(I am working the cash one busy day. A customer is disputing the price of some items.)

Customer: “Well, the sign said these were 3 for $1. That’s why I was buying them.”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but these are $1.25 a piece… they always have been. Would you still like to purchase them?”

Customer: “Well, the sign on the display has them at 3 for $1. I want them, but at that price.”

Me: “Madam, I can see the display from here and I don’t see the sign you are referring to. In fact, I set up that display myself last night. I can assure you there are no such signs on the display. Would you still like to purchase the items?”

Customer: “Look, it’s right there! Can you not see? It says everything on that shelf is 3 for $1!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I still don’t see the sign to which you are referring madam.”

Customer: “IT’S RIGHT THERE ON THE TOP! The green and yellow sign with number 3 on it!”

Me: “You mean the sign that says aisle 3?”

Customer: “Exactly! Now…oh…”

(The customer turns beet red and remains silent for the rest of the transaction. When the next customer in line comes up, she speaks.)

Next Customer: *joking* “If that’s what the signs on each aisle mean, I think I’ll do all my shopping in aisle 7!”

Guest: “So, is this hotel open 24 hours?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Guest: “Really?”

Me: “Yes, otherwise we would have to kick everyone out at 11 pm so we could go home.”

This story is part of our Weird Hotel Guests roundup!

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(I don’t work in tourism though I must seem like a friendly person since I do get a lot of people stopping me to ask questions of where things are.)

Tourist: “Are you familiar with the area? Do you live around here?”

Me: “Yes, I do. What can I help you with?”

Tourist: “I’m looking for a cathedral in this area somewhere.”

Me: “Okay, which one in particular? There’s about four around here.”

Tourist: “I’m looking for a Catholic cathedral.”

Me: “Okay, let me think… The Anglican church is that way; there’s one near but I don’t know what it is, one over up the street a ways–”

Tourist: “I don’t want no Anglican church! Bloody Anglican wh*res! I want Catholic!”

Me: “I think it’s that one right over there.” *I point at the church*

Tourist: “Yes, that’s a cathedral. It had better not be Anglican or I’ll hunt you down!”

(A couple in a car comes through the drive-through.)

Me: “Hello, [Store]. May I take your order?”

Customer: “Do you know of anywhere around here that is open at this time of night and sells condoms?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. Everything is closed.”

Customer: “All right, thanks.”

(The customer drives away, and comes back fifteen minutes later.)

Me: “Hello, [Store].  May I take your order?”

Customer: “Hi, could I have a blueberry muffin wrapped in lots and lots of plastic wrap?”

This story is part of our Customer Situations That Will NOT End Well roundup!

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Me: “Okay, sir. Since doing that doesn’t seem to be working, can you clear your cache and cookies again and restart your computer, please?”

Caller: “Okay.”

(I hear fumbling on his line of the phone.)

Me: “Sir, just a quick question. Are you on a desktop computer or a laptop?”

Caller: “It’s on a desk.”

Me: “Okay, next question, does the monitor fold down onto the keyboard?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Does the monitor and keyboard have wires going from them to a big box with lights on it?”

Caller: “That’s way too technical for me to understand.”

Me: “Can you take it around with you around your home?”

Caller: “I’ve heard of flexible computer that people can fold up and take with them everywhere.”

Me: “That’s a laptop, sir. Is that what you have?”

Caller: “I still can’t login!”