Tastes Like The Third Reich

, , , | Right | March 5, 2020

(We’re at a small local restaurant eating dinner. My grandparents have just finished their appetizer of shrimp gazpacho, a soup traditionally served cold. My grandmother raves about the soup and calls the waitress over.)

Waitress: “Yes, ma’am?”

Grandmother: “I just loved that soup! How often do you serve that shrimp gestapo?”

(Being a history major, I practically drop my fork and burst out laughing.)

Waitress: “You mean gazpacho?”

Grandmother: *realizes her error* “YES! GAZPACHO!”

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Resident Evil

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2020

(I work security in a gated community. As roving patrol, I do write speeding tickets. I witness a woman driving 40 in a 15 mph zone, almost hitting a lady pushing a stroller, and ticket her. She comes to the clubhouse to speak to me.)

Resident: “Are you, uhh… [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Resident: “This ticket is bulls***, and you writing it is a b**** move. I wasn’t going 40; my speedo said 24!”

Me: “So, by admission, you were still speeding.”

Resident: “No, f*** you. You guys can’t even fix half the problems we have around here and you’re off pulling this BS. You can take this ticket and shove it.”

Me: *smiling and polite* “Okay, see you later! Also, this conversation will be noted.”

Resident: “Yeah, whatever. They won’t do anything anyway.”

(The ticket and the notes were passed on to the security chief and COO of the association. The lady was fined $316. Basically, her dues doubled that month for the homeowners’ association.)

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Unfiltered Story #187717

, , | Unfiltered | March 2, 2020

*im a game attendant at a chuck e cheese, and a 13 yr old kid stopped me to tell me about a game that took his tokens*
Kid: “This game stole my tokens.
Me: *opens coin door and gives credits for another game* “I don’t have any tokens on me right now, but I put a credit in the game so go ahead and play, and I’ll get those tokens to you as soon as I can.” *turns to another guest to help them* “With this game–”
Kid: “So where’s my money?”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Kid: “Give me my tokens.”
Me: “I don’t have any on me right now, I’ll get them to you as soon as I can.” *turns to other guest, now feeling bad*
Kid: “You tryin steal from me.”
Me: “I am not.”
Kid: “Then where’s my money?”
Me: *sarcastically feels around pockets* “Not on me.”
*i help the other guests with their game and go to the cashier to get me tokens.*
Me to cashier: “Hey this kid is being a little ridiculous. Can you get me some tokens?”
Cashier: “How so?” *starts dispensing tokens*
Kid: *walks to counter* “Where’s my money?”
Me: “I’m getting it right now.”
Kid: “You tryin to rip me off.”
Me: “I’m trying to help you.” *gives him two tokens*
Kid: “Where’s the rest?”
Me: “As I told you, I added credits to the game for you to play.”
Kid: *points to cashier* “Are you the manager?”
Cashier: “No, what appears to be the problem?”
*i start walking away*
Kid: “You guys tryin to rip me off.”
Cashier: *speaks loudly into headset* “[Manager] would you like to speak to this child? He’s being absurd.”

Unfiltered Story #187661

, , | Unfiltered | February 29, 2020

My store currently has a display of adult coloring books, and I am working the register closest to it and to the front doors. A woman comes storming inside and marches up to the display. I welcome her, but otherwise don’t pay much attention to her as I am serving a long line of queued customers. Until…

Coloring Book Woman (CBW): (screaming at the top of her lungs) HOW MUCH ARE THE BOOKS?!

Me: Prices vary. Each book has its price listed above the barcode on the back. We also have a price scanner right there on the end of that aisle if you want to scan it.

CBW: I CAN’T TELL HOW MUCH THESE ARE!

Me: Again, prices vary and are listed above the barcode on each book. That one you’re holding is $9.99.

CBW: WHAT ONES HAVE BUTTERFLIES?

Me: Well, the ones with butterflies on the covers are a good place to start. Like that one, “Art Deco Butterflies.”

(The CBW comes storming over to my register with several books in hand. She SLAMS them down on top of the merchandise of the customer I am currently serving and shoves the elderly woman out of the way)

CBW: HOW MUCH ARE THESE? LET ME BUY THEM.

Me: (in my “mom” voice). No, you need to wait your turn. I am currently serving this guest here. I told you the prices are on the back, and there is a customer price-scanner right over there. Now please move out of the way.

CBW: I WON’T UNTIL YOU HELP ME!

(The customer I am serving is a regular who I have good rapport with and who knows our store gets more than its fair share of crazies for some reason, so she motions for me to go on and help the CBW a little bit).

Me: Here, let me show you where the prices are. See, right here over the top left corner of the barcode, it says $9.99. Each book has its price displayed this way.

CBW: Well aren’t you a presumptuous little b****! How DARE you ASSUME I can read! Can you BE any more classist or ableist?!

(I’m in shock and can think of nothing to say that won’t get me fired. The little old lady regular comes to my aid though and saves the day.)

Regular: Well, she’s not presumptuous or a b****, but you’re right, she shouldn’t have assumed you can read. I mean, you only have 3 teeth at, what, 45 years old? You can’t use an inside voice to save your life, apparently. And you couldn’t manage to get both boobs tucked into your shirt today, so you’re right, she should have known something like reading was beyond your abilities. Good job correctly using your vocabulary words for the day, though! (Seriously, the lady had her shirt’s neckline pulled down around one (bra-clad) breast so that it was completely hanging out).

(CBW walked out, and that regular will definitely be getting good discounts for awhile :)

Unfiltered Story #187077

, , | Unfiltered | February 27, 2020

I work at a store where customers believe they can bargain down prices, but as simple employee I can’t give them any.

(Woman spends over 30 minutes picking out a dress with her boyfriend. She says this as I’m checking her out.)
“All, right. That will be $46.93,” I tell her.
“Discount.”
(I look at her confused) “I’m sorry?”
(Slightly annoyed) “DISCOUNT.”
(Me, finally catching on) “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
(She then sighs heavily and pays me with a hundred dollar bill.)