Unfiltered Story #105413

, , | Unfiltered | February 12, 2018

(Over a year ago I landed a dream job. Might not be my dream position, but the company is a dream to work for. As such, I’m usually very happy all the time and talkative with my awesome coworkers. They know me to be a bit of a nut and I jokingly say they only put up with me because of the treats my wife brings them since she’s a professional baker.)

“Huh…You know what I just realized?” – me

“Uh oh…what?” – coworker

“We’ve been denied the greatest fight never put to film!” – me

“What one is that? Do I want to know?” – coworker

“You KNOW you do. We’ve never seen Rocky in a boxing match with Conan!” – me

“The barbarian?!?!” – coworker

“YEAH!!! I mean, he’s fought Mr T…he even beat up He-Man!” – me

My coworker looks at me slightly confused when I tell him about the He-Man part.

“Dolph Lundgren played He-Man in Masters of the Universe, so you know…” – me

“Oh, that’s right, he did!” – coworker

“Right, so think about it: It wouldn’t be fair fro Rocky to get into a sword fight with Connan, but Connan SHOULD be able to get into a fist fight, right? I mean, he DID punch a camel out once!” – me, every excited

“Dear…god…whatever is going on in that brain of yours…if it’s in the food, the water, or hidden messages they’re pumping into us through our computer screens, I don’t want it!” – coworker

“Yes you do. You will assimilate or be devoured.” – me, giving a creep evil smile

“…going back to work!” – coworker, turning his back to me

Unfiltered Story #104386

, | Unfiltered | January 28, 2018

(I work as a cashier for a store that employs about 20-25 people depending on the season. Our store has recently hired a few new people, one of whom is working a part of my shift. Our store also allows cashiers to keep food and drink at their registers as long as it remains out of sight. I usually bring a water bottle with me, but today I’ve filled it with cranberry juice instead of water, making it look dark red instead of clear. I go behind the main counter, set my bottle down and talk with the new hire, my manager and one of my regular coworkers. Note: I’m known around my store for having a quirky, slightly dark sense of humor.)

Coworker: *points to bottle* “What’s in here?”

Me: *deadpan and without thinking* “The blood of my enemies.”

(My manager, coworker and the new hire start laughing.)

New Hire: “I LIKE you.”

(Thankfully, most of the staff has worked with me long enough to appreciate my odd sense of humor. The new girl will fit in just fine.)

Doesn’t Have Designs On Career Progression

, , , , , , | Working | January 15, 2018

(The head of my department is blind in one eye and deaf in one ear, both on the same side, as a result of a serious car accident some years ago. Because of this, it’s easy to startle him if you approach him too quietly on that side, especially when he’s focused on his work. Most people learn this quickly, and we always say his name clearly when we approach him. We have just hired a new designer.)

Head Designer: “Just so you know, I can’t see or hear on this side of my body very well, so please make sure that I know you’re coming up to me. I really don’t like to be surprised.”

New Designer: “Okay.”

(Later, I happen to be in the break room with [Head Designer] while he is heating up his lunch. I am browsing the web on my phone, and out of the corner of my eye I see the new designer come in. I don’t think anything of it until I hear:)

New Designer: *on the head designer’s bad side* “BOO!”

(The head designer drops his water bottle in surprise, spilling water all over the floor.)

Me: *to the new designer* “Dude! Not cool!”

New Designer: “Sorry, I just wanted to see if it was true.”

(He then walks out, leaving the head designer and me to clean up the spill.)

Me: “Sorry, I had no idea he was going to do that. Otherwise, I would have said something.”

Head Designer: “Don’t worry about it. It won’t happen again.”

(And it didn’t. I never saw [New Designer] again after that.)

That Rules Out All Fast Food Ever, Then

, , | Right | January 7, 2018

(I’m a worker at a fast food drive-thru.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, that will be [total].”

Lady: “Wait a minute. It’s the middle of the afternoon. Shouldn’t you be in school? It’s Tuesday.”

Me: “Well actually, ma’am, it’s Wednesday and no. School’s out for the summer, as far as I know.”

Lady: “Well, I don’t accept food from teenagers.”

Me: *sighs* “I graduated from college two years ago.”

Watching Too Much Pirates Of The Caribbean

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 4, 2018

I am polishing glasses behind the counter at the wine cellar where I work. Sitting in front of the counter, a couple ladies and their men discuss ghosts, which both men seem skeptical about.

At some point, pirates are brought up and both men discuss pirates with great interest.

Suddenly one lady says to her man, “Wait, you’re telling me that you don’t believe in ghosts, but you believe in pirates?”

She laughs, clearly thinking this is ironic somehow. The two men glance at each other and chuckle along with her, and her fellow lady just quietly sips some wine.

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