I once found a big bulldog in my backyard. I don’t own a bulldog. He was a big, friendly, but slow-witted guy. He looked healthy and had a collar but no tags, so I knew he was a local. I made sure he had water and went to the front yard to start knocking on doors. As soon as I stepped outside, I saw the family three houses down, all gathered in their front yard. I walked over to them and said:

Me: “You guys missing a bulldog?”

The mother looked at me and said:

Mother: “Is his name Titus?’

The question took me aback. I mean, he didn’t have tags. They knew he didn’t have tags. So all I could think to say was:

Me: “He didn’t say, but I’m pretty sure he’s yours.”

The family was happily reunited. I later asked why he didn’t have any name tags.

Mother: “Oh, then people would see it and know his name is Titus, and they’d call him by name and kidnap him.”

Fellow reader, I am just as confused as you are…

For whatever reason, my trash service has not been coming by to collect. I have called and called and been reassured each time that they would get it next week. After a month, I gave up and took matters into my own hands. I had an old barrel in my backyard that hadn’t been used for a long time. I dumped some burnable garbage in the barrel and set it on fire. 

About ten minutes later, two local police officers came to the yard.

Officer #1: “Ma’am?”

Me: “Oh! Hello.”

Officer #1: “Ma’am, are you burning something?”

Me: *Standing a few feet from the barrel.* “Yes.”

Officer #2: “We received a report of a house fire in the area.”

Me: “Um… I don’t think so.”

Officer #2: “And how do you plan to control this burn?”

Me: “There is no foliage above the barrel, it’s in the middle of an 8x8ft cement slab, I have three buckets of water and a hose here, and I’m burning little by little, so the flames do not go above the lip of the barrel.”

Pause.

Officer #1: “Why aren’t you putting your garbage out in your bins?”

Me: “I pay for collection, but they haven’t collected in a month. I keep getting told they’ll be here every week, but they’re not. I can’t let garbage pile up, that’s unsanitary.”

Officer #2: “You could take it to the dump.”

Me: “Which is extra money I shouldn’t have to spend since I’m already paying for a service I’m not receiving.”

Officer #2: “Who is your collection company?”

Me: “[Company Name].”

They exchange a look.

Officer #2: “Thank you. Please just… continue to be careful.”

I continued my burn until it was done, then completely soaked what was left. The next week, my trash was finally collected! I may never know what changed but I have a feeling the officers who visited me also visited the collection company.

My son arrives home from his overnight job just as I am ready to leave for work.

Son: “There’s a public works guy outside. The water is leaking down the street. He said he’s pretty sure it’s a water main break. He called the water company.”

We discuss a few things, and I try to leave. I walk out the front door and right back inside.

Me: “I need to get different shoes.”

Son: “Is it over the sidewalk?” 

Me: “All the way across and it’s really flowing fast.”

I change shoes, head to the office, and the rest of the conversation is via text.

Son: “The borough guy says the police are coming.”

Me: “Why?” 

Son: “The water company doesn’t believe him and needs an official report.”

Some time later:

Son: “The water company is here. They have a dozen guys and lots of equipment, but the water is still running. The police shut down the whole street, and there are caution signs at the bottom because it’s running down the hill and messing up traffic on Main Street.”

Me: “They haven’t turned it off?” 

Son: “No. I don’t know why.”

A bit later:

Son: “The water company supervisor just showed up. The public works crew had cones and road closed signs up. They were waiting for the water company supervisor so he could ask the borough to remove their stuff, and they could put up water company cones and signs.”

Me: “Why?”

Son: “Supposedly, they have to be official water company ones.”

Me: “Why couldn’t the guys who were there ask?”

Son: “I don’t know. But the public works guy says he’s calling his supervisor to tell him he needs a mental health day.”

I really can’t blame him.

I work maintenance for a fancy gated community. A lot of rich people in big houses pay a lot of money to live here, so I get some interesting characters, to put it lightly. 

I’m out supervising some contractors as they lay down a brand-new surface on the basketball courts in the rec area in the middle of the community. We’re replacing some old, worn-down concrete with a softer rubber floor. A group of neighborhood kids wanders up with a ball under their arm.

Me: “Sorry, guys. Can’t play today; we’re resurfacing the courts.”

Kid: *Shrugs.* “Okay, cool. We’ll come back when it’s done.”

They head off without complaint. Easy enough.

About half an hour later, I hear stomping. An angry woman is marching across the grass toward me, her son trailing behind.

Mom: “Why was my boy told he couldn’t play basketball today?”

Me: *Gesturing at the workers.* “Because the courts are closed for upgrades, ma’am. We’re putting in a new ground.”

Mom: “Ugh, this place is terrible! I pay my HOA so my kids can go out to play, and the quality of the parks is awful! I’ve been complaining for months about the dangerous concrete and the potholes in that court!”

Me: blinking slowly “Ma’am… we’re here because of that complaint.”

She freezes for half a second, then rallies.

Mom: “Well… you… you shouldn’t do it over the summer break! Now I gotta find something for my kid to do!”

She storms off, kid in tow, horrified that she has to be a parent for a day over the summer…

I saw a pitbull roaming my yard yesterday morning. Like the fearless(/stupid) woman I am, I went outside and tried to baby-talk it into coming to me. The dog watched me a moment, bowed down like he was playing, barked, then ran off. I got in my car and drove around for a little while to try to find him; I succeeded in finding him five times in twenty minutes, but he repeated his bow-and-dash game every time until I lost him again. I did get a picture, so I went to my community Facebook page and made a post.

Me: “Hi, neighbors. This intact male dog was in my yard this morning on [Street] around 7 AM. Unfortunately, all attempts to secure him failed, but I do have a photo. If anyone knows him or knows where he belongs, please tell his family.”

I got the usual responses: “Poor thing is scared,” “Hopefully someone realizes he is missing!” “Looks like a bully breed to me,” and so on. Then, [Woman] commented:

Woman: “He needs to be secured! Don’t let your dog wander! So irresponsible!”

I thought this was a generic comment on the owners, so I didn’t say anything. A few minutes later, [Woman] messaged me privately.

Woman: “Go get your god-d*** dog before someone hits it!”

Me: “I don’t have a dog. I reported seeing a dog, though. Is that what you mean?”

Woman: “He needs to be contained. Why would you just let him run around town? What if he bites a child?”

Me: “I imagine his owners would have quite an issue on their hands. But again, I don’t have a dog. I saw him wandering and could not secure him.”

Woman: “People like you do not deserve pets!”

Me: “Okay, nice talking to you. Bye now.”

Woman: “You should be ashamed to allow such a vicious animal in your home!”

Woman: “I hope he gets hit so you’ll learn your lesson!”

Woman: “Go to Hell!”

She continued spewing her nonsense for a while, then suddenly stopped. The dog reappeared in my yard again that evening. This time I had some ground beef and rice cooked just for him. I coaxed him close enough to get a slip lead on his neck and brought him in my garage. He did have an ID tag, so I was able to get in contact with his owners. They told me that he had run out the door when their teenage son left for school that morning and only found out when they returned home to an empty house.

For my own entertainment, I went back on Facebook and tried to view (Woman)’s profile. It came up as not found, so I asked my friend to look her up. She existed! I can only guess that she blocked me.