other Store]. This cost me only eighty-nine dollars!”

Me: “That’s very nice, ma’am.”

(I try to remain friendly as the woman shows me her jacket, her purse, and the shoes she is currently wearing. This goes on for about ten minutes.)

Customer: “You know, I went on a cruise a few weeks ago. Now I need to buy a swimsuit, but I don’t suppose you have any, do you?”

Me: “Actually, we just got a bunch of bathing suits in a few weeks ago. They’re over in the corner of the women’s department.”

(The customer spends about ten more minutes telling me about all of the different cruises she had been on. I’m trying not to be rude, but I have other customers who are trying to get into the fitting room. One by one they go in, and one by one this customer stops them to tell them about all of her cruises. All in all, this lasts for about fifteen more minutes.)

Customer: “And would you believe that I’m fifty-eight years old! I look great for my age, don’t you think? It’s because of all of the cruises I’ve been on! At least two a year. I’m very rich.”

Me: “That’s nice, ma’am.”

(Eventually, the customer’s husband comes over and grabs her by the arm.)

Customer’s Husband: “Why are you still over here?! You’ve been here for nearly half an hour.”

Customer: “Oh, I was just telling this nice young lady about all of the cruises you’ve taken me on!”

Customer’s Husband: “You’ve never been on a god d*** cruise in your entire life, you old bat!”


This story is part of our Bickering Couple roundup!

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