The One Tax You Were Happy To Pay

, , , , , | Working | March 5, 2018

(My cousin and his family are at a restaurant they’ve visited before. My cousin’s wife is a nurse. Their young daughter is deathly allergic to nuts and some legumes, including peanuts, so the cousin’s wife carefully vets any place they eat for allergy compliance. This restaurant has always passed with flying colors, so she’s not terribly worried.)

Server: *turning to the daughter* “And what would you like, sweetie?”

Daughter: *orders her food* “And can I have a chocolate shake, please? I’m allergic to nuts and peanuts, so can you make sure it’s safe?”

Server: “Of course!” *writes “NO NUTS” and underlines it*

Daughter: “Thank you!”

(A while later, the food comes.)

Daughter: “Mom, can you please hand me a spoon?”

Wife: “Sure!” *grabs a spoon, then swipes a bit of the chocolate shake* “Food tax!”

(She takes the bite, and instantly, her eyes go wide. Before she can even swallow, she snatches the shake away from her daughter and starts waving frantically for their server.)

Server: “What’s the matter?”

Wife: “This has peanut butter in it!”

Server: “What?! Are you sure?”

Wife: “It’s loaded! Smell it yourself!”

(The server took a whiff, then grabbed the shake and ran to get her manager. The manager apologized frantically, and then went to find the source of the mix-up. It turns out, the guy making the shake had misread, “NO NUTS,” as, “ADD NUTS,” and threw some peanut butter in. He was reprimanded, the shake was remade following allergy protocols, and the little girl got her shake, but not until after her mother had tested that one, too. She never steals bites of her children’s desserts, but, for some reason, she did that day. And we’re all very grateful.)

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Lack Of Instruction Will Lead To Destruction

, , , , | Working | February 21, 2018

(One of the managers at my new job is a lovely woman, very encouraging and helpful, but cannot give directions to save her life. I have just finished her request: printing out product orders, POs, stapled together in fives or so, along with a batch of original documents. I have probably gone through a small rainforest printing all these things out. It’s for a big festival, so there’s a LOT of products being ordered.)

Me: “Okay, here you go! One stack of originals, one stack of POs, and here’s the ones the computer didn’t like.”

Manager: “I’ll teach you how to deal with those…” *looks at stacks* Oh, dear.”

Me: “Is something wrong?”

Manager: “I forgot to tell you I wanted the POs stapled to the originals, not together.”

Me: *looks at stack of papers in horror*

(She did apologize, but I’m still trying to figure out a nice way to word the question, “And are those ALL the instructions?”)

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Walking Tall After The Fall

, , , , , , , | Friendly | February 14, 2018

(I’m driving to my evening class in my beat-up little car, and I pull off the freeway and take the off-ramp towards the college. I stop at the red light at the top of the hill, but the car behind me doesn’t and ends up rear-ending me. It doesn’t feel like a hard hit, so, as soon as I can, I slowly pull through the intersection and head immediately into the parking lot of the strip mall next to me. The other car, which looks equally as old as mine, follows me and parks in a nearby spot. I can see the two guys in the front seat and they are freaking out a bit. I get out of the car, and as soon as they see me, they panic more. I’m a big guy — well over six feet tall, and 300+ pounds of muscle — with a full beard.)

Me: “Hey, you guys all right?”

(They get out of the car, but they never take their eyes off me. I’m almost a foot taller than them, and I can see them shaking.)

Driver: “D-d-dude! Oh, man, dude! I am so sorry! It was just a little bump, dude!”

Passenger: “Yeah, man, we’re so sorry!”

(I walk to the back of my car and take a look. There’s barely a little dent in my back bumper, so I check the front of their car, too, and it doesn’t even look like there’s any damage at all. The whole time, the two guys are shaking, fidgeting, and apologizing profusely. I’m starting to feel really bad for them, as they look young, and I’m sure they are scared of me.)

Me: “Well, it doesn’t look like there’s any real damage. So, we don’t need to bother calling anyone. Are you two okay?”

(They immediately relax and smile, and the driver kind of does a funny little jump-dance thing.)

Driver: “Yeah, man! No, we’re all right! Yeah!”

Passenger: “Dude, we’re cool! We’re all cool! You want a beer?”

