Smurfs Versus Gargamel With The Lightning Gun

, , , , , | Healthy | January 2, 2019

(I am getting my top two wisdom teeth removed and the dentist gives me two little pills to swallow in order to get me through the procedure. My father was to this dentist for the same thing about two weeks prior and he had some… interesting hallucinations from it. Now it is my turn. I do remember some of this, but it was retold to me by my wife several hours later after the drugs wore off. This occurs during the time I am in the waiting room until I sit down in the chair.)

Me: “I’m… really feeling it now.”

Wife: “Okay, just lay your head down on my shoulder. They said it should act pretty fast.”

Me: *waking back up a bit* “We almost got them.”

Wife: “Huh? You almost got who?”

Me: “The Smurfs… They’re going rogue… I’m having a war with the Smurfs…”

Wife: “Oh, really?”

Me: “Yeah… yeah… Had to take out Joker Smurf… He was putting down IED presents… A sniper got him… Saved all of us…”

Wife: “Okay, well, just be careful.”

Me: *waking back up again and finding myself shuffling with her help and the nurse* “Brainy… Brainy stole our Blackhawk… I got him with the LAW… Had to blow it up…”

Nurse: *laughing really hard* “What is going on?”

Me: “Smurfs attacked… Brainy stole a helicopter… Gargamel… Gargamel is behind it all… He got big… like a video game boss… Commander killed him with a lightning gun…”

(My wife and the nurse are laughing like crazy as I’m laid back into the chair and start to doze off. Suddenly I bolt upright and look out the window.)

Me: “OH, MY GOD! LOOK AT THAT TURKEY!”

(At this point the dentist has come in and I hear him laughing.)

Dentist: “Turkey? You mean that bush?”

Me: “NO! It’s HUGE! AND PURPLE!”

(I guess I passed back out at that point and they were able to get my teeth pulled with no problems. I remember the Smurf War and could write a book about it, but the turkey thing was new to me. If I ever have to get teeth pulled again, whatever they gave me is what I’d request again! My wife wishes she had recorded it all… So do I.)

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This Practice Is Now Dead To Them

, , , , , , | Healthy | December 24, 2018

(I have worked at a veterinarian office as a receptionist for the last ten years and know how to read people pretty well. At this particular practice, pets that are getting procedures done are scheduled to be dropped off no later than 8:30 am. This means that by the time I come in at 9:00 am, all the procedure pets are already at the office. The first thing I do is check the schedule to see what appointments are due to come in. A husband and wife come into the office looking visibly distressed. The husband is holding a bundle of towels in his arms very protectively. This is common for people who are coming in with very sick or old pets. I motion for them to come over to my desk.)

Me: “What’s going on there?”

Husband: “This is [Dog].”

(He looks like he is about to cry and doesn’t elaborate the reason for his visit. I remember from looking at the schedule that there is a pet by the same name due to come in to get euthanized. The office has a very strict euthanasia policy. The doctor must examine the pet prior to the procedure, and if the pet appears healthy we will not euthanize. I can partially see the pet wrapped in the towels and can tell that it matches the breed due to come in, but looks it to be healthy. I make a note in the chart so the doctor knows what he is getting into when he does the exam. I motion for them to follow me into the room we leave open for pets that are getting put to sleep.)

Wife: “[Doctor] said we can wait in the office until the procedure is over.” *sniffing into a tissue*

Me: “You can stay as long as you like; there is no rush. If you like you can even stay in the room with her. Let me just get you to fill out the forms, and I will let the doctor know you are here.”

Wife: “We already filled these out.” *barks at me without looking at the forms*

Me: “Okay, let me check your account and see if I can find them.”

(I check the account, and I don’t see any signed euthanasia forms.)

Me: “I am so sorry, but I was unable to find the signed forms. Do you mind filling them out again for me?”

Wife: “Fine.” *goes to sign forms again without looking at them*

Husband: “EUTHANASIA! WHAT THE F***?! [Dog] is here for a [drop-off procedure]!”

Wife: “WHAT?! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE H*** WERE YOU THINKING?! WHAT IF I SIGNED THAT?! YOU WOULD HAVE KILLED MY DOG!”

Me: “I am so sorry. It was an honest mistake, but don’t worry; we never would have euthanized your pet. [Doctor] always does an exam…”

Wife: “NO! You tried to kill my puppy!”

