(I work at a store in the children’s department. I have an older customer come up to my register.)

Customer: “Hi, do you sell thongs for children?”

Me: *blinks* “Do you mean, like…”

Customer: “Children’s thongs.”

Me: “Do you mean… shoes?”

Customer: “Oh! Yes. Flip-flops.”

Me: “Yes, they’re right over there.”

(I knew that “thong” was another word for “flip-flop,” and assumed that’s what she wanted, but it was so unexpected that it caught me off-guard. We both had a good laugh about it once she realized what it sounded like.)

(This is, more-or-less verbatim, a weird conversation I hear on the crowded bus:)

Giant Guy: “Oh, you can sit next to me. I don’t bite. I’ve got nine kids.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, okay.”

Giant Guy: “Where are you from?”

Young Female Student: “Vietnam.”

Giant Guy: “Oh, yeah? I met a guy the other day that served in Vietnam during the war. He said all he had to do was, ‘ratatatat.’” *makes shooting motion*

Young Female Student: “Oh.”

Giant Guy: “I always felt bad about what we did there, though.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “So, how old are you? My eldest is 39, you know. Man, how time flies.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “What are you studying? I can tell you, all you need education-wise is the Bible.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “I guess you have to have a degree these days, but Christ is king, you know. You can have all the book smarts in the world, and if you don’t have street smarts, you can’t make it. I know because I’m hustling everyday.”

Young Female Student: “Mhmm.” *nods head*

Giant Guy: “Yeah, man, I got saved when I was 32 because I put a gun to my head and I heard a voice that said, ‘Don’t do it, man,’ and I knew that was Jesus.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, wow.”

Giant Guy: “Yeah. It was nice talking to you and all. I knew it would be, because I can read people, you know? Do you know what that means?”

Young Female Student: “Yes, uh-huh.”

(Thankfully her stop and my stop was next. She made sure he wasn’t following. This is why you keep your headphones on and stare at your phone.)

(I am out running errands in the afternoon with a friend and have passed my turn. We have to turn around, and there is a sign posted at the intersection forbidding U-turns between the hours of ten pm and six am. Directly across the intersection from us is a police cruiser. Knowing we’re fine, I make the U-turn, and not ten seconds later, there are flashing lights behind us. I pull into a parking lot and the officer approaches.)

Officer: “Hello. Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Honestly… no. Not a clue.”

Officer: *gestures back toward the intersection* “You made an illegal U-turn back there. There’s a sign.”

Me: *confused* “I don’t think I did. Are you sure?”

Officer: “Yes… I’m sure.”

(He does not sound 100% sure anymore.)

Me: “But it’s 4:30 in the afternoon. I’m pretty sure the sign said no U-turns from ten pm until six in the morning.”

Friend: “We checked the sign!”

(The officer is now looking just as confused as I am. He looks at his little clipboard and is clearly doing mental math.)

Officer: “Well, I’m just going to let you off with a warning. You have a nice day.”

(He walked back to his cruiser and drove away, still looking a little dazed.)

(I work at a fast food restaurant. We recently began posting employees outside in the drive-thru to improve our service scores and times during the lunch rush. I am at one of the menu boards and wearing a headset, but as I am the only male employee outside, the manual labor of take-down falls to me.)

Manager: *over headset* “Okay, tell [Other Employees] it’s time to start heading in and get packed up.”

(I do so and start to walk back to the cash stand, which is a big metal podium-style cart with an umbrella that has to be carted to the back of the store. As I’m about to reach the cart, a car speeds into the drive-thru and past the menu boards, and the man at the wheel starts to shout at me.)

Customer: “I need a [combo meal] with well-done fries and a drink, and I don’t need any attitude!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re already shutting down the outdoor ordering for today, but if you—”

Customer: “You’re shutting down the drive-thru?! I thought [Restaurant] was all about customer service!”

Me: “The drive-thru is still open, but we’re shutting down the outdoor—”

Customer: “You can’t just shut down the drive-thru in the middle of the afternoon!”

Me: “Sir, the drive-thru is still open; we just aren’t taking orders outside. If you could back up to the menu boards and let them know what you’d like to order, I’m sure they’d be happy to help.”

(At this point, he seems to have calmed down, and he backs up. I think I’ve seen the last of him, but as I’m folding the umbrella, he pulls up beside me and rolls down his window.)

Customer: “Ahem.”

(I continue folding the umbrella.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “May I help you?”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to take my money?”

Me: “Sir, as you can see, I am taking down the cart right now. We won’t be taking drive-thru orders or payment outside again until tomorrow morning at eleven-thirty. If you could pull up to the window, they’ll be happy to finish your order there.”

(I went back to tying the umbrella down, and he realized he wouldn’t get any rise out of me. He drove off muttering about how he was going to talk to my manager about my disrespectful attitude. Unfortunately for him, my manager that day had a history of not taking crap from guests, and on top of that, she’d already put in her two-weeks’ notice. When I returned inside, rather than the reprimand the customer wanted, I received a high-five and an ice cream cone for not telling him off like she did. I’ve always wondered what she said to him.)

(I work in the children’s department, but since we are right next to a door, we often get people doing returns from other departments. It’s usually not an issue, especially if we’re slow. A woman and her husband come in with two bags.)

Customer: “Hi, can we do returns here? One is from men’s and the other is from the home department.”

Me: “Absolutely. Do you have your receipt?”

(She hands me the bag with men’s clothes and I start the return process.)

Customer: “As you can see, I paid off the charge with a check.”

(She has stapled the receipt from her account payment to the top of the receipt, which I know a lot of people do to avoid carrying a balance on their store card while still earning their rewards. However, she did pay for the items with her store card, and our return policy is to refund on the original form of payment, or give in-store credit.)

Me: “Okay, that return will be [amount]. Do you have your store card with you?”

Customer: “No, I should get cash back. I paid with a check, see?”

Me: “Well, no, you paid with your store card, and then paid the bill with a check. They’re two different transactions.”

Customer: “But I paid with a check, so I should get cash back. I’m thinking of closing my card, anyway.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but I can only refund the money to the original form of payment or to in-store credit. I can get you the in-store credit, if you would prefer, but the system won’t let me return it any other way.”

Customer: “I don’t believe that. I paid it off with a check, so I should be getting cash back.”

(After a few more minutes of this, she and her husband decide to go back to the other departments to do the returns there and presumably complain about our return policy. I help a few other customers and clean up, and fifteen minutes later the customer returns with the men’s clothing.)

Customer: “I guess I understand now. Just go ahead and do the return.”

Me: “Not a problem.”

(I’m still not sure how she thought the two separate transactions would have been linked that way.)