(In horror, I watch as the passenger pulls a nearly-empty six-pack out of the front seat and tries to hand me the last bottle. I have no more pity for these idiots. I bring myself up to my full height, clench my fists, and put on my scariest face.)

Me: *in a deeper voice as I glare at the driver* “Were you drinking?!”

(They immediately freeze in place, their faces go pale, and they look at me in wide-eyed terror. The driver looks like he might pass out as he stutters:)

Driver: “Um… Uh… We… Uh…”

Passenger: “Uh… Well… Just a little.”

Me: “Do you have any idea how incredibly stupid that is?! You could kill someone! I ought to call the police right now! Your a***es deserve to be in jail!”

Driver: *full-on panicking*Wait! No! Please, no! No! My parents would kill me! Please! We’ll do anything!”

Me: “Anything?!”

Driver: “Anything, man! Anything! Just don’t call the cops!”

(I step forward, and they both flinch like I’m going to hit them, but instead, I grab the remaining beer out of the passenger’s hand, pull out my keys, and pop the top. I turn the bottle upside down and pour it out on the ground at their feet. I step back and get in the driver’s face.)

Me: *in my most intimidating voice* “Lock your car and walk! Sober up, and never drive drunk again! DO. YOU. GET. ME?!”

Driver: *shaking and absolutely terrified* “Y-Yes!”

(I turn and get in the face of the passenger.)

Me: “DO. YOU. GET. ME?!”

Passenger: *cowering and equally terrified* “Y-Yes, sir!”

Me: “NOW, WALK!”

(They stood still for a moment before I bellowed, “WALK!” again, and the passenger took off down the strip mall while the driver fumbled with his keys to lock his door, and then ran to catch up with his friend. I stood watching them jog all the way to the end of the parking lot and across the street before I got back in my car and headed to class. My class was four hours long, so I didn’t get out until almost 11 pm, but when I did, I headed back to the freeway and saw that the guy’s car was still there.)

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Unfiltered Story #105413

, | Unfiltered | February 12, 2018

(Over a year ago I landed a dream job. Might not be my dream position, but the company is a dream to work for. As such, I’m usually very happy all the time and talkative with my awesome coworkers. They know me to be a bit of a nut and I jokingly say they only put up with me because of the treats my wife brings them since she’s a professional baker.)

“Huh…You know what I just realized?” – me

“Uh oh…what?” – coworker

“We’ve been denied the greatest fight never put to film!” – me

“What one is that? Do I want to know?” – coworker

“You KNOW you do. We’ve never seen Rocky in a boxing match with Conan!” – me

“The barbarian?!?!” – coworker

“YEAH!!! I mean, he’s fought Mr T…he even beat up He-Man!” – me

My coworker looks at me slightly confused when I tell him about the He-Man part.

“Dolph Lundgren played He-Man in Masters of the Universe, so you know…” – me

“Oh, that’s right, he did!” – coworker

“Right, so think about it: It wouldn’t be fair fro Rocky to get into a sword fight with Connan, but Connan SHOULD be able to get into a fist fight, right? I mean, he DID punch a camel out once!” – me, every excited

“Dear…god…whatever is going on in that brain of yours…if it’s in the food, the water, or hidden messages they’re pumping into us through our computer screens, I don’t want it!” – coworker

“Yes you do. You will assimilate or be devoured.” – me, giving a creep evil smile

“…going back to work!” – coworker, turning his back to me

Unfiltered Story #104386

, | Unfiltered | January 28, 2018

(I work as a cashier for a store that employs about 20-25 people depending on the season. Our store has recently hired a few new people, one of whom is working a part of my shift. Our store also allows cashiers to keep food and drink at their registers as long as it remains out of sight. I usually bring a water bottle with me, but today I’ve filled it with cranberry juice instead of water, making it look dark red instead of clear. I go behind the main counter, set my bottle down and talk with the new hire, my manager and one of my regular coworkers. Note: I’m known around my store for having a quirky, slightly dark sense of humor.)

Coworker: *points to bottle* “What’s in here?”

Me: *deadpan and without thinking* “The blood of my enemies.”

(My manager, coworker and the new hire start laughing.)

New Hire: “I LIKE you.”

(Thankfully, most of the staff has worked with me long enough to appreciate my odd sense of humor. The new girl will fit in just fine.)

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