My husband and I have gone to see Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park. While we’re waiting for it to go off, we’re sitting in a crowd of people. A guide from the nearby visitor center is answering some questions while we’re waiting.

One of the visitors asks with a tone of condescension:

Visitor: “All these people are waiting? Why don’t you put on more shows on busy days?!

The poor guide tried to explain what Old Faithful was and how they have no control over the geyser, but the visitor didn’t look convinced.

After Old Faithful went off, the same visitor complained loudly:

Visitor: “Not as good as the Bellagio fountains!”

When I worked at a National Park, a tourist came up to me and asked:

Visitor: “So… when do you put the elk out for viewing?”

Me: “That’s not how wild animals work.”

Visitor: “We drove all the way out here to see the elk! Get them out!”

Me: “This is a National Park and all the animals here are wild and go about their day as wild animals do. What you’re thinking of is a zoo.”

Visitor: “I went to a zoo, but all the animals looked so sad! We came out here because we were told the animals were happier in their natural habitat.”

Me: *Holding my hands out to the great vista beyond us.* “Well… you’re in the natural habitat. Enjoy!”

Visitor: “I’m leaving a one-star review!”

Me: “I’m sure the elk will be devastated, ma’am.”

I’m a national park ranger. A visitor comes over to me, after passing about four signs, paying at the booth and being handed a brochure with Mount Rainier National Park’ writ large across the front, and asks:

Visitor: “What mountain is that?”

I was hiking in Yellowstone, and I watched a guy and his girlfriend shortcut two switchbacks. When they did it a third time, it put them right in front of me.

Me: “Hey, guys, please don’t shortcut the switchbacks. It’s really bad for the trail.”

Guy: *Puffing up his chest* “Are you a ranger?”

I was a little surprised and caught off guard.

Me: “No. But there are signs all over telling you not to do that.”

He just shrugged and continued walking in the direction they’d been going. As he went by, the guy sort of turned back over his shoulder and yelled to me:

Guy: “They sell ranger hats in the gift shop, bud.”

He was a d**k, and I hope he got eaten by a mountain lion, but d***, he really did win that exchange.

We give tourists some rides around specific areas of the national park that are very scenic and not too far from the visitor center. It’s salmon season, so the river is quite busy.

Tourist: “Is there a special park ranger that picks up all the dead salmon?”

Me: *Joking around.* “Yes, that’s Officer Bear and his buddy, Deputy Eagle.”

Tourist: *Angry and serious.* “Well, where are they? They’re not doing a very good job.”

Me: “They… uh… work the night shift.”

Tourist: “That’s stupid.”

Me: “…I totally agree.”

Related:
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 11
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 10
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 9
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 8
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 7