What Came First: The Egg Or The Baby?

, , , , | Right | March 7, 2018

(I’m 16 and working a six-hour shift as a bagger. It’s been a long day and I still have an hour until I go home, and I’m feeling stressed and grouchy. A little boy comes up with his mother, and while she talks to the cashier, the boy talks to me.)

Little Boy: “What’s your name?”

Me: “My name is [My Name]. What’s yours?”

Little Boy: “I’m [Little Boy]. How old are you?”

Me: “I’m 16. How about you?”

Little Boy: “I’m four. Do you know how to drive?”

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Little Boy: “Do you know how to cook?”

Me: “Yes.”

Little Boy: “Do you know how to make a cookie?”

Me: “I do, indeed.”

Little Boy: “Do you know how to make an egg?”

Me: “Yep!”

Little Boy: “Do you know how to make a baby?”

(I crack up.)

Mother: *coming over* “I’m sorry! He asks the craziest things!”

Me: “No worries. He made my day!”

(He did! It’s been two years and I still tell this story.)

Some Doors Shouldn’t Be Open At Christmas

, , , , | Right | December 25, 2017

(I work at a pet store as a cashier and have to make the closing announcements, but we let the customers shop for a couple of minutes after closing if they can tell us what they’re looking for. When I finish the announcement on Christmas Eve, a customer immediately approaches the register.)

Me: “Welcome! Find everything all right today?”

Customer: *already incredibly angry* “I would have, but I’m being forced out of here! How could you close an hour early?!”

Me: “I’m really sorry about that. I would love to help you find what you’re looking for. Just remember that it’s Christmas Eve and we’d like to get back home.”

Customer: “NO, THE A** ON THE PA SAID IT WAS TIME TO LEAVE, SO JUST RING ME UP!”

Me: “I’m really sorry about that, sir. I would be happy to ring you up. Do you have our store card?”

Customer: “H***, no! I’m never shopping here again!”

(I realize that it was probably best that I just ring the store card through rather than try to ask him any more questions, plus he can’t leave a bad employee review.)

Customer: “WHAT DID YOU JUST SCAN?!”

Me: “I put the store card in. I don’t want you to miss out on any deals.”

(I scan his items through, and the transaction was luckily uneventful; however, the doors are locked and I cannot let him out because I don’t have keys.)

Me: “Just give me one second. My manager locked the doors after we closed.”

(I page my manager and the customer walks to the doors. After 30 seconds the customer comes back inside. I am at this point terrified; there is something wrong with the customer.)

Me: “I’m really sorry, sir. My manager must be taking out the trash. I’ll page him again.”

Customer: “WHY CAN’T YOU OPEN THE DOOR?!”

Me: “I don’t have the key.”

(The customer says something unspeakably rude and starts waiting at the door again. My manager arrives and unlocks the door. my manager begins sliding the automatic door open manually when the customer grabs the door and pushes it so hard that I could hear it outside the atrium, and runs out the door. My manager tries to close the door, but nothing happens.)

Me: “What are we going to do?”

Manager: “Well, I guess you can go home. I’m stuck here until I can get somebody to fix the door.”