(Both husband and wife left the room, all the while yelling that I tried to kill their dog to all the other clients in the waiting room. I went straight to the office manager and let her know what happened. I let her know that I didn’t know that there were two dogs that have the same name and breed due to come in on the same day, as well as having a drop-off procedure come in later then is required. I admitted that I didn’t ask the client’s name and that was my mistake. My office manager agrees that it was an honest mistake and anyone would have made the same one. Later an agent from the Better Business Bureau called and took my statement about the incident, and I never heard anything about it again, nor did those clients ever come back.)

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No One Speaks English Anymore…

, , , , , | Right | December 12, 2018

Me: “[My Department], this is [My Name]; may I help you?”

Caller: “I’m glad you speak American.”

Me: *to myself* “I take it you were an American major in college?”

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We Honestly Don’t See A Problem With Giant Tacos

, , , | Hopeless | December 9, 2018

(I work at fast food restaurant which is known to not only make food only when you order it, but also has tacos that people absolutely love, served among the burgers and other items. It’s Black Friday, and the location I’m at is directly across from a popular national box store, so we’ve been pretty swamped. To make matters worse, we’ve run out of those precious tacos until our delivery arrives. People have not been kind about the lack of tacos, at all. We have a monster-sized taco, about the size of two and a quarter or so of the regular tacos, but it is more expensive. The lunch rush has just started to die down when a couple comes in and makes their order. Of course the husband wants tacos, and I’m dreading telling him.)

Me: “I’m sorry to let you know… we’re out of the tacos until the truck arrives in about two hours. We don’t have any until then.”

(I’m bracing for the tirade I’ve heard for the previous two hours straight.)

Customer: “Oh, well… D***. Do, uh… do you happen to have those big tacos?”

Me: “Uh… ye… yeah! We still have those!”

Customer: “OKAY! I’ll do one of those.” *turns to his wife* “Cutie, serious, they’re like… this big. The size of your freaking face. They’re pretty much two tacos in one freaking taco!”

(His wife chuckles and rolls her eyes.)

Customer: “What can you do? It’s Black Friday and those tacos are disgustingly addictive. At least you have the big ones.”

(This has actually put me in a much better mood, so I stutter a thank-you and adjust the price down to what two tacos would normally be.)

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, you didn’t need to do that. It’s fine if it’s a bit more.”

Me: “No, it’s okay. Like he said, it’s basically two tacos in one, anyway. You have a great day!”

Both: “Thank you so much; Merry Christmas!”

Customer: “…even though it’s still a bit early to say it!”

(Thank you. Both of you. Thank you for being understanding and giving me a boost when I needed it the most! The truck even arrived a little early, and I suggested the big tacos to everyone right away when people asked for the two regular tacos… and they were all very understanding, too. Thank you for giving me that idea through your act of understanding, as well.)

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Unfiltered Story #127682

, , , | Unfiltered | November 27, 2018

I work as a cashier for a sporting goods store. It’s baseball season, and a couple with their 3 kids are in line with a pile of baseball gear. The family is working through an extended transaction at my counter, the mother having committed the deadly sin of finding a coupon AFTER the initial sale was completed. While the parents stay at my counter as we work through honoring the coupon, the kids step off to the side, goofing off as kids do. I’m typing the receipt information into the computer when this happens…)

Mother: “Hey! Hey! You do NOT touch my children!”

(I look up to see and older man trying to walk behind the couple, only to be stopped by the mother stepping in front of him.)

Mother: “You do NOT touch my children! That is unacceptable!”

Man: *leans forward and cups his hand around his ear* “I can’t hear you.”

(he man is well into his 60s, so it’s not hard to assume that he has a bit of trouble hearing her. As the man leans forward, the mother literally grabs onto his shirt and holds him as she continues yelling.)

Mother: “That is unacceptable! You do NOT touch my kids!”

Man: “You’re crazy, lady. Let go of me.”

(The older man scoffs and tries to push past the mother. The husband steps around his wife and literally forces himself into the older man’s face.)

Husband: “You better back up, m**********r.”

(The older man, wise enough to avoid a fight, backs up and finds another way around the family. The mother turns back to me, just as I’m finishing re-ringing their items.)

Mother: “That was completely unacceptable, He SHOVED my child out of the way. My child was just standing there holding my little baby. That was unacceptable.”

(In reality – according to my manager – the child was not roughly shoved but gently pushed out of the man’s way. Despite the fact the no one was injured during the indecent, the mother continues to vent to myself and my manager about how unacceptable it was for another person to touch her son. Thankfully, they complete their transaction without further indecent and leave for their son’s baseball game. If that’s how she reacts when someone gently pushes her child out of the way, I’d hate to see how she acts when the umpire makes a bad call.)