He’s Plugged His Brain Into Itself

, , , , | Right | August 28, 2019

(I am taking a room payment through fax for a guest. I have faxed the required paperwork that needs to be filled out and I am waiting for the return fax. The person sending the fax calls me.)

Guest: “Did you receive that fax?”

Me: “No, not yet.”

Guest: “When I send it I get a busy signal.”

Me: “I am not sure why that would happen. We have not received any faxes.”

Guest: “I also notice that your number is the same area code as mine. It is a California number. Why would that be if you are in Las Vegas?”

Me: “Sir, are you sending that fax to your own number? I wrote it on the cover sheets as the destination. Our number is listed in the paperwork instructions and as the sender on the cover letter I sent you.”

Guest: “So, I can’t send it to my number?”

Me: “No, you have to send it to our number. It works like a phone. You cannot call someone else by dialing the number you are calling from. It just doesn’t work that way.”

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“Use The Force, Harry,” Said Gandalf

, , , , , , | Related | August 16, 2019

(My older brother decides we are going to watch a movie one afternoon, and my mom shouts down the hall to invite my younger brother.)

Mom: “We’re getting ready to watch a Star Trek movie, if you want to join.”

Younger Brother: “Which one?”

Me: *walking past his room* “The one where The Doctor takes the One Ring to the planet Hoth because Professor Xavier told him to.”

Younger Brother: “Which one is that? Can’t you give me the title, instead?”

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A Ballooning Sense Of Entitlement

, , , , | Right | June 22, 2019

(It’s about 3:00 pm on a busy Saturday at the grocery store where I work. We have every check stand open and there is a line at each of them. A woman and her child, maybe around two or three, are at my register and I’ve got a line of four people behind her.)

Customer: “Oh, by the way, can I get a balloon for her? She loves coming here since the last checker gave her a balloon!”

(We don’t usually give out balloons; they are decorations that sit on top of our display cases for sales, new products, etc.)

Me: “Oh, sorry, but we are unable to give out balloons right now.” *looks at the little girl* “But I can give you some stickers! Do you want to pick some out?” *hands her our sheet of stickers*

Woman: “UGH, no.” *snatches the stickers from her daughter who just looks confused* “The last time they gave us a balloon! If she leaves here without one, she will be disappointed!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot give out balloons right now.”

(To give her a balloon would require me to leave my check stand with a line, get a ladder, and climb to the top of the closest soda display and take one down. I’m not going to make everyone else wait because she wants a balloon.)

Customer: *talks to her daughter, ignores me* “Guess we will just need to shop at [Competitor] from here on out, since they give you balloons there!

(She shoots me a dirty look.)

Me: *holding eye contact* “Yeah, maybe you should do that. Sounds like it would be for the best.”

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So, It Used To Belong To Bad Customers, Then…

, , , , | Working | June 19, 2019

(I work as a cashier for a store that employs about 20 to 25 people, depending on the season. Our store has recently hired a few new people, one of whom is working a part of my shift. Our store allows cashiers to keep food and drink at their registers as long as it remains out of sight. I usually bring a water bottle with me, but today I’ve filled it with cranberry juice instead of water, making it look dark red instead of clear. I go behind the main counter, set my bottle down, and talk with the new hire, my manager, and one of my regular coworkers. I’m known around my store for having a quirky, slightly dark sense of humor.)

Coworker: *points to bottle* “What’s in here?”

Me: *deadpan and without thinking* “The blood of my enemies.”

(My manager, coworker, and the new hire start laughing.)

New Hire: “I like you.”

(Thankfully, most of the staff has worked with me long enough to appreciate my odd sense of humor. The new girl will fit in just fine.)

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A Gift Card That’s A Real Gift

, , , , , , | Hopeless | May 31, 2019

A few years ago, I went to a large software conference. One of the vendors invited about 50 of us to go to a local fast food restaurant. In order to expedite things, they gave us each a $10 gift card — a typical meal here would be $6-$8. While we were outside waiting for the rest of the group, a panhandler approached us and asked for money for food.

My coworker and I said we’d be happy to give him the remainder on the gift cards after we ordered. A couple of other people in our line overheard me and offered the same.

Pretty soon, the word had made it through every person in line. As we all handed the gift cards to the guy, he was literally dancing, saying he didn’t have to worry about food for the rest of the week.

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