I am outside the visitors’ center at a national park with a glorious view of the mountains. I am pointing some features out in the distance to a group of visitors.

Me: “So, if you look just up there, above the tree line—”

Guest: “Why did they stop planting trees at the tree line?”

Me: “Oh, uh… Well, the tree line is simply an altitude at which there is a lack of nutrients in the soil or it’s too cold for trees to grow. It’s why the tallest mountains are either totally bare or only covered in grasses and small shrubs.”

Guest: “Oh! That’s amazing! I need to write that down so I can tell this to my family!”

I was very careful not to get infected when the global health crisis first happened, but after I was fully vaccinated, I became less cautious. I didn’t throw caution to the wind, but I certainly stopped taking as many precautions.

Perhaps inevitably, I caught [contagious illness]. It sucked. My lungs crackled like cellophane whenever I took a breath, my throat was sore, and I could barely stand.

My wife, however, didn’t believe I had [illness] and thought I just needed fresh air to recover. So, she would load me into the car every day and drive me to two or three nearby state parks, while I slept in the car. Whenever we reached a destination, she would open the passenger side door, lever me out of the car, and then half-carry me along one of the trails.

I was very out of it, but if you can, imagine a tiny 5’2″ lady carrying a 6’2″ man half-slung over her shoulder.

Anyway, the [illness] test finally came in the mail. I tested positive. My wife also tested and we found that she, too, was positive but asymptomatic.

After that, she stopped dragging me across the state until after I recovered.

I work at a campground at a resort between Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks. Since we’re in bear country, there are storage lockers for foodstuffs and warnings all over the place (including signs fixed to every picnic table) warning not to leave food out.

Rangers patrol the area and routinely leave warnings for people that leave coolers on their tables while they are out for the day. They get a warning for the first offense, and items are confiscated for repeat offenders.

A group comes to the campground office complaining.

Park Guest: “Our food has been stolen!”

Me: “Which locker did you leave it in?”

Park Guest: “Locker? What locker? We left it on the table.”

Me: “Park rangers will confiscate food if it’s left on the picnic tables.”

Park Guest: “Well then, get it back for us!”

Me: “Well, it’s quite late, so the ranger station is actually closed. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow to retrieve your food.”

Park Guest: “That’s unacceptable! That’s our food!”

Me: “Either the ranger confiscates it and you get it back, or a bear eats it and you get nothing. Which would you prefer?”

Silence.

Park Guest: *Storming off* “Stupid bears, ruining the park for everybody.”

I am staff at a Great Lake in a national park. We are on a jetty overlooking the lake, and I am taking a break outside the dock office, having a cigarette.

A park guest comes over to bum a cigarette, and since it’s early evening, we notice the clear skies and the stars beginning to come out.

Guest: “It’s crazy to think how many of these stars are dead.”

Then, he points at an airplane in the sky.

Guest: “Like that one right there is dying right now.”

My dad and I are taking a road trip through Colorado and decide we’re going to drive all the way to the top of Pikes Peak. We are driving a red rental car.

Mostly depending on guzzling down water to prevent either of us from getting altitude sickness, we are nonetheless a little out of sorts by the time we make it to the top. We stay long enough to use the restroom and take some pictures before we start to head back to the car.

We get to the car, and I throw a receipt for a souvenir I bought at the gift shop into the back seat before settling down in the passenger seat and buckling up. I realize the seat feels a little different than it did before, but I’m so out of it and ready to be back in air that’s not nearly as thin that I don’t even give it a second thought.

As my dad gets in the driver’s seat, I reach for my phone’s charging cord only to realize it’s not where I left it before. I reach behind me toward the back seat, thinking I threw it back there without realizing it… and that’s when I see a ton of stuff my dad and I didn’t bring with us in the back seat, including some children’s toys. The realization hits.

Me: “DAD! WE’RE IN THE WRONG CAR!”

Without even realizing it, we had gotten into a red car that was identical to our own rental car whose owners had not locked their doors before leaving. Our car was still a few spaces over.

We quickly scrambled out of the car and into ours, leaving in a hurry.

I still wonder if the car’s actual occupants found the receipt for my souvenir in the back of their car and wondered where it came from.