Please Remember To Rewind Your Bundles Of Joy

, , , , , , | Related | January 3, 2019

(After years of trying to adopt, my parents are about to give up on the idea of “kids,” when I am suddenly “put on the market,” as it were. The whole process is a rather rushed affair, so not everyone my parents’ know hears about my homecoming beforehand. One of our next-door neighbors is a very nice woman who’s always been very friendly towards our family. On a side note, this takes place shortly after home video devices have become more commonplace.)

Neighbor: “So, what are you guys getting each other for Christmas?”

Mom: *trying not to laugh* “Something pretty special… and expensive.”

Neighbor: “A new vacuum cleaner?”

Mom: “Smaller, and more expensive.”

Neighbor: “I know! You’re finally getting a VCR!”

Mom: *trying even harder not to grin* “Looks like you’ll just have to come over tomorrow and see.”
(You can imagine our neighbor’s surprise when she saw a five-month-old baby girl, instead! Apparently, my parents had always been a bit slow to update their tech, because several other people also thought I was a VCR!)

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Making A Lot Of Fake Noise

, , , , , , | Legal | December 28, 2018

One of my neighbors bought a large truck a couple of months ago and apparently decided that three in the morning was a reasonable time to work on it, revving it up and leaving it idling, often waking up several of the neighbors in the process. He never drove it anywhere at that point; he just went out, turned it on, and made a bunch of noise. This led to a few of us going over to ask him to refrain. He blew us off, and we ended up submitting noise complaints to the city about him, as he was disturbing our sleep.

This led to him spamming the noise complaint website with dozens of complaints about every house on the block in retaliation, all of them bogus. He made complaints about dogs barking at houses that didn’t have dogs, or people playing instruments late at night. The police ended up coming out several times to investigate, and the complaints were proven to be false each time.

The last time I saw my neighbor he was being put into a police car after having a screaming match with the police on his front lawn.

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The Nightmare Before Christmas

, , , , , , | Related | December 27, 2018

(In this story, I am about eight years old. It’s Halloween, and my three friends and I are trick-or-treating around my neighborhood. I am dressed like a cat, and so are two of my friends, while the other one is dressed as Mrs. Claus. I ring the doorbell to a house. A guy and his wife open the door.)

Friends & Me: “Trick or treat!”

(The guy looks from me to my two other friends dressed like cats, and then to my other friend dressed as Mrs. Claus.)

Guy: “WHAT IS THIS? IT’S NOT EVEN NOVEMBER YET! FIRST THE GROCERY STORES, AND NOW THIS? PREMATURE CHRISTMAS DECORATING HAS STRUCK AGAIN!”

(He clutched his chest and fell to the floor. My friends and I just looked at each other in confusion. His wife apologized profusely and gave us each a big handful of candy. It was pretty weird, but you have to admit, we had it coming!)

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Don’t Take This Neighborly Advice

, , , , | Friendly | December 20, 2018

(My bedroom window is over our back gardens and my neighbor has a very loud voice, so I unintentionally overhear several of his conversations.)

Neighbour: *on phone* “Yeah, he speaks one of those Chinese-y type languages, like Spanish…”

Neighbour: “Why do you need coal or gas to light the barbecue? Can you not just use fire?”

Neighbour: “Can you eat the fruit on that tree next door?”

(My garden has the only tree near his house and it’s a pine tree. Another time he has a builder over to paint his conservatory.)

Builder: “Just have to take some outside measurements now, and we can order the optimum paint for this.”

Neighbour: “Why do you want a transformer for it?”

(Would have loved to see the builder’s reaction!)

Neighbour: “Does he worship Muslim, too?”

(Particularly strange, as he is of Middle-Eastern descent.)

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Make Some Noise About Them Making Some Noise

, , , , | Friendly | December 2, 2018

(One of my neighbours comes home at four am with at least five people. They stand on the balcony, making a lot of noise, waking up my eighteen-month-old and three-year-old.)

Me: *from my balcony* “Excuse me. Do you know what the time is?

Neighbor: “Umm… About four o’clock.”

Me: “Oh, you do know what time it is. So, you’re just an insensitive jerk, waking everyone up, then. Good to know.”

(They all go quiet and can hear my kids crying with my husband trying to get them back to sleep.)

Neighbor: “Sorry about that.”

(They all went inside, then left. The next day, my neighbour knocked on my door with a six-pack of beer for my husband, a box of chocolates for me, a teddy bear each for my kids, and an apology for all of us.)

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