Almost A Recipe For Disaster

, , , | Right | February 8, 2018

(A customer walks up to the register with a cookbook.)

Customer: “Can you please tell me how many recipes are in this cookbook?”

Me: “Um…”

(I look at the book and don’t see a specific number anywhere, so I point to the table of contents.)

Me: “This many.”

Customer: “Okay.” *proceeds to count out the number of recipes in the cookbook*

We Should All Have A Sausage Man As A Friend

, , , , , | Related | February 7, 2018

(I am at a restaurant with my dad. He’s in his 60s, and not an unintelligent person, but he never did well in school, and he frequently asks me how to spell certain words. He also has a very… unusual sense of humor.)

Dad: “[My Name], how do you spell ‘sausage’?”

Me: “S-A-U-S-A-G-E.”

Dad: “Thank you. I’m texting my friend Jim the Sausage Man.”

(He went on texting as if that was a totally normal thing to say.)

Starter For Ten

, , , , | Right | February 5, 2018

Patient: “I wanted to give you my new number.”

Employee #1: “Okay, whenever you’re ready.”

Patient: *navigates through phone menu* “[Number], [number], [number], four, six, one, ten.”

Employee #1: “Uh, can you give that to me again? I think we have an extra digit in there.”

Patient: *navigates through phone menu again* “[Number], [number], [number], four, six, one, ten.”

Employee #1: “Okay, you’re giving me eight digits. Can you just read me out the actual numbers?”

Patient: *navigates through phone menu again* “Uh, I have to get to it again! [Number], [number], [number], four, six, one, ten.”

Employee #1: “That’s still eight digits.”

Employee #2: “Why don’t you try calling us and we’ll see if it pops up on the caller ID?”

Patient: *fumbling with phone* “I don’t think I have any minutes!”

Employee #1: “Do you want me to take a look at the screen and see if I can figure it out?”

Patient: *navigates through phone menu AGAIN*  “Okay, it’s [number], [number], [number], five, four, six, one, ten.”

Employee #1: “Now that’s nine digits.”

Patient: “Let me write it down!”

(The patient wrote down [number], [number], [number], four, six, one, zero.)

Dinner Before Derriere

, , , , , , | Healthy | January 31, 2018

(It’s my very first appointment with a GYN Oncologist, and he has to examine my tumor, which has grown in the space “between the playground and the sewer.” There is a female nurse attending who is slightly older than both the doctor and me.)

Doctor: “Unfortunately, [My Name], I’m going to have to do a rectal exam, also.”

Me: *resigned to it, but salty* “Whoa! On the first date, even!”

Older Nurse: *totally taken aback* “But this is a safe date! This is for your health and well-being!” *several more comments indicating that she’s horrified at what I said*

Doctor: *never missing a beat* “Yeah, but I didn’t even buy her dinner!”

(Gotta love a doctor with a sense of humour!)

Nothing Plain About This Order

, , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(I am in the car with my mother and brother, and we stop by the drive-thru of a popular chain coffee and donut shop.)

Employee: “Welcome to [Restaurant], how may I help you?”

Mom: “Could I have a small white hot chocolate and a small plain hot chocolate, please?”

Employee: “Okay, so, two large hot chocolates?”

Mom: “No. A small white hot chocolate and a small plain hot chocolate.”

Employee: “So, a small white hot chocolate and a large plain hot chocolate?”

Mom: “No! A small white hot chocolate and a small plain hot chocolate.”

Employee: “Two small plain hot chocolates?”

Mom: “NO! A small white hot chocolate and a small plain hot chocolate, please!”

(Much to our alarm/amusement, the employee begins laughing!)

Employee: “Okay, a small white hot chocolate and a small plain hot chocolate?”

Mom: “YES. Thank you!”

(To this day I still have no idea what was going through that employee’s mind. I sure do know what was going through my mom’s!)

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