(I work in an adult store that sells tobacco products and adult novelties. A female customer under thirty years of age approaches after browsing through the shop for several minutes.)

Customer: “So, do you guys accept EBT or, like, the food credit stuff?”

Me: *completely and utterly baffled and astounded that someone would even ask this* “No.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I just got it, and I’m not really sure what it can be used for. Thanks.” *walks out the door*

Me: *waits until the door fully closes, then puts my head in my hands and strongly considers putting my head through the counter* “Wow. Just wow…”

(I am in Honors French 3, and we are learning verbs that have to do with love and hate. Our teacher is trying to get us to write a story about love. This all takes place in French. Sophie and Jacques are the story’s characters.)

Teacher: “So, Jacques tries to find Sophie but he can’t, and starts crying. Then what?”

Student #1: “Sophie comes over.”

Teacher: “And asks, ‘Why are you crying?’ And he says, ‘I thought I’d never find you.’ And then what happens?”

Student #2: “Sophie kills Jacques!”

Teacher: “With what?”

Student #3: “A fork!”

Teacher: “How?”

Student #4: “She stabs him in the eye, then the ear.”

Teacher: “So, Jacques falls to the ground, and then what happens?”

Student #5: “Sophie eats Jacques!”

Teacher: “This is in a park… What do the people walking by say?”

Student #6: “They also start eating Jacques! It’s a buffet!”

(We all found this hilarious and couldn’t stop laughing. The teacher called our sense of humor macabre.)

(A guy walks into our outlet store carrying a bottle of wine.)

Customer: “I want to return this bottle.”

(He takes it out of the brown bag and I see it has already been opened and some wine has been removed.)

Me: “That’s fine. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Yes, here it is.”

Me: “Can I ask why you are returning it?”

Customer: “I didn’t realize it had alcohol in it.”

(My boss is either from India or a first-generation US citizen, as are the manager and two other employees. Every few months we’ll have an Indian temp who is either saving up for their new life in the States, or just looking for work experience abroad. I’m working with one of the temps when she needs something from the cabinet under the open register.)

Me: “Careful, the drawer’s open.”

Temp: “I’ll sue.”

Me: *nodding* “Good, you understand how America works.”

(I work in a store in the mall that sells higher-end clothing. We have different “styles” — casual, evening, business attire, etc. — in the main women’s room. A customer comes in and I do my whole routine.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Store]! Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Do you sell skirts?”

Me: “What kind of skirt are you looking for?”

Customer: *getting a little impatient* “A skirt. Do you sell them?”

Me: “Well, yes. But they’re scattered throughout the store.”

Customer: “Show me.”

(I start showing the customer where we have all of our skirts. By the time we get to the back of the store, she’s clearly disinterested.)

Me: “…and here are the pencil skirts.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me where the pencil skirts were?! God, can’t you teens do anything right?”

(The customer then stormed out of the store.)