Punked Over And Over And Over

, , , , , | Right | September 26, 2016

(I am a warehouse worker this last summer for a large fireworks company and we help out tent staff sometimes during tent season. I am on registers, where we always offer free small punks, on the Fourth, and have at least a dozen customers thinking they’re so funny with this same exchange.)

Me: *finishing a transaction* “All right, thank you for buying from [Fireworks Company]! Would you like some free punks for lighting?”

Customer: *grabbing a friend/sibling/child* “Well, I think this one here will do.”

Me: *to myself* “Yeah, like I haven’t heard that one before.”

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Clucked Out Early

, , , , | Right | June 29, 2016

(It’s just before Thanksgiving and I’m walking past the meat department when I overhear this exchange…)

Customer: “So, do these turkeys get any bigger?”

Meat Clerk: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Meat Clerk: “Because they’re dead, ma’am.”

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Totally ‘Tanga’

, , , | Right | October 8, 2014

Customer: “What do you mean you don’t have the parts on hand to fix my TV?”

Me: “Well, your TV is 12 years old. I can have the parts in a day or two.”

(The customer starts every cuss word in the book, yelling at me about my incompetence and lack of skill.)

Me: *stands there and waits until she pauses for a breath, when she does…* “Ma’am, would you like to learn some Tagalog?”

Customer: “Huh?…What’s Tagalog?”

Me: “It’s the language of the Philippines.”

Customer: “Why would I need to learn that?”

Me: *in the same, low toned and calm voice I have been using during her entire screaming session* “So you don’t have to use the same seven cuss words over and over.”

(Right after saying that, I calmly picked up my tools and headed for the door. The customer, red faced and stuttering, tried to yell at me some more, but was at a complete loss for words.)

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It’s His Cue To Go

, , | Right | September 25, 2012

(It’s late Easter Sunday evening. The pool hall is empty except for one group of four. One member of the group is intoxicated and has been allowed to stay but not to drink.)

Customer: “Eight ball in the corner…”

(He shoots and misses by a wide margin.)

Customer: “GODD*** IT! SON OF A B****!”

(Suddenly, he smashes the house pool cue repeatedly on the table until it is nothing but splinters.)

Me: “HEY! You need to leave here, right now!”

Customer: “Why?! What the h*** is your problem?!”

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Acting Flippantly, Part 2

, , , , | Right | April 27, 2011

(I am answering a call that a coworker had already taken 10 minutes prior.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, I just called a little bit ago. Some girl told me to take out my SIM card and battery, and that would make my phone work again. My battery is fully charged but the phone won’t turn back on.”

Me: “You may need to just hold the power button a little longer. What kind of phone do you have?”

Caller: “It flips.”

Me: “Well, just press the red key button for a few seconds and it should turn right on for you.”

Caller: “There are only three buttons, and none are red. Do you know what you are talking about?”

Me: “Sir, please flip open the phone. You will find the red button I’m talking about.”

Caller: “So, I actually have to open it?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “Well, d*** I feel stupid. I’d like to talk to your boss for making me feel so d*** stupid!”

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